"Behold His mighty hand!" (reference to Steve Richards decision to pick Kansas in the pool)
"Soylent Green is people!"(Steve works for Sysco)
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" (to a Florida fan during a UT-Florida football game)
Hillary Clinton is running on her competence and determination to insure everybody. But she hasn't paid her staff's medical bills in a couple months.
Barack Obama is running as a new kind of candidate with a new kind of campaign. But his campaign is spreading good old-fashioned, er, misinformation. Oddly, they seem to think that hey, he amended the document and signed it himself, but that doesn't mean he actually read the thing is a good defense. [NOTE: yes, staffers do fill out questionnaires, and it is entirely plausible that Obama didn't read it the first time. It's even plausible that he didn't really read it thoroughly the second time, though one wonders why he filed an amended version if he or his policy people hadn't checked it closely enough to detect errors. But it's pretty implausible that a questionnaire was filled out and sent without ever being checked by the policy people who knew his positions well.]
Hillary Clinton is running on her experience. But it turns out she might not be quite so eager to discuss some of that experience, such as the meeting she had with a fellow who was apparently, illegally lobbying for Saddam Hussein, and who says Hillary Clinton "passed a message to the State Department" about the need to implement the oil-for-food deal..."
Barack Obama is running as the sort of Uniter-Not-Divider politician who can bring us all together in rapturous harmony. But he keeps finding himself having to explain his choice in spiritual advisors and campaign committee members.
Hillary Clinton is running on her experience. But she found herself on the wrong side of Factcheck.org after she inserted herself into more foreign hot spots than Where in the Hell is Matt, and it turned out her foreign policy experience didn't resemble the Red Baron so much as Baron Von Munchausen.
Barack Obama is running on his unwillingness to take money from oil companies. But he's also been factcheck.org'd, since it turns out that no candidate has taken money from oil companies, and Obama has "accepted more than $213,000 from individuals who work for companies in the oil and gas industry and their spouses."
Hillary Clinton is running on her competence. But she has had to back down from her claims about experiencing sniper fire in Bosnia, claiming she was merely "sleep-deprived" and had "misspoke". ("Tired" is the politician's equivalent of the "flu" excuse that movie stars use when they need to spend a bit of time in rehab; it's transparently false, but they seem to think people buy it.) But she had been "repeating this whopper for nearly three months" and the "Bosnia anecdote was part of her prepared remarks, scripted and vetted with her staff."
She must have been very tired.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
