I Find This Problematic

This is a recent appeal in the criminal case of State of Tennessee v. Carmi Binkins. (I am not making up that name, either.)

On Sunday, November 20, 2005, at approximately 4:00 A.M., victims Jeremy
Townsend and Darrel Crawford and witness Mario Lott were sitting in a car along
with defendant Carmi Binkins in the 6111 Apartments in Hickory Hill. Defendant
Binkins instructed witness Lott to go upstairs. Witness Lott left the vehicle and went upstairs at which time he heard several shots fired. Witness Lott returned to the car and observed victims laying across the front seat and blood on the front seat.

Witness Lott observed a silver gun in defendant’s right hand. Witness then ran away.
Defendant Binkins got into the driver’s seat, pushed victim Townsend into the
passenger seat on top of victim Crawford, and drove to a gas station in DeSoto
County, Mississippi. Defendant Binkins got out of the car and left it running. At this time, victim Townsend moved in the driver’s seat and drove to another gas station at Highway 61 and Star Landing to get help. Victim Crawford and victim Townsend were taken to the [Regional Medical Center]. Victim Crawford is unable to
communicate and is still listed in extremely critical condition at the [Regional
Medical Center]. Victim Townsend is in stable condition and was able to give an
oral statement as to what happened. Victim Townsend pointed out Carmi Binkins
as the person that shot him through photo lineup. Witness Mario Lott was brought
to 201 Poplar where he gave a type written statement and identified Carmi Binkins
as the shooter through photo lineup.

Now Carmi Binkins was convicted on a slew of attempted murder and assault charges. The phrase guilty as sin comes to mind.

I don't want to deny anybody the right to a fair trial, but this son of a bitch only sentenced to 48 years in prison, and it's clear to me that he should be in a cell and that he never leaves except to take a shower.

But he appeals because one of the guys he shot appeared to testify but couldn't speak - he just pointed at him.

I think the lawyer who represented this total piece of crap should be disbarred. The appeal itself probably cost the taxpayers at least $5,000. For what? This crap happens every day. It needs to stop.

Carmi Binkins? Of course he's going to end up a criminal with a name like that.

More Stuff on Aunt Ginny

I am pretty sure she doesn't blog, or use the internet, so I think I am safe.

And I do love her and owe her a lot in my life. She's my Mom's older (by 12 years) sister and my godmother. Never married. Very Catholic. As in the Pope isn't as Catholic as Aunt Ginny (hereinafter AG).

Anyway, she is a book I need to write. The material is endless, though not of it is funny. Fortunately most of it is.

Rather than recreate her adventures, I think I wll just call her and take notes.

Then the book writes itself. My style.

Breaking News

Besty says I can't make up quotes for her anymore.

Fair enough.

In my life, few things (if any) are more important than staying on her good side.


She makes me a better man.

From Disturbing to Weird

Must be a CBS thing.

Anyway, have you seen those silly commercials for The Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves?

Of course you have. Everyone has. And you want one. So do I. I mean, who doesn't?

The ladies of CBS This Morning apparently discovered The Snuggie phenomenon, and shared a Snuggie on the air this morning, which was kind of kinky and much to Harry Smith's chagrin. You can almost Hear Harry thinking to himself "I have absolutely no dignity left. None."


Watch CBS Videos Online

Now, I know my Aunt Ginny has one of these, because she only shops via TV and is especially drawn to crap like this. But that is fodder for another post.

Didn't you just love this line from the lady who isn't Julie Chen: "This is what it must be like to be a siamese twin."

Uh oh, Lady Who Isn't Julie Chen! You just know she is going to get some letters for that one, maybe even lose her job.

I HATE political correctness.

This is Just Disturbing

Anyway, another of my least favorite people EVER is Katie F. Couric. I think she should be institutionalized. Or shot. I'm flexible here.

Because her news broadcast on CBS routinely draws a smaller audience than re-runs of Two and a Half Men (Who watches that? I mean, really. Who watches that?), they have given her "ALL ACCESS" to the Grammys.

You knew this had to be good, and it is!

Here she is interviewing Lil Wayne, whom I assume to be a rapper. (And I was right!)

Watch CBS Videos Online

Maybe "interviews" is the wrong word. She looks at Lil Wayne with a straight face while he talks. Is it me, or is this dude completely nuts?

There's nothing creepier than a crazy person who speaks in complete sentences. Truman Capote should be writing about this guy.

And how's this for informative: "He's a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions."

Did. Not. Know. That.

I am definitely re-thinking my opposition to the death penalty after watching this guy.

You have to hand it to Katie, though. I haven't seen her this intent on keeping her "serious journalist face" intact since she interviewed Sarah Palin.

And To Think There Are Those Who Mocked Sarah Palin

As previously noted (but I cannot say it enough), this is the dumbest and most dangerous person in Washington, and she has a lot of competition for that dubious honor.

Good God, is this what we have come to? Is there a single honest man or woman in Washington?

Take a Break and Read This

Just read this. Now.

I'll wait.

Is It Just Me...

or might others agree that this might suggest the policy is misguided?

This April, a mandate from the California Air Resources Board (CARB) called the Enhanced Vapor Recovery Program (EVRP) will go into effect. The idea behind the program is to get next-generation clean nozzles and equipment installed at fuel pumps in the state in order to control emissions. Sounds like a good thing, right? The environment wins becasue ground-level ozone should be reduced and people win, too.

What's the problem? These new cleaner gas stations aren't cheap, and "dozens, and potentially hundreds" of gas stations in California might close down instead to upgrade. In other words, in this case, going green means going out of business. According to the Pasadena Star-News, the South Coast Air Quality Management District has heard from 76 refueling sites (of about 4,500 total in its area) that will shut down because of the high costs of the EVRP. CARB responds by saying that gas prices will go up by about 0.68 cents a gallon to cover the cost of upgrading.

Lost jobs. Lost tax revenues. More expensive gas. Sounds like a good trade off to me.

Then again, its not like governments would ever impose a technology in the name of a cleaner environment that would end up not only creating more pollution but was also a carcinogen. Naw, that would never happen.

In Which I Respond to Email

Alert reader Adam Tinker writes: "Where do you stand on global warming?"

Me?

Where do I stand on global warming?

I would like to stand on Al Gore’s throat until he stops breathing.

That’s where I stand.

In Which I Get in Trouble

I am known to be, well, brutally frank when asked my opinion. This can be a bad thing.

So I come home last night, and - even knowing that Besty was getting here hair done because she mentioned it the night before - I forget to mention it.

So she mentions it to me.

Now, she's been trying to go more natural, which is great for me because (1) I like it and (2) it should cost less (at least in theory). Kind of a dirty blonde, I think is the term.

But last night it was, well....REDDISH. The intent was strawberry blonde, but they got too much strawberry and not enough blonde.

So I reacted rather harshly then spent the rest of the night apologizing (it wasn't THAT bad).

So we sit down for dinner, and you know what Jack says about it?

He says, "Dad, do you know why most blondes live in LA?"

I answer, "No."

"Because it's easy to spell."

Love that kid.

Next Time....On LOST

Could it be that Charlotte is actually Rusty from Mask?

WARNING

This blog is going to be more political in the coming days.

Let me go on record as saying that if terrorists destroyed Washington DC - everyone and everything in it - well, I'd be sad about all the great buildings, the Smithsonian and the National Archives - but otherwise....I think that would call for a drink.

To celebrate.

These [insert string of expletives] need to go. And by go, I meango. To hell. Literally.

In Other News

Okay. so Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States.

Great.

You know what that means?

ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View’.”

Cool. I think.

Apparently this chick actually won a recent beauty pageant with this strange, but truly skilled talent. The secret is revealed at the 2:04 mark (because you'll get bored waiting , even though it is worth the wait).

Bonus feature: the anchor guy says "whirlygig." You know you are gettting top notch quality entertainment whenever someone says whirlygig.

No need to thank me.

In Which I Make an Honest Mistake

Once, when I was in the Army, my neighbor asked me to watch his condo while he went out of town for a few weeks. Pick up the mail, water the plants, that sort of thing.

No problem, I say.

About two weeks later he calls me to see how things are going and then he says, "By the way, how's Miles ?"

Miles?

That would be the hamster he forgot to mention.

Miles was dead.

My bad.

Apropos of Nothing

So I am driving to work and the sportstalk people go to commercial like they do every thirty seconds and NPR is talking about global warming, so I instinctively hit the button for another station, and I hear "Take the Money and Run" by the Steve Miller Band.

Now, I really like Steve Miller (what happened to him?), so I leave it on. Then I hear this verse:

They headed down to, ooh, old El Paso
That's where they ran into a great big hassle
Billy Joe shot a man while robbing his castle
Bobbie Sue took the money and run
Go on take the money and run

Why write a narrative song in which the last word of the chorus is a verb?

If you do that then you can't make the tense shift while maintaining your rhyme scheme. "Bobbie Sue took the money and run"? That's gibberish, man. Think about it.

But what can you expect from a guy who shoves "ooh, old" in front of "El Paso" so that he can rhyme it with "hassle"?

Idiots. I am Surrounded by Idiots.

In this post I will not even mention Nancy Pelosi, the Queen of the Idiots.

No.

On SportsCenter this morning Trent Dilfer - yes, can't suck enough as a player but I was quarterback of the Ravens the year they won the Super Bowl for that rat bastard Art Modell - is our analyst. Dumb as a brick. Perhaps not even that bright.

Anyway, he starts talking about how you have to have that "razor sharp" focus as a player during Super Bowl week. Says "razor sharp" or "razor like" maybe three times for emphasis.

Now, razors are sharp, and a sharp focus is good. But I am pretty sure he really means "laser" and not "razor."

Dumbass.

Yes, Yes, I know.

I have not been posting. But I have been writing, just not satisfied with anything. So I have a big cache of stuff ready to unleash on you....someday.

It seems I vascillate constantly between thinking about work, thinking goofy thoughts and thinking about all the bad stuff going on in the world today.

No focus, hence the work product suffers.

Final Word on the Inauguration

Though often obscene, I have always found Chris Rock to be hysterical. Pee in your pants funny. The man is brutally honest, and quite likely one of the smartest men in the country (comics have the highest IQs anyway).

His concise assessment of the duties of the President, though imperfect, speaks volumes:

CNN: What are you hoping Barack Obama does for this country? What do you think is his most important task?

Rock: You know, if you’re the president you only have two jobs: peace and money. That’s it. I mean, it’s like, what did Clinton do? We were at peace and we had a budget surplus. That’s it. That’s the gig. The closer you get us to those two goals, you know, that’s pretty much the gig. Is that too much to ask for?

It's So Crazy It Might Just Work

I am thinking about sending this in and seeing what happens.

It's from a December 1965 issue of Sports Illustrated.

It works out to about $0.14 per issue, and I think the swimsuit issue is worth at least that much.

I never did get myself anything for Christmas.

Apropos of Nothing

Do you know what that is?

No, it is NOT the DEATH STAR from Star Wars.

It's actually one of the moons of Saturn.

But it sure looks like the Death Star to me.

The implications here are mind-blowing.

I have a lot of posts in storage, but none ready for posting. Yet.

Stay tuned.

Self Explanatory (If Blonde Read Explanation)

Just messing with you, blondes!

Well, Why Not?

Take That, You Vegan Bastards!

I just read on THE INTERNET that researchers had discovered an animal made out of tofu.

Britain On the Edge of Bankruptcy?

Man, this sounds awfully familiar.

Again, the more we trust government to solve problems the more disatisified we will be with the outcome.

Hey, Al Gore! What Happened?

44% Say Global Warming Due To Planetary Trends, Not People

Al Gore’s side may be coming to power in Washington, but they appear to be losing the battle on the idea that humans are to blame for global warming.

Forty-four percent (44%) of U.S. voters now say long-term planetary trends are the cause of global warming, compared to 41% who blame it on human activity.

Seven percent (7%) attribute global warming to some other reason, and nine percent (9%) are unsure in a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey.

Fifty-nine percent (59%) of Democrats blame global warming on human activity, compared to 21% percent of Republicans. Two-thirds of GOP voters (67%) see long-term planetary trends as the cause versus 23% of Democrats. Voters not affiliated with either party by eight points put the blame on planetary trends.

Yup, The Media is Still A Bunch of *&^%ing Morons.

"A lot of white people. A lot of Asians. This is really a diverse crowd."

The wisdom of Wolf Blitzer.

What would we do without it?

Including the various media reps, Congressmen and Senators in attendance, there are some of the stupidest, most contemptible people in America at the Inauguration. Plus ted Kennedy! I hope Obama has the good sense and guts to put these bozos in their place.

America would love that. Approval rating: 95%.

Congratulations, President Obama.

Today is a big day for America, and I for one take great pride in the inauguration of Barack Obama as our 44th President. In the end I could not bring myself to vote for McCain, and while I did not vote for Obama, either (I voted present), I wish him the very best. He has my full support, at least until he pisses me off.

I remain very wary of the democratic party. I am equally wary of the republicans, but I know that the path to our salvation as a nation does not lie with bigger government. Indeed, government at all levels MUST shrink if we are to have any meaningful future.

But I digress.

Today is a happy day, and I hope Obama is a very successful President.

My God! Is This What We Have Come To?

The economy is bad. Life as we know it will soon end; the Mayan calendar says so. All in all, our prospects are grim.

A story getting very little play so far is the train wrecks that are state and local governments. Unlike Congress, they can't just print more money, so if they can't make ends meet and cannot borrow the money, there have to be cuts.

There are few grown-ups in government anywhere. If there were, we'd be hearing about PAY CUTS for government workers. It's going to happen anyway, so why not do it responsibly. There is tremendous evidence that government employees of all stripes are overpaid relative to their private sector counterparts - not in all cases, of course, but in many, especially when you factor in benefits, which also need to be cut drastically. (Again, this is going to happen anyway).

But I digress.

Normally, the answer is to raise taxes....but these are bad times to be raising taxes. In order to coax the taxpayer into a tax increase, the normal approach is to cut vital services so the taxpayer feels the pain of loss acutely. But nobody really focuses on non-essential services.

The LA Times does, however. San Diego faces a $43MM shortfall, detailed here. So how do they cut back? BY ELIMINATING SUPERVISION AT THE LOCAL SKATEBOARD PARKS!!!!

The fact that we even have paid supervision at skateboard parks is alarming to me.

Public Service

This handy chart illustrates what the phrase "Do you want to go for a drink?" means to men and women, respectively.





You do not need to thank me.

In Which Ryan Looks Like an Idiot

During the American Idol premiere last night a pretty cool-seeming blind guy made it to the next level(after the perfunctory you-should-be-rooting-for-this-guy-or-you-are a-heartless-bastard-like-Simon video).

So Ryan Seacrest forgets he is blind and tries to high-five him.



Comedy gold.

American Idol is Back!

Besty loves it; I hate it. Except for the people who suck.

Tremendous review of the show (I only saw about 30 minutes and that was about 29 minutes too long) can be found here. Best graph:

Katrina Darrell is the bikini girl. She loves Ryan and has already picked out their children’s names. She says she and Ryan are gonna make out when she gets her golden ticket. He’s like, that’s against the rules, and um, YOU’RE A GIRL.

Why the Middle East Has Issues

Dude!

Rodent Control in Australia

I don't think Worthington could do that.

Look! That Shark Must Have Eaten at Krystal!

The Difference Between a Lake in TN and a Lake in Australia

Cute Baby Picture

Bet They Have to Wash This Wet Suit in HOT Water

Helpful Tip from the Fridge Nazi

Former misfit Hollie Hissam emails this helpful video link:

I saw this video and I thought you would like it: http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-stop-co-workers-from-stealing-your-food

In Which Jean-Claude Van Damme Becomes a Man

Again. Not Making This Up.

In which the TV Weatherman screams like a little girl.

I Am Not Making This Up

As if you needed more evidence that Microsoft has issues. I bet it crashes a lot for no reason, too.

This is a REAL ad. I wonder what would happen if they made the detainees at Guantanamo listen to it.

How to be a Good Neighbor (Revised)

1. Don't speak. Ever. Including when on the telephone.
2. No YouTube, damn it.
3. Do not use the phone.
4. Confidential matters should be kept as such. Do not discuss them unless you make those imaginary quotation marks in the air with your fingers when sharing with others.
5. Take your cellular phone to lunch...wait a minute....there is no lunch.
6. Put your cellular phone on vibrate when at your desk and sit on it. Then call each other and see who starts to smile first.
7. Personal calls. WTF? We do not have time for personal calls. Who came up with this? Whoever it is is fired.
8. Do not shoot "spit wads" (unless they started it and you are merely returning fire).
9. Do not use sign language unless you are speaking with Marlee Matlin.
9. Do not attend meetings. It's like a herd of buffaloes going down the hall when a meeting scheduled.
10. Use headphones when listening to music or other sound-producing files unless it's a great song you think most people would enjoy if they had any taste. And please, never, ever listen to 80s music.
11. If you happen to overhear a private or confidential conversation, pretend that you never heard it all. This does not apply to billing requests, of course.
13. Beware of smells. Like you know when you have to fart in an airport and you look for a Pakistani family because everyone else will think it is them and they'll think it's dinner.
14. Keep your work area neat and clean with all documents filed in the proper places. Okay, forget that one. Ain't happening. What was I thinking?
15. If you are sick, stay home. If you think you might be sick, stay home. If there is an important Oprah episode, stay home.
16. Kick others out gracefully. Be creative. Or just give 'em the finger.
17. Do not sneak up on others unless you can get away with it.
18. Resist the urge to ask your cube neighbor a question “over the wall.”
19. Do not talk to yourself. It freaks me out. Especially if you get into an argument.
20. Do not laugh loudly at the latest joke of the day. Do not read this blog.
Unless you really feel like you have to.

In Which I Bore You With a Profound Insight

Ever hear the phrase "life imitates art?" Consider a novel written in 1957 with the following plot:

Politicians invariably respond to crises -- that in most cases they themselves created -- by spawning new government programs, laws and regulations. These, in turn, generate more havoc and poverty, which inspires the politicians to create more programs . . . and the downward spiral repeats itself until the productive sectors of the economy collapse under the collective weight of taxes and other burdens imposed in the name of fairness, equality and do-goodism.

Sound familiar?

The novel? Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand.

One memorable moment occurs near the very end, when the economy has been rendered comatose by all the great economic minds in Washington. Finally, out of desperation, the politicians come to heroic businessman John Galt (who has resisted their assault on capitalism from the start) and beg him to help them get the economy back on track.

You know all the talk about "czars" we have today? Same thing.

Galt: "You want me to be Economic Dictator?"

Mr. Thompson: "Yes!"

"And you'll obey any order I give?"

"Implicitly!"

"Then start by abolishing all income taxes."

"Oh no!" screamed Mr. Thompson, leaping to his feet. "We couldn't do that . . . How would we pay government employees?"

"Fire your government employees."

"Oh, no!"

Abolishing the income tax.

Now that really would be a genuine economic stimulus.

Good Eye

Alert reader Kristin Hicks asks:

Is the guy in greenish paint the same guy Amy Holley went out with last week?

No.

But Amy does have a pair of shoes just like his.

Remind Me Again

Why any thinking human being gives a &^%$ about anything anyone in LA says? Seriously.

Shouldn't we have a rule that whatever they say or do in California the rest of us have to do the opposite? Who's with me?

Inspirational Tax Season Message

From Gary Busey, no less. You guys have no ideas the lengths to which I will go for you.

Once Again I am Speechless

The stuff you can find on YouTube during halftime.

And yes, that's Raquel Welch.

This Was a Big Hit in 1984

I have no idea why. But when you read the "back story" it makes you re-think everything.*

While at a Rolling Stones concert in Berlin, Nena's guitarist Carlo Karges noticed that balloons were being released. As he watched them move toward the horizon, he noticed them shifting and changing shapes, where they looked nothing like a mass of balloons but some strange spacecraft. (The word in the German lyrics "UFO") He thought about what might happen if they floated over the Berlin Wall to the Soviet sector.

Both the English and German versions of the song tell a story of ninety-nine balloons floating into the air, triggering an apocalyptic overreaction by military forces.

* Not really.

Beats the Hell Out of Me

But check out the dance moves on the guy with a beard. I am pretty sure these are upper rights.

In Which I Have an Offbeat Thought

The other day I noticed that my shampoo bottle claims that its contents were not tested on animals. Is this the manufacturer's way of telling me that their shampoo it is being tested on me?

What exactly would you test shampoo on if not another mammal - carpet? Because my hair is not like carpet at all.

Well, maybe a longish shag, but I don't think they make that anymore.

At least not in my color.

I am pretty sure I am not the only one who thinks about this stuff.

In Which Besty Surprises Me

A few days ago, I said to Besty, expressing surprise that she didn’t know some bit of trivia about me, “How long have we been married anyway?”

To this she immediately responded, “1500 years. Next year you’re supposed to get me plutonium.”

Which explains why we get along so well.

Last Night on Top Chef

Besty and I watch Top Chef because we both like to cook. Anyway, here are some thoughts on last night's show.

As you may recall, no chefs were eliminated last time because it was Christmas. So we open with Fabio (whom I like) making breakfast: "spam and pork and bean issa breakfas' of champion."

The special guest judge for the Quickfire Challenge is French pastry chef Jean-Christophe Novelli who Padma tells us is getting his own show on Bravo, Chef Academy. I haven't heard of this show before, but from the looks of Mr. Novelli, there are going to be a lot of open-collar shirt challenges, and disdainful glower because I am French eliminations.

For this challenge, the chefs have to prepare a dessert without any sugar. Padma and Chef Novelli actually push the sugar out of the kitchen on a cart. Actually, Padma and Chef Novelli push the sugar out of the camera frame on a cart, and then promptly hand the cart over to a production assistant to put back in the pantry for later, because let's be honest about stuff.

Then Padma describes it as the Diet Dr. Pepper challenge because there was a commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper right before the break. Although it's never really explained what Diet Dr. Pepper has to do with delicious gourmet sugar-free desserts beyond the fact that the show has always used product placement in order to lower production costs.

Chef Novelli hates everything. He describes every dish as "very interesting" or "[supercilious eyebrow raise]". Fabio thinks that Novelli's being tough on him because of the World Cup, because that's something European that American viewers will have heard of.

Similarly, Stefan keeps making "jokes" that he's French. Do you get it? Because he's not French. That's the joke. Europe!

Carla, Ariane, and Jamie are Novelli's least favorites. That's the problem with being a caricature of a snooty French food snob: there's no sense of proportion or scale. If everything is terrible then nothing is terrible. Radhika, Leah, and Jeff's desserts were Novelli's favorites, but in the end it's Radhika's bread pudding that wins.

This week's elimination challenge is in honor of the new permanent judge, Toby Young, author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. It's a family style meal with blind judging, so everyone's dish will be served anonymously. The chefs split up into two teams, and the twist is that the family for whom this family style meal will be prepared consists of the judges and the other team of contestants.

When Eugene thinks of family style he thinks of whole fish. The only cuisine Eugene seems to have grown up around, based on past performance, looks like it belongs at a garbage dump getting pawed over by a stray cat.

Jamie, the lesbo dwarf, wants to make scallops because last time the judges "totally dogged" her for serving raw scallops. She'll show them. This leads to the great Fabio moment .

Toby Young is like Simon Cowell. Here are some of his choice one-liners:

"The UN weapons inspectors were looking in the wrong place in the run-up to the Iraq war because I have found the weapons of mass destruction and they are in this bowl."

"It was the bland leading the bland."

"The avocado sorbet was like Tom Cruise's cameo in Tropic Thunder: an unexpected treat."

In the end, Stefan's duck, Ariane's skate, and Jamie's scallops are the judges favorites, and it's Jamie for the win, so maybe Fabio was wrong. Maybe it is Top Scallops.

The bottom three are Carla with her scallop risotto and bug eyes, Eugene's family style fish and Melissa's ahi tuna tacos.

Carla explains that with her, as a chef, she's going for flavor but admittedly she missed the boat on flavor. Bad argument.

Eugene, meanwhile, took a chance by cooking a dish he's cooked before. He and Carla should get together after the season and set up a think tank.

Melissa gets eliminated on general principles because of her bangs.

Chefs to watch: Fabio, Ariane, Stefan, Jamie.

And Now This

This is really hard to read, so don't do it after you eat.

As is our mission here at the Newsletter, I'll condense the key parts of the story by ruthlessly cutting and pasting from the actual story.

Seems there is this woman, Megan Cheung, in New York - age 37 - who is the head of the NY Branch of the SEC. Guy comes to her in 2005 with a lengthy memo to the effect of "Bernard Madoof is a crook running a giant Ponzi scheme." She investigates and finds "no evidence of fraud."

"Cheung, branch chief in New York, actually investigated [Markopolos' claims] but with no result that I am aware of. In my conversations with her, I did not believe that she had the derivatives or mathematical background to understand the violation," Markopolos wrote.

Cheung said that when she read a critical New York Times piece on Sunday mentioning that e-mail, she was on a plane with her children, and that she burst into tears.

As for Markopolos' reference to her supposed lack of mathematical acumen, Cheung said, "Investigations are conducted by lawyers and examiners and investigators. We have experts available to help us."

Cheung and other SEC staffers had met Markopolos in New York in November 2005, after years of him suggesting to the agency that Madoff was an arch-crook. Markopolos once had worked at a rival firm, but Cheung told The Post, "I didn't have enough interactions with [Markopolos] to be able to judge his motivations."

Markopolos gave the investigators a long memo that flatly said that "Madoff Securities is the world's largest Ponzi scheme."

Three years later we learn that Madoff was, in fact, running a giant Ponzi scheme. And that Meghan Cheung is &*^%ing incompetent. Her response?

"Why are you taking a mid-level staff person and making me responsible for the failure of the American economy?" an upset Meaghan Cheung, with eyes tearing up, told The Post.

"I worked very hard for 10 years to make a career, and a reputation, and that has been destroyed in a month," said Cheung, who was the SEC's branch chief of the New York enforcement division during that unit's earlier probe of Madoff's brokerage business.

I don't blame her for the failure of the economy - no one does. Everyone makes mistakes. But this was, well, a HUGE *&^%ing MISTAKE. There had to be red flags everywhere. But she was clearly way too young and inexperienced to handle a job like this in the first place. Who the hell promoted her? I want some damn answers.

All of this is a big reason why I have absolutely no faith that increased regulation is going to make anything better. The whistleblower, Markopolos, apparently gave the SEC a roadmap THREE YEARS AGO, and from the sound of it, he was making waves even before that. I don't think the SEC could find fraud if it had the coordinates and a GPS.

In Which We Anxious Await Word on Amy's Big Date

No word yet.

We're not freaking ET.

What the Future Holds

It's common to look back at the past and identify ideas that were widely held 100 or 200 years ago that seem shocking or barbaric or ridiculous today. When this happens, we pat ourselves on the back for being so much more enlightened than our ancestors. But it seems unlikely that we've somehow reached the end of this process: I would guess that in 100 years, folks will look back at us just like we look back at people 100 years ago.

So here's the question: What are the ideas or practices that are uncontroversial and widely accepted today — and that you personally find unobjectionable — that you think might be seen as barbaric or immoral one hundred years from now?

To clarify, ideas or practices that you personally find barbaric or immoral today aren't eligible. You can't just predict that some day the world will realize you were right, and that your minority opinion will become majority opinion. Rather, the idea is to try to identify things that you actually don't find all that objectionable that you can imagine being seen as immoral or otherwise outrageous a century from now.

A few thoughts:

1. Teletubbies
2. Tax Season
3. McRib
4. Cubicles
5. Islam is a religion of peace
6. Al Gore/Global Warming
7. Real Housewives of Orange County
8. IRS
9. Nancy Pelosi
10. Billable Hours

Technically, I think that last one may already qualify as barbaric and inhumane.

This gets me to a point I’ve made before that’s worth making again: people in the future are pretentious *&^%$#@s. Where the @#$% do those effete pansies get off looking down on me? If I ever get my hands on a time machine I am coming after them. And what are those useless future sissies going to do other than cry about it? Nothing.

I’m your ancestor, bitches. You respect me.

The Poll Worked!

Worthington's "mustache"?

Just a bad memory now. The power of journalism.

Incredible.

I Am Not Making This Up

Adult Entertainment Industry Wants a Bailout

Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and “Hustler” magazine publisher Larry Flynt have said they will petition Congress for financial aid along the lines of what the Big Three auto makers are getting.

Francis said that he and Flynt are asking for $5 billion, and that they have sent letters to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Congress and their local Congressman, Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) with the proposal. Rep. Waxman's office did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

With the $5 billion, they would "invest in building new means of distribution, and shoring up our distribution right now to prevent further erosion from factors like Youporn and other Internet content that has seriously affected our business over the past few years," Francis said in an interview with FOX Business. "We will use the money wisely, and we will create more jobs."

Francis said that if invited, he and Flynt would drive across the country in a hybrid vehicle to present their plans to Congress.

Quotes from the Kick-Off Meeting-Part III

A fact is not what is.
A fact for any person is what he or she believes is so.

Uh, no. What a complete load of BS! This had to come from an lower right type, no?

Examples:

Kansas won the NCAA basketball tournament last year. That is a fact. Anyone who "believes" otherwise needs to get the hell out of the gene pool.

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

Men do not understand why women love candles so much.

These are all facts. Anyone who "believes" otherwise needs to get the hell out of the gene pool.

See this is what the oprahfication of America has led us to - everything is relative and thus we have a complete absence of objective truth. Don't get me wrong: there are plenty of things that are open to debate; there is a ton of gray in the world. But there is also some black & white. Unless we wake up to this fact pretty soon this country is in trouble.

Fortunately we have YouTube to fall back on.

Quotes from the Kick-Off Meeting-Part Deux

Everyone comes with certain gifts, but not the same gifts.

I think this is a reference to Aunt Bethany in Christmas Vacation when she brings a wrapped box with her cat in it for Clark Griswold.

That's a crappy gift.

I have an aunt (God Bless her heart!) who always used to give my brother and me these off-brand types of after shave.

When we were like 8.

For example, remember "English Leather" after shave? We got "Russian Leather." And this was during the Cold War.

The fragrant smell of beets and vodka is not what I was looking for in an after shave, especially since I didn't even shave.

Quotes from the Kick-Off Meeting

Some of those quotes on the wall (which were never explained) freked me out. Like this one:

We see people
As we are,
Not as they are

Sure.

Unless they are naked.

Like Sitting Next to a 2 Year Old

So I get stuck next to Melissa Miller in the back of the room at the "kick-off" meeting.

The. Girl. Never. Sits. Still.

At one point she actually turned to Amy Holley (who is on her big date tonight!) and said (and I am not making this up: "Are we there yet?"

Back By Popular Demand

With extra special Danny Pressley interpretive lyrics! Thanks Danny!

Signs Your Mind is Wandering

So I am sitting there listening to a discussion about the special tax break for individuals who haven't lived in their home for two years but sell it so they can join the peace corps (why, God, why....who comes up with this stuff?) and I glance over at this little piece of spaghetti on the floor, and all of a sudden [and I am not making this up] I SWEAR IT MOVED.

I was really impressed until Becca told me that before I sat down that same little piece of spaghetti was explaining the new AMT rules to her.

A Seinfeld Moment

So Kathy is getting us "fired up" for tax season and she says [re communication with clients] "....so then you can get away with....not that you want to get away with anything."

Ideogically Speaking

You know what is complete BS? We can’t say ‘actress’ anymore.

I was listening to the news this morning and they were talking about the "Oscar buzz." Then I did a double take when I heard the hostess refer to the "Best Supporting Female Actor" something like three times.

I know I am old, but doesn’t ‘actress’ MEAN an actor of the female gender? And isn’t ‘actress’ infinitely more elegant than ‘female actor’? Who starts this nonsense? Was it Oprah? It really, really pisses me off.

Gender is not a value judgment, it's a fact of life. There are men and women, boys and girls, AND THEY ARE NOT THE SAME! There is a term for people who do not understand this concept: IDIOT. That too is not a value judgment but a statement of fact.

This is one of many instances of the rampant stupidity that is ruining this country. When are we going to stand up and beat the crap out of those (figuratively) who are foisting this sort of retarded gibberish upon us?

What’s next? How about the skirt silhouette on the bathroom door? It’s not a judgment on preferred urinary posture. Its just information. The female pee-ers who encounter this very lucid icon are advised there’s a reasonable chance of finding some pee-free porcelain to sit on. Most women I know consider that vital information.

Moreover, if we’re going to carry every thing to its ideologically pure and correct extreme, why stop at just dropping ‘actress?’ What we should do is get rid of the Best Female Actor and Best Supporting Female Actor categories altogether. All you really need are the Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor since the very existence of gender specific categories is but a manifestation of the Plessy v. Ferguson "separate but equal" rule which is discriminatory, offensive and condescending to women.

We could shave a good twenty minutes off the Oscars.

Sorry, But This is Gross

Do The Math, or In Which I Explain Why the Last Post May Not have Made Sense

If you were born in 1982 then you will be 27 this year.

Cheers came on the air in 1982 and it went off the air in 1993. So the odds are you don't know who Diane Chambers is, let alone Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons.

Which means you won't understand a joke, told in a New Jersey accent, about the Falkland Islands, either.

Really Scary Stuff That Still Freaks Me Out

ABC used to have this "Movie of the Week" about 5 days a week because all of their regular shows sucked. These were the classic "made for TV" movies that they don't make anymore. Most of them kind of sucked, but some were pretty good.

Like, there's this one "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" with Jim Hutton and Kim Darby. This young couple moves into this house, see, and there are these freaky little men that live in the fireplace, which is sealed off, until William Demarest (who played Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons) opens it up. Really scary in parts. See for yourself.



Also, I find Tax Season pretty scary. Then again, I am willing to bet that these little scary dudes were programmers for F/X.

Couldn't Resist

I am pretty sure the little dog is Marley. Damn, he's cute. I hope he doesn't die at the end, though.

Besty says this is really "cute."

Tax Season Officially Kicks Off Today

You can feel the tension in the air.

Wait a minute....that's not tension!



That's Danny Pressley again!

Amy Holley's Mystery Date

Tomorrow night.

Seven o'clock.

On the same day as the big tax season kick-off event!

Tune in tomorrow for the sensational story.

If only Mary Hart was here.

This Caught My Eye

Okay, everyone reads the stupid Hollywood headlines on Yahoo from time to time. And those who say they don't are the same people who say they only watch PBS.

This one got my attention because Besty is a huge Will Smith fan. The AP is reporting today that Will Smith was 2008's most successful box office draw.

Fair enough. Will Smith is a very famous movie actor, and has been for some time. Lots of huge hit movies: Men in Black, Independence Day, I, Robot, Hitch.... the man is a big star. At first blush, then, it seems plausible that Will Smith could have been the most successful box office draw of 2008.

But....wait a second.....wasn't The Dark Knight one of the highest grossing films of all time? Why yes, I think it was.

Which was bigger, The Dark Knight or Hancock? I know, I know, you're thinking "Yes, but....you are forgetting about Seven Pounds."

No, I am not. Hardly anyone even knows there is a movie called Seven Pounds, and The Dark Knight made more money before it finished its second showing on opening night than Seven Pounds is going to make.

So I begin to read this article thinking something isn't quite right with this whole Will Smith is #1 in 2008 thing and what do I learn:

No name on the marquee was more pleasing to theater owners in 2008 than Will Smith, according to a survey of movie exhibitors. Smith, star of "Hancock" and "Seven Pounds," was voted the star who generated the most box office revenue for theaters in an annual survey by Quigley Publishing Co.

They voted who generated the most box office revenue? THEY VOTED? WTF?

There has to be a better system for determining who generated the most box office revenue in a single year than a vote. There must be some way......

No wonder the economy is in a bad place. I am pretty sure that's not how they measure success in the "real world." Then again, Hollywood is mostly Democrats. This explains a great deal.

The kicker to all of this? The TOP $%^&ing FOUR movie stars for 2008 were:

Will Smith, Dax Shepard, Skeet Ulrich, Tracy Ullman.

Dax Shepard?

Posted by Gabe at 3:00 PM in Awards

First, you need an iPhone

No. Seriously.

It's the #1 selling iPhone application. There is still hope, America.

Death to Nancy Pelosi

This bitch needs to die. Sorry. No delicate way to put it.

Yet Another Epiphany

Apparently Washington Mutual had some unorthodox mortgage-lending practices:

As a supervisor at a Washington Mutual mortgage processing center, John D. Parsons was accustomed to seeing baby sitters claiming salaries worthy of college presidents, and schoolteachers with incomes rivaling stockbrokers'. He rarely questioned them. A real estate frenzy was under way and WaMu, as his bank was known, was all about saying yes.

Yet even by WaMu's relaxed standards, one mortgage four years ago raised eyebrows. The borrower was claiming a six-figure income and an unusual profession: mariachi singer.

Parsons could not verify the singer's income, so he had him photographed in front of his home dressed in his mariachi outfit. The photo went into a WaMu file. Approved.

"I'd lie if I said every piece of documentation was properly signed and dated," said Parsons, speaking through wire-reinforced glass at a California prison near here, where he is serving 16 months for theft after his fourth arrest - all involving drugs.

While Parsons, whose incarceration is not related to his work for WaMu, oversaw a team screening mortgage applications, he was snorting methamphetamine daily, he said.

Washington Mutual, or Wa Mu - went belly up this year after a great 10 year run in which it was a very hot stock and big-time mortgage lender.

My wife and I have been wondering for years how people could afford some of these homes. More than once I can remember remarking [about the mortgage lenders willing to loan $800,000, interest only, to someone who made $100,000]: "What are they, on crack?"

I use that line a lot. People usually think I am joking.

Not this time, baby!

In Which I Start to Worry

So far I think Obama has done pretty well. Of course, he's not President yet, but I am hopeful he'll be a good President. This, however, does not inspire confidence:

Prez-Elect Makes New Pitch, Promises on Job Creation -- Including 600,000 New Government Employees

January 03, 2009 9:52 AM

In his radio address today, President-elect Obama uses some new language when discussing what he wants the stimulus package to achieve in terms of jobs. First off, he has a name for the package -- the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan."

Dude, you do understand we need to CUT government spending, right?

In Which I Explain Everything You Need to Know About Washington, D.C.

On June 18, 1912, Congress passed a law entitled "An Act to provide for the support and maintenance of bastards in the District of Columbia."

What else do you need to know?

A True Chia Pet Story

First of all, there isn't going to be a sappy, tug-at-your-heartstrings movie like Marley & Me made about chia pets.

Ever.

And that's just wrong.

Second of all....no, that covers it.

More Movie Recommendations

I finally make my way over to Cara and Brooke, who were having an important meeting about something. Cara, who is married to a Jim Halpert look-alike (sort of), blurts out:

Cara: I know which one you should see!
Me: What?
Cara: You know, that one with that guy from that TV show.
Me: Could you be a little more general?
Cara: You know....that other one. With that guy. He's SO funny!
Me:
Cara:
Brooke: I don't think your boys would've liked it anyway.

Movie Recommendations

So I ask all the Misfits for a movie recommendation for "FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT."

Kelly suggests The Godfather.

I think she took the word "family" a little too literally.

Random Vampire Thought

There have been a lot of portrayals of vampires in movies and popular fiction lately, but which vampire is the most powerful one?

I am going with the Count from Sesame Street.

He can’t be killed by either sunlight or a stake to the heart. Also, I’m pretty sure even a shotgun full of silver shot won’t even stop him (though I haven’t put this theory to test).

His only weakness is counting.

Close second to Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. Now that's a vampire.

De ja vu all over again (again)

Isn't this how we got into this mess?

Let me see if I've got this straight. Stupid lenders make really cheap loans available to people who cannot afford to pay back said loans, who, in turn, shocking fail to pay said loans, which leads to the United States Taxpayer bailing out the stupid lender by paying off the loan they made to the person who couldn't afford the loan in the first place.

Thus it follows that the day after it received $6 billion from the federal government (i.e., you and me), GMAC would begin to "aggressively trying to draw consumers" back into dealerships with low-rate financing.

My friend Tom has a new theory that I call the "let's start by whacking a few of these guys and see what happens." Makes sense to me.

Tom doesn't work for the mob, but if he did they would make a lot more money and movies about the mob would be a lot funnier.

Because Childish Humor is Often the Best

How 'bout them 'Dores?

Vanderbilt 16, Boston College 14.

Their last bowl game was my senior year and coincided with THE BEEF N' CHEDDAR INCIDENT OF 1983.

Their last bowl victory was in 1955.

Quite an accomplishment.

Cheers.

The Year of the Douchebag

You know what word may a comeback in 2008?

Douchebag.

I don't know when it died out or - or why - but I am pretty sure it had something to do with Balki from Perfect Strangers. Bronson Pinchot=douchebag.

I really hope it replaces random, which I never understood in the first place.

Must Read (Better Than Working)

Regular readers (both of you) know that I am a HUGE Dave Barry fan. If there is a better way to start the New Year than his annual "Year in Review"....well, I don't know what it could be.

It starts out with a few classics, like:

How weird a year was it? Here's how weird:

O.J. actually got convicted of something.

Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the good times.

On several occasions, "Saturday Night Live" was funny.

There were a few days there in October when you could not completely rule out the possibility that the next Treasury secretary would be Joe the Plumber.

Finally, and most weirdly, for the first time in history, the voters elected a president who -- despite the skeptics who said such a thing would never happen in the United States-- was neither a Bush nor a Clinton

Then it moves on to a monthly run down that is absolutely hysterical. You. Will. Wet. Your. Pants.

JANUARY . . .

which begins, as it does every four years, with presidential contenders swarming into Iowa and expressing sincerely feigned interest in corn. The Iowa caucuses produce two surprises:

On the Republican side, the winner is Mike Huckabee, folksy former governor of Arkansas, or possibly Oklahoma, who vows to remain in the race until he gets a commentator gig with Fox. His win deals a severe blow to Mitt Romney and his bid to become the first president of the android persuasion. Not competing in Iowa are Rudy Giuliani, whose strategy is to stay out of the race until he is mathematically eliminated, and John McCain, who entered the caucus date incorrectly into his 1996 Palm Pilot.

On the Democratic side, the surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas are because they are so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.

Obama's victory comes at the expense of former front-runner Hillary Clinton, who fails to ignite voter passion despite a rip-snorter of a stump speech in which she recites, without notes, all 17 points of her plan to streamline tuition-loan applications.

Now go read the whole thing. You can thank me later.

Please. No More Dick Clark.

Dude, I grew up watching American Bandstand. You were MTV before there was MTV.

Then you went and had a stroke. That may or may not have been God's way of punishing us (by making us watch Ryan Seacrest) for something, but I am pretty sure it was His way of saying it was time to give up on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve."

I mean, nobody says rockin' anymore.

Why would Sarah Palin kill Rudolph?

A few ideas:

* He wouldn’t stop humming “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”.

* She found out he was the real father of Bristol’s baby.

* He called her “Tina”.

* She does that to everyone who claims that Article I of the Constitution defines the role of the Vice President. Haven’t you noticed how twitchy Biden’s been since the debate?

* It wasn’t Palin. Cheney mistook Rudolph for a lawyer.

* We’ll never know the real reason, because it’s locked up in a vault in Hawaii next to Obama’s birth certificate.

* From a distance, that nose can easily be mistaken for a laser sight. Any sane jury would call that self-defense.

* Halloween, a moose costume, and someone who didn’t say “trick or treat” fast enough.

* Sarah’s just the patsy. It was really the guy on the grassy knoll.

* Palin hates political corruption, and Rudolph was Senate Candidate Number 5

* He was the one who told George Lucas “Star Wars Episode I really needs a goofy animated character like Jar-Jar Binks to act as the plucky comic relief”.

Best Christmas Card ( at least that I got)

The Twilight phenomenon

And if you're like me, you don't entirely understand the Twilight phenomenon.

In fact, you might not care about it at all. Here are a few reasons why:

1. You are an adult.

I think that's mostly it.