I Was Told There Would Be No Math

These Obama guys just kill me. They are starting make Bush look like a skin flint.

When he received complaints about the $8 billion in pork laden earmarks in the latest Appropriations bill, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs described the amount at issue as small and insignificant.

Yesterday, when President Obama announced he would find a way to cut $100 million of wasteful spending, the same Robert Gibbs said:

"Only in Washington, D.C., is $100 million not a lot of money," Gibbs said. "It is where I'm from. It is where I grew up. And I think it is for hundreds of millions of Americans."

Even Paul Krugman, the most liberal voice in America, agrees that this is a joke.

Let’s say the administration finds $100 million in efficiencies every working day for the rest of the Obama administration’s first term. That’s still around $80 billion, or around 2% of one year’s federal spending.

Except, of course, Obama isn't talking about $100 million per day. He's talking about $100 million total. That's .00002857%. Sweet.

What a Bunch of Pansies

Somali Freaking Pirates

The US says it is working with other governments to tackle piracy by Somali pirate vessels on high seas, describing it as a 'serious issue' that Washington cannot solve alone.

A few thoughts.

First, whatever the UN says, do the opposite. Just generally a good rule of thumb until that organization gets its head out of its ass, which I think highly unlikely.

Second, this isn't complicated. International law is (or was, until pansies started to have a say in things) very clear. I could care less if we go in guns a blazing or if we call in Steven Segal for a stealth attack or if we just wait them out. But when it ends, you shoot them on the spot and throw their bodies in the ocean as shark food.

There is no middle ground here. Piracy has been around for centuries and it has always been handled this way. It's what Thomas Jefferson did, and if it was good enough for him it ought to be good enough for us.

Once again, history is very clear on this. You give in to these bastards and they'll keep doing it until no one is safe on the high seas. Which is of course what the pansies will do.

Pansies cause more death in the name of peace than all the generals in history combined. You could look that up.

Ach Du Lieber!

A helicopter rescue team was sent out after screams were heard in a German forest only to find a man laughing loudly at a new book.

A woman called emergency services after she said she could hear someone being tortured because she heard someone "screaming" for three hours.

The rescue team found Roland Hofmann and ordered him to give up and release his hostage.

Hofmann was shocked and explained to police he had gone into the forest to read "in peace and quiet" and was reading a book that him laugh out loud.

It's not clear what book the man was reading.

Roland Hofmann, I want to party with you, sir.

Paging Mr. Obvious

The sign in front of the home said it all: "This is NOT the crackhouse."

Uh, if you need to put that sign on your house odds are pretty good you need to move anyway.

Canadians. They're crazy.

Signs of the Apocalypse, Part 5

Is Waffle House Historic?

It's an icon in metro Atlanta. Now Waffle House might become a historical landmark.

An application is before the DeKalb Historical Preservation Committee to make Waffle House #1, on East College Avenue, a historic property.

There's a public hearing on the matter at the Maloof Center next week.

That particular Waffle House no longer serves it up scattered, smotherer and cover. It's been turned into a museum.

Didn't Know They Kept Such Records

CHARLOTTE, N.C., April 9 /PRNewswire/ -- Fertility specialists of Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte (REACH) herald the successful birth of a baby girl March 4 who was conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF) at their laboratory with sperm frozen for 21 years, which they believe ties the world record for the longest-frozen sperm used to create a baby with IVF.

Not even a freezer burn?

Wisdom. It's Free.

Very seldom do crises occur without government being at or near the root of the problem.

From Now On Every Time I Make a Mistake

I am just going to say, "Jacob made me do it."

I think it just might work.

Yeah, I Am Going to Hell. Your Point?

See, this is so bad it is hilarious. It's Great Odin's Raven! hilarious.

Reason No. 1,237 Why Liberals are Disingenuous

The irony here is deeper than the Mariana Trench.

First, they want to paid for their opinions, which, oh, I don't know, kind of suggests that those same opinions are not freely held. Which is kind of, I don't know, corrupt and dishonest. I thought they hated the whole quid pro quo arrangement between politicians and lobbyists/special interests and all that?

Second, notice how those who espouse socialism are bloodthirsty capitalists all of a sudden. Now they are "small businessmen struggling to survive."

I'd say these folks are unprincipled but that would be an insult to unprincipled people. Why anyone would ever listen to them boggles my mind.

Why Not Hold the Somali Pirates Hostage?

This is freaking brilliant.

I Think He Is Serious

I am pretty sure, however, that he should be an organ donor.

Here is the backdrop:

On April 15th, hundreds of thousands of PO’d red meat eatin’ Americans will converge on the streets to protest the Obama administration’s policies and platforms.

No big deal, right? I mean, I seem to recall a few folks getting together and protesting the Iraq War and other policies of the Bush Administration. Kind of what the First Amendment contemplates - the whole "petition the government for redress of grievances" thing.

But noooooooo........

In reality, their ‘movement’ is incredibly divisive, a mindset that stands in sharp contrast to Obama’s calls for bipartisanship in this time of great national need. Their arguments have the potential to divide the country along titanic lines not seen since the bloody days of the Civil War. Think I’m exaggerating here? The Tea Party movement is an incredibly dangerous concept, fuelled by the usual gushes of sycophantic support from the conservative news media.

So, if I disagree with Obama then too bad, I have to just suck it?

Apparently, the answer is yes...but it's even worse!!!

If the country continues down this dark path, a second Civil War might not just be a cool idea for a sci-fi novel anymore. Can you imagine the potential for chaos if some of these ‘protesters’ decide to exercise the Second Amendment and bring their weapons to these rallies? There’s a thin line between peaceful protest and bloodthirsty patriotic fervor, especially if those protesting are used to being on the side of the mighty status quo.

Whoa! Dude, it's just a protest. Kind of a big leap from protesting policies which are admittedly socialist to civil war, don't you think?

And I hope the protesters fail in their mission to bring their message to a national audience. It’s a message of fear, prejudice and, quite frankly, hate.

Anti-tax = hate? Did. Not. Know. That.

But it gets better.

President Obama was elected democratically, according to the doctrines set forth by the Founding Fathers. The Tea Party movement represents a real danger to the tenets of democracy Americans have embraced for centuries.

Last I checked the Founding Fathers were kind of inspired by and following through on principles espoused at the original [Boston] Tea Party, and foremost among these was "no taxation without representation."

Are there really people this stupid out there, and are they all Obama supporters?

I'm Guessing He Didn't Like It

Man shoots himself during "Watchmen" movie.

I heard it wasn't very good.

That Darn Obama

Some one should tell him that Austrians speak, um, German.

I wonder if he knows Brazilian or American?

I thought Bush was the idiot. Okay, he kind of was.

But still.

Interesting Reading

You have to love any article with the term "Crap Assets" in the title.

So basically here's a couple of chaps who are saying that everything the government is trying to do to save us is based upon a faulty premise.

I'd be surprised except for the fact it's the only answer that makes sense.

Occam's Razor and all that.

Meanwhile, Andrew Explains What Cold Means

All tax season our young intern, Andrew, refuses to wear a coat no matter how cold it is. When questioned about this, he always replies "It's not cold out."

It's snowing today.

Coat for Andrew?

Nope.

I think his ancestors were the same ones who said that 115 degree heat in Arizona wasn't really hot, but rather "dry heat."

Kind of Funny

A lot of people have been trying to buy soup from the shredder truck.

Cold Out This Morning

I can't feel my fingers.

But at least the back of my hand isn't freakishly red.

"Leggett" sort of rhymes with "Damn It!"

As predicted in the column a long time ago (Saturday), former Misfit Connie Leggett has won the 2009 NCCA Bracket Pool even though her team, Michigan State, got their sorry Big Ten asses kicked by a team from the South. And even though she didn't pick the most correct games. Great Oden's Raven it's not fair, but there you go. Well done, Connie. People who live in your neighborhood or who used to live in your neighborhood are now banned from participating. If she doesn't collect her winnings by 10 am the Committee will assume she is too embarrassed and award the prize money to whoever finished second (i.e, the first loser). Group Standings
Rank	Team Name	Score	Correct	Best Score	Best Correct	Champion
1	Connie Leggett	292	49	292	49	Michigan St. (112)
2	Greg Erickson	290	50	290	50	Louisville (150)
3	Leigh Anne Joseph	276	43	276	43	North Carolina (123)
4	Matthew McGowan	271	46	271	46	Louisville (168)
5	Robert Freeman	269	45	269	45	North Carolina (168)
6	Amy Holley	264	41	264	41	North Carolina (100)
7	Whitney Mcgowan	259	46	259	46	Louisville (167)
8	Buddy Hamilton	257	45	257	45	Louisville (173)
9	Phyllis Hodge	256	44	256	44	North Carolina (155)
10	Kristen Hicks	252	41	252	41	North Carolina (118)
11	Glenn Sharp	249	43	249	43	North Carolina (159)
12	danny pressley	249	46	249	46	Pittsburgh (142)
13	Kelly Fitzpatrick	244	43	244	43	North Carolina (123)
14	John Bailes	238	43	238	43	Pittsburgh (144)
15	Nelson Swainson	237	43	237	43	Louisville (155)
16	Christie Knapper	233	43	233	43	Duke (97)
17	Jake Hutchison	229	40	229	40	Pittsburgh (143)
18	Andrew Pitts	227	43	227	43	Memphis (179)
19	Hallie Richards	225	43	225	43	Pittsburgh (165)
20	Todd Bealer	224	39	224	39	North Carolina (155)
21	Adam Tinker	224	42	224	42	Connecticut (152)
22	Sandy Richards	223	42	223	42	Memphis (162)
23	Clay Irby	223	44	223	44	Pittsburgh (144)
24	Wade Knapper	222	43	222	43	Pittsburgh (149)
25	Jill Green	214	40	214	40	Oklahoma St. (143)
26	Jonathan Swainson	212	41	212	41	Louisville (171)
27	Allison Pressley	211	41	211	41	Memphis (158)
28	Joe Krumdieck	210	42	210	42	Pittsburgh (149)
29	Steve Richards	209	40	209	40	Louisville (167)
30	Mark King	208	40	208	40	Louisville (162)
31	Sarah Singleton	205	40	205	40	Memphis (138)
32	Matt King	204	40	204	40	Pittsburgh (126)
33	Jim McCollum	199	39	199	39	Louisville (134)
34	andrew hartung	195	40	195	40	Pittsburgh (119)
35	david young	192	35	192	35	Memphis (160)
36	Christine Bell	181	37	181	37	Pittsburgh (167)
37	Jessica Cooper	180	38	180	38	Memphis (188

What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

Looks more like who's eating Gilbert Goldfish?

Movie/TV Show Ideas

So I yell up to Besty:

"Hey Bets.....do you remember last week when I told you I had an idea for a movie or a TV show and you said, 'That's actually good. You should write that down?'"

Besty: "Not really."

Another dream dies a slow and agonizing death.

Anyway, there is so much crap on TV that I think we ought to be able to come up with more stuff that is, like, good. I think about it constantly.

What if there was a show just about dreams people had. I'd call it "Dreams." You could have a new cast every week - like the old Twilight Zone - so production costs would be reasonable. You'd give a lot of actors, directors and writers work, so they should be happy. It's like a blank canvas; you could have raucously funny episodes and then serious episodes so you could win Emmy Awards and People's Choice Awards. (Although I never understood the People's Choice Awards. I mean, who the %$#@ is the Hollywood Foreign Press, anyway? Are they "the People"? I didn't vote for them, and neither did you. They are foreigners!. Who cares what they think? But I digress.)

The cool thing is that - say, unlike LOST - it doesn't have to make sense BECAUSE IT IS A *&^ %$#@ DREAM!

For years growing up I had this dream I could fly. Not like in Heroes. More like I would flap my arms like a bird to get off the ground (but it seemed perfectly natural) and then mostly I'd glide around like a hawk - only with a smaller nose. I had this real sensation of flight when I would wake up (which usually occurred shortly after I crashed). Man, I loved that dream. Too bad they don't have DVR for your dreams.

That's why it's a bloody good idea for a show. Just imagine the material you'd have to work with. You wouldn't even have to rely on writers. You could set up a web site and people could send in their dreams and you would pay them like $25,000 and the writers could take it and make a good, tight script and they could cast good looking people to play you, and then when you went to a bar people would say, "Hey, didn't [insert good looking actor/actress' name here] play you on Dreams last night?"

And you could go, "Yeah, but he/she is a lot shorter [because everyone in Hollywood except Tim Robbins is a dwarf]."

And then everyone would buy you drinks.

That's it.

I am writing HBO write now.

This is now copyrighted.

I Wish I Could Do This For a Living

That about covers it.

I Love a Good Single Malt Scotch

Just throwing out gift ideas.

I hate it when people say "I don't know what to get you."

With 9 Days To Go

I am reminded that me doing tax work is like baking soda working with vinegar.

Let's Do the Time Warp

JC Penney.

Circa 1977.

Just don't blame me if you are drinking milk and it comes out your nose when you start laughing.

Life is so good I can taste it in my spit

Not yet.

But almost.

We're born to live and then to die, and... we got to do it alone, each in his own way.

And we have to love those people in our lives who deserve it like there's no tomorrow.

Because when you get right down to it - there isn't.

My Conversation With DJ (continued)

DJ: [looking at a Due Date printout] It's almost Judgment Day, you know?
GE: No. What's that then?
DJ: Well, it's, you know, like the the final day on Earth, when mankind will be judged for the crimes they've committed and that. We file extensions. Plus it's Gilbert's birthday.
GE: Oh. But you intrigue me. Who gets into heaven and who gets into hell and all that?
DJ: Yeah, kind of like that. Until then, it's like....
GE: Purgatory.
DJ: Purgatory... what's that?
GE: Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one. You weren't really bad, but you weren't all that great either. Like Wartburg.

[pause]

DJ: Do you believe in all that stuff?
GE: About Wartburg?

In Which the Secret to Tax Season is Revealed

Debbie Jones: Did we or did we not agree that if I left you alone during tax season you'd do the things I needed to get done?
GE: Didn't we do all the things you wanted to do get done?
DJ: Yes, but I wanted them done without you throwing a *&^%ing moody, like a five year old who's dropped all his candy.
GE: We didn't agree to that.

Where is Marlon Perkins When You Need Him?

An Interview with Mark King

GE: Mark, you've never done well at this. Why do you play?
MK: It's a lot like breeding cattle.
GE: How so?
MK: The odds of winning are pretty slim.
GE: Well, maybe. But we don't have that many contestants?
MK: I know, but you have to like Gordon.
GE: Jeff Gordon?
MK: Yeah, he won today. He was due.
GE: I thought you were an Earnhardt guy?
MK: I am. But, well, you know.... Gordon would have six titles under the old system. Dale only had seven. I think this is Gordon's year.
GE: That's a nice jacket you are wearing.
MK: You like it?
GE: I do. Is it made of wool?
Mk: Yes, it is.
GE: Was it expensive? It looks expensive.
MK: No. It was quite reasonable.
GE: Where did you get it?
MK: MS McClelllan.
GE: Nice. One more question?
MK: Shoot.
GE: Do they make them for men?
MK: GREAT ODEN'S RAVEN!

Meanwhile, While We Ate Dinner

I tried GREAT ODEN'S RAVEN at dinner. It was received well by the boys; by Besty not so much.

Did I mention that Sam and Jack liked it? Great Oden's Raven - they loved it!

Anyway, we had filets for dinner, which Besty got a great deal on at Kroger. She gets two 10 oz steaks and we cut them in half. A little red wine, some green beans and some gnocchi with olive oil & parmesan cheese It's not as good as my fresh homemade gnocchi from freaking scratch, but it only takes about 4 minutes instead of 4 hours, so it's a worthwhile trade-off. Very Food Network; stellar presentation and great flavor

We had a family discussion about the morality of eating beef. We increasingly prefer good beef just medium rare, maybe a hair under medium rare. Besty told the boys she could understand why vegetarians felt the way they do.

Jack replies: "Yeah, I understand. Fun to pet. Better to chew." (And I am not making this up.)

Those darn kids!

Here's a Thought

Some time during the day, instead of cursing (or thinking about cursing), I want you to say, in a loud voice:

GREAT ODEN'S RAVEN!

Let's start a trend.(T-shirt's are available.)

Before There Was Nike

Your sneakers were made by tire companies.

Makes sense to me. Unless you're not the casual type.

Years later the advertising industry recognized that insulting people in order to get them to wear gay sneakers was a bad move.

How do I know this?

Well, is B.F. Goodrich still in the sneaker business?

Check It Out

That's Former Senator, Former Rhodes Scholar, Former Final Four MVP Bill Bradley. I think the other guy is a dorkish version of the wolfman.

Or John Sandercock. THE John Sandercock.

John Sandercock has been in Sports Illustrated. Have you? Then stop laughing.

Clearly this is before "cool" was invented. Also before name changes were apparently legal in Great Britain.

What Your Bracket Looked Like in 1966

It's Not Lying If A Poll Supports Your Position

Seriously.

In a special election yesterday, a Southern Louisiana city of 22,000 overwhelmingly rejected photo enforcement. Asked, "Shall Ordinance No. 873, M-C Series adopting automated speed enforcement for the City of Sulphur, Louisiana, be repealed?" eighty-six percent of voters said "Yes." After results are certified on April 13, the Australian speed camera vendor Redflex Traffic Systems will be sent packing.

Sulphur's ballot box totals contrast sharply with public opinion survey results published by traffic camera vendor American Traffic Solutions (ATS). A review of ATS contracting arrangements with municipalities showed that ATS-sponsored polling is regularly offered as part of a suite of marketing services intended to promote the sale of automated ticketing machines. In a March 17 press release, for example, ATS insisted that camera opponents were the minority.

"A recent survey shows two-thirds of Missourians support police photo traffic enforcement using red-light cameras -- but that many of those supportive Missourians mistakenly assume the technology is not favored by most of their neighbors," the ATS release stated. "By a remarkable 66 percent to 30 percent margin, voters supported red light cameras."

In January, ATS hired Public Opinion Strategies to generate a similar survey showing 63 percent of Arizona voters supported speed cameras. Although traffic cameras frequently enjoy enthusiastic support in public opinion research sponsored by the industry, they have never once succeeded with voters on election day.

Real voters in Cincinnati, Ohio rejected red light cameras last November. Seventy-six percent of Steubenville, Ohio residents rejected photo radar in 2006. In less recent votes, speed cameras lost by a two-to-one margin in Peoria, Arizona and Batavia, Illinois. Anchorage, Alaska also rejected a photo radar program in 1997.

I mean, I didn't know that pollsters could ever be wrong. I certainly wouldn't have predicted this, unless, like, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR TWO SECONDS!

And I certainly would not expect President Obama to try anything like this.

Unless he thinks he can get away with it. Seriously, what's the big deal if the White House controls the 2010 census?

Is Obama Really That Dangerous?

You do the math.



Ironic that it took a black President to turn us all into slaves.

Leggett Wins!

It's over.

Sparked by the improbable rise of Michigan State, Connie Leggett has claimed the 2009 NCAA Basketball Pool Championship. The Championship game is now meaningless, unless North Carolina wins the game and the ever-expanding Leigh Ann Joseph somehow manages to overcome Connie's seemingly insurmountable 50 point lead.

In other news, President Obama announced a plan to tax all pool winners nationwide at 90% in order to prove to everyone that yes, he really is a *&^!@#%()>+/$ socialist.

I Told You So, Part 1

Banks forced to accepted TARP funds.

Public outrage over the whereabouts of TARP funds grows.

Banks who didn't want the money in the first place try to give it back.

President Obama rejects offer to return the funds.

Now, you ask, why would he do that? Isn't getting the money back a good thing?

Hmmm....perhaps the President wants total control over the banks.
And the auto industy.
And the health care industry?

But why?

Other Fun Facts About Great Britain

So Obama goes to the G20 summit and has his crack staff give the press a briefing kit which explained that Great Britain was and island that was “slightly smaller than Oregon“.

Really? Oregon? It rains a lot in Oregon, so that works, but I think they have much better teeth there. Anyway, there really are lots of FUN FACTS ABOUT BRITAIN:

* There’s some confusion over the terms England, Britain, and UK. England is a country. Britain is an island comprised of England, Scotland, and Wales. UK is a very dirty word that’s missing two letters.

* There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain, including the Queen before she changed her name to Elizabeth.

* Britain’s emergency number is 999 instead of 911, which - over there - is the number for an adult chat line. This causes a lot of confusion for Americans who expect “what’s your emergency?” and get “what are you wearing?” instead.

* In 1745 the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832. Anyone who’s seen a Scotsman on a windy day wishes it still were.

* The two favorite pastimes in Britain are drinking tea and frantically searching for a public toilet.

* In 2012 the Olympics will be held in London, with Britain being the favorite to win the gold in the 100 Meter Silly Walk.

* Although people often make fun of the tall, bearskin hats worn by the Royal Guard, it’s been scientifically determined that the hats are only 5% goofier-looking than Donald Trump’s combover. Plus Beefeaters is great gin.

* Every year in May, the town of Bognor Regis hosts its annual clown parade. A similar event takes place in the US, but we refer to it as Congress.

* Theatre Royal Bristol is the oldest continuously working theatre in Britain and has been staging “Cats” since 1766.

* Cheddar Cheese was discovered 800 years ago by accident when a milk maid allowed a pail of milk to go bad whilst being stored in the caves at Cheddar. Thus its nickname of “Stupid Lazy Wench Cheese”.

* Matthew Webb was the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He left from Dover in 1875, arrived in France 22 hours later and immediately accepted the surrender of the frightened populace.

* The Hansom Cab (the first taxi) was invented and produced in the town of Hinckley by Joseph Hansom in 1835. He later invented the cab driver by founding the nation of Pakistan.

* Popular as a sandwich spread in Britain, Marmite, is a foul-smelling, brown, sticky paste reminiscent of congealed soy sauce, made from yeast-extract left over from the brewing process. It’s sold under the slogan, “It ain’t good, but at least it ain’t haggis”.
In Australia this is known as Vegemite and it's truly awful, which explains why Aussies have to have it when they have a a hangover.

* Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it’s perfect for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary.

Thanks to Frank J.

As If You Needed Proof

Russia's Dmitry Medvedev hailed Barack Obama as "my new comrade" Thursday after their first face-to-face talks.

My NEW Comrade?

I didn't want to believe it, but the evidence grows daily. Our President is a commie.

And "commie" is still a four letter word to me.

Although, to be fair, my name is a four letter word, too.

I Don't Like Cats

Yet I was moved to tears by this story. Definitely worth reading.

I guess that no matter how much life seems to suck at times there are always reminders that the love is the most powerful force in the universe.

But I still don't like cats.

Can Detroit Actually get Worse?

If Obama follows through (I am very doubtful), and actually puts the companies into bankruptcy, I'll be awfully impressed--it's hard for any president to give up Michigan, but especially for a Democrat who wants labor support.

So then the question is, what next? Which brands go?

Buick, for sure, and Pontiac.

Which plants close? And what is the government going to do to help autoworkers? They're not just out of a job--they're stuck in a state that will be absolutely devastated by these closures. Their houses will be worth almost nothing. What do you do with a 50-year-old auto worker who has lived in a factory town all his life?

There isn't another option, unfortunately. But the death of the UAW will be a good thing for the country.

Fascinating Graph

Seriously, I had no idea.