Real Life Fiction - From the "You Can't Make this Up" Series

I handle bills for some clients. Recently I got a bill in the mail from a pest control service for $6.48.

The bill was printed on bright yellow paper, the kind you can only legally use for past due notices or making a cut out of the sun for your science project in grade school. I noticed that $2 of the $6.32 was a late charge. This was surprising to me for two reasons: First, I had never seen a bill that was more than 30% late fees. And second, I fired the pest control service several months ago because the doctor said the spraying was unhealthy for my client, who is up there in years.

Immediately thereafter the company politely notified me they were raising their rate. In response, I politely notified them that I had already lowered their rate in that I was no longer going to pay them to come out.

They responded, in essence, “Oh, when we said we were going to raise your rate, we meant, ‘unless you complain about us raising the rate.’ Which you did, so, um, can we keep coming out and charging you the same old rate?”

To which I responded, “No.”

Well, as you would expect, this ended the matter. I mean, until the pest control guy showed up next month. He called me when he got there and I told him, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I canceled your service.”

“Really?” he said.

“Yeah, I canceled. Then they offered to do it at the old rate but I still said no.”

“Hmmm, okay,” he said. “I’ll have to check with the office.”

And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.

Until the guy showed up again a few days later and said, “Okay, I talked to the office and they agreed to do the service for the old rate.”

“Yeah, they already offered that,” I told him. “I said no.”

“Really?” he said.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.

Until I got a bill in the mail for $6.48.

By the time I opened the bright yellow bill, I was beginning to wonder whether there was some kind of service you could hire to track down and kill a pest control service (or any service) that won’t leave you alone. (Note to self: BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY HERE!) There was no way I was going to pay that bill; I figured that paying them would just encourage the guy to show up again. So I ignored the bill and that, as you would expect, was the end of it.

Until the guy showed up again.

Once again I told him that I had already informed his company on three separate occasions that my client would no longer be requiring their services. After the guy sheepishly left, I called the company and told them to please stop sending the guy out. The girl who answered the phone told me that “the person who handles that isn’t in right now.”

By every indication, in fact, that person had not been in for some time.

“The person who handles what?” I asked.“Taking messages that say ‘PLEASE STOP COMING?"

If sticking a Post-It note to your boss’s monitor is beyond your capabilities, then why are you even answering the phone? What types of situations are you empowered to handle?

So I left a voicemail message saying to please cancel the service and stop sending the guy to spray, and if they had any questions they could call me.

And that, I expect, is that.