Because Bathroom Humor is Always Funny...Especially When It's British

iPAD

Yep.

Got an iPAD for Christmas.

Freaking awesome.

I wish that Apple ran the government. Then it would work.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

More Movie Trivia

Clint Eastwood, Warren Beatty, Robert Redford, Mel Gibson, Richard Attenborough and Kevin Costner are the only directors best known as actors who have won an Academy Award as Best Director.

Actors with One Hit Wonder Songs

So at lunch a week or so I ask the young kids I am eating with if they can name any actors who have had a hit song. Blank looks followed.

Kids today.

Anyway, this list contains many names that only those over 45 will know. It omits John Travolta "Let her In" & several from Grease), Shelley Fabares (Johnny Angel"), Clint Eastwood ("Bar Room Buddies"), Sondra Locke, John Belushi and Dan Akroyd (as the Blues Brothers), Robert Mitchum ("Thunder Road").

I took the liberty of omitting David Hasselhoff from this list on general principles.





Artist Andy Griffith Year 1955
Song Make Yourself Comfortable Chart 26

Artist Jerry Lewis Year 1956
Song Rock-A-Bye Your Baby With a Dixie Melody Chart 10


Artist The Tarriers (Alan Arkin) Year 1957
Song The Banana Boat Song Chart 24



Artist Anthony Perkins Year 1955
Song Moon-Light Swim Chart 26


Artist Jim Backus & Friends Year 1958
Song Delicious! Chart 40

Artist Sheb Wooley Year 1958
Song The Purple People Eater Chart 1


Artist Connie Stevens Year 1960
Song Sixteen Reasons Chart 3

Artist Bill Dana (as José Jiménez) Year 1961
Song The Astronaut Chart 19

Artist George Maharis Year 1962
Song Teach Me Tonight Chart 25

Artist Lorne Greene Year 1964
Song Ringo Chart 1

Artist Bill Cosby Year 1967
Song Little Ole Man (Uptight, Everything's Alright) Chart 4

Artist Richard Harris Year 1968
Song MacArthur Park Chart 2


Artist Ernie (from Sesame Street) Year 1970
Song Rubber Duckie Chart 16

Artist Benny Hill Year 1971
Song Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) Chart 1 UK

Artist Joey Heatherton Year 1972
Song Gone Chart 24

Artist Vicki Lawrence Year 1973
Song The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia Chart 1


Artist Telly Savalas Year 1975
Song If Chart 1 UK

Artist Keith Carradine Year 1976
Song I'm Easy Chart 17


Artist David Soul Year 1977
Song Don't Give Up On Us Chart 1

Artist Steve Martin & the Toot Uncommons Year 1978
Song King Tut Chart 17

Artist Cheryl Ladd Year 1978
Song Think It Over Chart 34

Artist David Naughton Year 1979
Song Makin' it Chart 5

Artist Kermit the Frog Year 1979
Song Rainbow Connection Chart 25


Artist Bernadette Peters Year 1980
Song Gee Whiz Chart 13

Artist John Schneider Year 1981
Song It's Now or Never Chart 14

Artist Bob & Doug McKenzie Year 1980
Song Take Off Chart 13

Artist Frank Stallone Year 1983
Song Far From Over Chart 10

Artist Jack Wagner Year 1984
Song All I Need Chart 2

Artist Tracey Ullman Year 1984
Song They Don't Know Chart 8

Artist Eddie Murphy Year 1985
Song Party All The Time Chart 2


Artist Don Johnson Year 1986
Song Heartbeat Chart 5

Artist Art of Noise featuring Max Headroom Year 1986
Song Paranoimia Chart 34

Artist Billy Crystal Year 1986
Song You Look Marvelous! Chart 58



Artist Bruce Willis Year 1987
Song Respect Yourself Chart 5



Artist Patrick Swayze Year 1988
Song She's Like The Wind Chart 3


Artist The Simpsons Year 1990
Song Do The Bartman Chart


Artist Jasmine Guy Year 1991
Song Just Want to Hold You Chart 34

Artist Joey Lawrence Year 1993
Song Nothin' My Love Can't Fix Chart 19

Artist Jamie Walters Year 1995
Song Hold On Chart 16


Artist Chef (from South Park) Year 1998
Song Chocolate Salty Balls (PS I Love You) Chart 1 UK

Artist Tatyana Ali Year 1998
Song Daydreamin' Chart 6

Comedians and the Oscars

Comedians, if you didn't know it, have the highest IQs of any profession. Amazingly, they tend to make better dramatic actors than dramatic actors. here is a list of comics who have won Oscars or Oscar nominations for dramatic roles.

Best Actor - 1949 - Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator (Nominated; lost to Jimmy Stewart, The Philadelphia Story)

Best Supporting Actor - 1957 - Red Buttons, Sayonara (Won)

Best Supporting Actor - 1975 - George Burns, The Sunshine Boys (Won)

Best Actor - 1977 - Woody Allen, Annie Hall (Nominated; lost to Richard Dreyfuss, The Goodbye Girl)

Best Actor - 1981 - Dudley Moore, Arthur (Nominated; lost to Henry Fonda, On Golden Pond)

Best Actress - 1985 - Whoopi Goldberg, The Color Purple (Nominated; lost to Geraldine Page, A Trip to the Bountiful)

Best Actor - 1987 - Robin Williams, Good Morning, Vietnam (Nominated; lost to Michael Douglas, Wall Street)

Best Supporting Actor - 1987 - Albert Brooks, Broadcast News (Nominated; lost to Sean Connery, The Untouchables)

Best Actor - 1989 - Robin Williams, Dead Poet's Society (Nominated; lost to Daniel Day-Lewis, My Left Foot)

Best Supporting Actor - 1989 - Dan Aykroyd, Driving Miss Daisy (Nominated; lost to Denzel Washington, Glory)

Best Supporting Actress - 1990 - Whoopi Goldberg, Ghost (Won)

Best Actor - 1991 - Robin Williams, The Fisher King (Nominated; lost to Anthony Hopkins, The Silence of the Lambs)

Best Supporting Actor - 1997 - Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting (Won)

Best Actor - 2003 - Bill Murray, Lost in Translation (Nominated; lost to Sean Penn, Mystic River)

Best Actor - 2004 - Jamie Foxx, Ray (Won)

Best Supporting Actor - 2004 - Jamie Foxx, Collateral (Nominated; lost to Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby)

Best Supporting Actor - 2006 - Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls (Nominated; lost to Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine)

Best Supporting Actress - 2009 - Mo'Nique, Precious (Won)

Amazingly, they omit Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson, Jim Carrey and Dan Akyroyd from this list.

Merry Christmas

Truly Entertaining

Inspirational Video

Not really. It's 3:51 of your life you'll never get back.

But for some strange reason it will make you start laughing. And you do have to admire the perseverance.

The Pressure Gets to Her

(h/t: Videogum)

Probably a Fashion No-No

(h/t: 15 Minute Lunch)

Humorous Nazi Allusion

There really are not a lot of humorous Nazi allusions, but believe it or not (and I know you will believe it because, after all, everything you read on this blog is true) there is a website called CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER.



With creativity like this there is no way we are going down to China.

Cool.

I Think They Are Using the Term "Projection" Incorrectly

An Ad That Leaves Me Speechless

Eyeliner. It Explains a lot about the 1980s.

Thought Provoking. Seriously.

At some point someone has to stand up and say, "No more vampire movies!"

There.

I said it.

So I'm A Soft Touch...at least I am not a Soccer Player!

July 9th from PR!MO on Vimeo.

My Dogs Would Never Stand for This

Best Places to Live in America

We are a nation of lists.

CNN Money just released their annual listing. Everyone wants to see their town listed, of course, but Tennessee did not fare well - only Franklin made the list, and they were well into the bottom 50.

Shockingly, Mount Pleasant, SC made the list at 100, which makes me seriously question the the list in its entirety, but then I love the SC coastal area near Charleston in general.

I've never lived in Minnesota or Iowa or Oklahoma, but they seemed to me to be disproportionately represented. Minnesota had 6 of the top 20 I believe. I don't like cold weather or mosquitos, so naturally I am biased against Minnesota and Iowa. But I suppose they are very nice places to live if you like the pasty white skin look. Oklahoma, like Minnesota and Iowa, is very flat. Which is nice for cycling. Also for tornadoes.

Connecticut had several towns make the list. I grew up there; there is much to like. Also much to hate. As one of the commenters observed about Hamden: "Grew up ther. It's a dump." That is a bit harsh, but overall not completely irrational.

In Which I See the World with Stunning Clarity

I believe there is more than one way to skin a cat.

I believe in freedom of expression.

I believe that Holmes was essentially correct when he said that freedom of speech was not about protecting the speech we like, but rather the speech we hate.

So I am fine with the following article on Nestle's entry into the Amazonian jungle market.

I have many things to do today and writing this post was not on my list. But as I was cleaning out my in-box, an especially disgusting news item caught my attention and writing about it is the only way I know to release my outrage. My version of screaming from the rooftop.

The offending article, on Bloomberg.com (Nestle to Sail Amazon Rivers to Reach Consumers) describes how the world’s largest food company will soon “begin sailing a supermarket barge down two Amazon river tributaries as it competes with Unilever to reach emerging-market customers cut off from branded goods.”

A supermarket barge? Has Big Food already run out of customers in cities and other locales that are more readily accessible by land? Cut off from branded goods? I don’t think these people are lost or have been camping out too long, they’re just living their lives. They probably don’t even realize they are missing out on Toll House, Raisinets, and Sno-Caps. But no matter, if there are people out there so backwards to still be subsisting on food found in nature, Big Food will find them, by land or by sea, and set them straight.

The boat, with more than 1,000 square feet of supermarket space, will journey to 18 cities, reaching 800,000 potential consumers in Brazil, and will even provide access for the disabled and elderly.

But how can these poor Bralizian residents even afford to purchase processed foods when they are probably struggling as it is? No worries, Nestle has that little problem all figured out too. According to the article:

Nestle sells 3,950 products in “popularly positioned” formats designed for low-income consumers. Smaller packs allow poor consumers to afford branded goods like richer shoppers rather than turn to generic alternatives. The Swiss company has a team of 7,000 saleswomen who peddle packs of Nestle goods door-to-door in Brazilian slums.

Translation: Because Nestle knows that poor people cannot afford the same super-sized packages commonly sold in the West, the company sells starter products to get poor customers hooked on their brands. The threat of “generic alternatives” looms large because, god forbid, these people figure out that juice is just juice and brand really makes no difference. The strategy of hooking poor people on smaller, cheaper goods is commonplace but was pioneered by the tobacco industry, which still sells single cigarettes in developing world. (The practice is banned in most other nations.)

And what, pray tell, will the floating supermarket carry? Surely, necessary food items for these hard-to-reach residents. Bloomberg.com notes, “The vessel will carry 300 different goods including chocolate, yogurt, ice cream and juices.” Yup, all the essentials. But wait maybe Nestle is taking care of the poor’s nutrition needs after all: “The company often adds nutrients such as iron, zinc, iodine and vitamin A to address deficiencies among the poor.” How heartwarming.

Nestle’s press release proudly announcing the vessel’s voyage adds:

The floating supermarket develops another trading channel which offers access to Nutrition, Health and Wellness to the remote communities in the north region of Brazil.

Who better to teach nutrition than the maker of Drumstick ice cream?

As I wrote about previously here, with Western nations becoming more and more saturated while regulatory pressures mount in the U.S. to curb unsavory marketing practices, Big Food has no choice but to step up the sales pace in the developing world. As the article explains:

Nestle had 2009 food and beverage sales growth in emerging markets of 8.5 percent, more than double the rate of its total business. The company has said it aims to boost the proportion of sales from developing countries to 45 percent in a decade from 35 percent now.

Just in case you missed that: Within ten years, the world’s largest food company will do almost half of its business in the developing world. That’s astounding by any measure of any industry.

And yes, Brazil is already showing signs of diet-related health problems. This article from Time magazine last year describes the concern over rising obesity rates found by Brazil’s own Health Ministry. While the numbers there are still small compared to here, as Nestle keeps reloading its ice cream barge to reach more “brand-deprived” poor people, it won’t take long before that gap narrows.

I don't know who Michele Simon is, but I I do know this - she is absolutely, completely, 100% wrong. And those who agree with her and the ideology which informs her comments (which regrettably informs a goodly portion of those who fall on the left side of the political spectrum) should never, ever, be in charge of anything. For all her noble ideas - and I believe she is quite idealistic and more than likely well-intentioned - it is people like her her make the world a much worse and poorer place than it need be. It is people like her who, through the law of unintended consequences, have indirectly sent millions of innocents to their deaths (albeit indirectly). It is people like her who sow the seeds that lead to the Josef Stalins of the world.

My good friend Vig would disagree with me on this point and assert than I am being too extreme in my judgment. I rarely dismiss his comments out of hand, but in this instance I believe I have history - and facts - on my side. And I believe that Miss Simon has nothing more than emotion and good intentions on hers. As such, Miss Simon is the paradigm example of the useful idiot.

Here's why:

In 1776 an Englishman named Adam Smith made the following observation:

Among the savage nations of hunters and fishers, every individual who is able to work, is more or less employed in useful labour, and endeavours to provide, as well as he can, the necessaries and conveniencies of life, for himself, or such of his family or tribe as are either too old, or too young, or too infirm to go a hunting and fishing. Such nations, however, are so miserably poor, that from mere want, they are frequently reduced, or, at least, think themselves reduced, to the necessity sometimes of directly destroying, and sometimes of abandoning their infants, their old people, and those afflicted with lingering diseases, to perish with hunger, or to be devoured by wild beasts. Among civilized and thriving nations, on the contrary, though a great number of people do not labour at all, many of whom consume the produce of ten times, frequently of a hundred times more labour than the greater part of those who work; yet the produce of the whole labour of the society is so great, that all are often abundantly supplied, and a workman, even of the lowest and poorest order, if he is frugal and industrious, may enjoy a greater share of the necessaries and conveniencies of life than it is possible for any savage to acquire.

The causes of this improvement, in the productive powers of labour, and the order, according to which its produce is naturally distributed among the different ranks and conditions of men in the society, make the subject of the First Book of this Inquiry.

Smith concluded that men, driven primarily by their own self-interest, would through some unknown force that he famously described as the "invisible hand" somehow allocate scarce resources in manner in which maximized the benefit for the whole of society. It is a simple yet impossibly complex phenomenon that has played out over and over again during the intervening centuries, and it has made the United States the richest nation on earth. By extension, the absence or suppression of the invisible hand has led to the downfall of communism and keeps a large portion of the planets inhabitants mired in poverty.

What Michele Simon sees as the purity and nobility of the simple life of the Amazonians (i.e., "people out there so backwards to still be subsisting on food found in nature") and the "unsavory marketing practices" of Nestle is nothing more than the invisible hand at work. And to that end, the people of the Amazon, and nestle, will both find themselves better off.

It really is that simple.

Will it be perfect? No. Will there be externalities and new problems created by this voluntary exchange that do not exist today? Of course.

But on balance, both parties will be better off. This is, thankfully, a fact of life.

And as for Ms. Simon? Well, I think I speak for all sentient beings when I say, simply, "Shut the fuck up you ignorant slut."

In Which I Finally Come to Understand Congress

Every Monday I spend some time to catch up on events of the Weekend, and usually make an effort to read at least one article that is philosophical or spiritual in nature (I define "spiritual" very broadly, as in it could be an article on scotch, bicycling, golf or beer).

Anyway, I came across this article, which I found absolutely fascinating and strongly recommend.

The underlying story behind the article was this: a 5'7", 270 lb. bank robber was dismayed when he was caught because he had rubbed lemon juice all over his face before the broad daylight robbery which was, of course, all caught on surveillance tape. Lemon juice, of course, is the key ingredient in "invisible ink;" he had convinced himself this made him invisible to cameras because after trying it he took a picture and he wasn't in it. Clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A Cornell psychologist who had come across this case history then asked a fateful question:

If [the robber] was too stupid to be a bank robber, perhaps he was also too stupid to know that he was too stupid to be a bank robber — that is, his stupidity protected him from an awareness of his own stupidity.

And with that knowledge you too can fully understand Congress and why its members say and do the things that they do.

Wow. Really Bad Parenting and a Complete Absence of Self-Awareness.

I generally believe that you can do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t hurt me or my family or cost me any money. I think that is a liberal and sensible viewpoint, and one that is shared by most Americans (though admittedly there would be a vocal minority of dissenters).

Then there is this:



It doesn't hurt me or my family and it doesn't cost me any money. So why do I care?

I probably shouldn't, but I do.

Not because of the kids, but because of the parents. Clearly they are too stupid to be allowed to reproduce. I demand that they be sterilized immediately on general principles.

Do they even know what "out of context" means?

What part of having your young daughter dress like a stripper is wrong don't they understand?

I am now openly advocating secession. I can no longer peacefully co-exist with so many idiots.

Obama Woods

I continue to find it interesting that Obama has played golf more in the first 16 months of his Presidency than Bush played in his entire 8 years in office, especially since it was, like, winter for at least 6 months in that time span.

It doesn't especially bother me that he plays a lot of golf.

It bothers me that the media excoriated Bush for playing golf in times of crisis, but there isn't a peep out of them for Obama doing the same thing. There was a major flood in Nashville. Perhaps he hasn't heard about it yet?

I also recall the hilarity that ensued when George Bush I discovered scanners in grocery stores (although he'd been Vice President and President for the intervening 12 years and probably didn't make a lot of trips to the supermarket during the period
when scanners were introduced. Over the weekend Obama claims he doesn't know how to work an iPod or an iPad.

Again, nary a word is said.

Obama is awfully thin skinned; the man has zero tolerance for criticism. Then again, I can't name a single fascist leader who was terribly open to criticism.

"You're coming of age in a 24/7 media environment that bombards us with all kinds of content and exposes us to all kinds of arguments, some of which don't always rank all that high on the truth meter," Obama said at Hampton University, Virginia.

He's right about that. I mean, Janet Napolitano told us, mere moments after the failed Times Square bombing, the the responsible party was probably an isolated nut job and not a terrorist, and NY Mayor Bloomberg told us it was probably some guy who hated Obamacare. That's just crazy talk!

Why, how many Americans were shocked to learn it was some Muslim named Faisal? Outside of the administration and the media, I'll bet the answer is zero.

The Nashville Flood

I went to school in Nashville, I have many friends and co-workers that live there and I cannot believe the pictures from the flood. Honestly, this looks a lot worse than Katrina, yet the media coverage is practically non-existent.

To paraphrase Kanye "Fishsticks" West: does this mean Obama hates white people?

A Moment of Clarity

I saw this picture and suddenly everything made sense:




Courtesy of FL Pundit.

Well Said

Here is a must read commentary from David Harsanyi of the Denver Post, and you really must read the whole thing. He's writing about the Times Square SUV bomb and the absolutely idiotic response of so many political and media types.

Anyone who acts surprised that it was yet another Islamic Jihadi is retarded!

People like to blame Islamic terrorists for blowing stuff up or trying to blow stuff up because, well, 99% of the time they are responsible. Duh! If a Muslim finds that offensive that's just too bad, and if you believe in political correctness you're a moron anyway.

Even as investigators were hunting for the perpetrator of the botched "man-caused disaster" in Times Square, our cool Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano was reassuring a frazzled nation that the failed bombing appeared to be an isolated incident — a "one-off" — and avoided the notion of (much less the word) "terrorism."

Thankfully, law enforcement agencies refrain from leaping to conclusions before they have all the facts. Not Janet. And citizens should not infer anything based on a litany of historical and anecdotal evidence, even after the fact, lest some group feel demonized.

Janet Napolitano is a moron. On her best day. She really isn't very bright, and I don't say that just because I dislike her and disagree with her. She doesn't know when to shut up, and she gives me a very bad feeling about the safety of the Nation. (FYI - I was and am opposed to the Patriot Act simply because government power grabs always end poorly.)

Mike Bloomberg? Dude, I thought you had a little sense.

"If I had to guess 25 cents, this would be exactly that," explained Mayor Michael Bloomberg — who has plenty of quarters to spare — during the investigation's early stages. "Homegrown, or maybe a mentally deranged person, or somebody with a political agenda that doesn't like the health care bill or something. It could be anything.

"

It could be anything, said the mayor of New York City. A mentally deranged person, perhaps? Maybe some crazy from the fundamentalist faction of around 56 percent of us who opposed health-care reform. After all, in the deep recesses of some imaginations, conservatives are not above murdering hundreds of tourists to make a point about Obamacare.

Great line, huh? Maybe some crazy from the fundamentalist faction of around 56 percent of us who opposed health-care reform. After all, in the deep recesses of some imaginations, conservatives are not above murdering hundreds of tourists to make a point about Obamacare. Now I have some liberal friends who will think that is extreme. Yet there were liberal talk show hosts and politicians who said exactly that. The thin-skinned Obama crowd is all about demonizing the opposition.

Or it could be something totally unanticipated! Like Faisal Shahzad, a 30-year-old naturalized American citizen from Pakistan, who was taken into custody at JFK Airport in New York as he attempted to escape to Dubai. A senior U.S. official said Shahzad already admitted to interrogators that he received (not very effective) bomb-making tips during his five-month trip to Pakistan. Reason dictates Shahzad wasn't upset about reconciliation.

It is also clear that Shahzad worked "alone" in the same way that Nidal Hasan or Najibullah Zazi or Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab or that bumpkin who threatened the South Park creators or the 9/11 terrorists or Umayyad and his armies worked alone.

Man, that's like Johnny Carson-quality humor. These jihadis don't work alone. They are vermin, yet we treat them as if they have rights. They don't - not under the law of war. I believe we have authority to summarily execute them, and while I have reservations about the death penalty in the context of our own judicial system, in this instance I have none.

Seriously, what is the downside? If we were wrong the world would have one less guy named Faisal. No sane person would have any issues with that.

If I had to guess 25 cents, I'd bet the administration makes no mention of fundamentalist Islam even when it reluctantly admits we're dealing with "terror."

Ouch! Could it be that Obama and his administration are really just a bunch of pussies? (I'd give Rahm Emanuel a pass on that one. I don't like him and I disagree with him on most everything, but I don't think he is a pussy.)

Yet, such an obvious admission is neither a condemnation nor endorsement of any brand of foreign policy. It is neither a condemnation nor endorsement of the idealistic notion that we can "eradicate terrorism" nor the naive idea that a charismatic president can plead for friendship enough times that jihadists worldwide will be lulled into submission and awe.

After all, the administration has never been scared to call out despots and extremists, such as insurance companies, Wall Street executives, Tea Party activists and the Israeli government. This is the Department of Homeland Security that issued a report alerting us to potential violence from "right- wing extremists" who are ginned up about "illegal immigration," "federal power," and the Second Amendment. (So at least half of you qualify.)

Ouch again.

Insurance companies, oil companies, pharmaceutical companies, Wall Street executives, Tea Party activists and the Israeli government? Evil.

An Islamic terrorist? Not so much.

To be perfectly blunt, we just have a bunch of folks in the media and in politics who need an ass-whupping. If they didn't get into fights as kids, well, they should have. It would have made them a little tougher, a little smarter.

Golf

A statistic I would not have believed:

Obama has played more rounds of golf (32) in his first 14 months than George W. Bush did in his two terms (24).

I don't have a problem with it, except to the extent that Bush (and I am no fan of W) was pilloried for allegedly golfing so much. See also, Michael "Lard Ass" Moore, Fahrenheit 9/11.

Bush was a big spender, but Obama makes him look like a piker. The hypocrisy grows richer by the hour.

SPLC STFU

I came across this tidbit early this morning and thought it was worth commenting on:

This excerpt is from the right leaning Washington Examiner's Byron York:

"Just this month, the Southern Poverty Law Center reported that it had tracked an explosion in extremist anti-government patriot groups fueled, in large part, by anger over the economy and Barack Obama's presidency," NBC's David Gregory said on "Meet the Press" in early April. "In this highly charged political atmosphere, where you've got so much passion, so much disagreement, this takes it, of course, to a different level."

How did this story line grow? Many of the claims that extremism is on the rise in America originate in research done by the Southern Poverty Law Center, an Alabama-based group that for nearly 40 years has tracked what it says is the growing threat of intolerance in the United States. These days the SPLC is issuing new warnings of new threats. But today's warnings sound an awful lot like those of the past.

In 1989, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of skinheads, saying, "Not since the height of Klan activity during the civil rights era has there been a white supremacist group so obsessed with violence. ..."

In 1992, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of other white supremacist groups, which it claimed had grown by 27 percent from the year before.

In 1995, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of right-wing militias.

In 1998, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of Internet-based hate groups, which according to one press account had "created the biggest surge in hate in America in years."

In 1999, the SPLC warned that the growing threat of Web-based hate groups was growing even more, with a 60 percent increase from the year before.

In 2002, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of post-Sept. 11 hate groups, which it said had grown 12 percent between 2000 and 2001.

In 2004, the SPLC warned (again) of the growing threat of skinhead groups, whose numbers it said had doubled in the previous year.

In 2008, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of hate groups overall, whose number it said increased 48 percent since 2000.

And in 2010, just a few weeks ago, the SPLC warned of the growing threat of "patriot" groups, which it said increased by 244 percent in 2009.

In the world of the Southern Poverty Law Center, the threat is always growing. Ronald Reagan's policies led to a growing threat. The first Gulf War led to a growing threat. The election of Bill Clinton led to a growing threat. The Internet led to a growing threat. Sept. 11 led to a growing threat. The war in Iraq led to a growing threat. Is it any wonder that Obama's presidency has, in the SPLC's estimation, led to a growing threat?

I bet if someone really looked into the SPLC proclamations they'd find out that the SPLC is completely full of it. What inference do I draw from that? Well, if I can confirm that this is story is accurate - and my hunch is that it is - then I will never again trust a single word on any topic that comes from the SPLC.

So, SPLC...STFU.

This is a disturbing trend - or maybe just a tendency - in American politics: we take what advocacy groups have to say as being, well, true. But very often, indeed, perhaps even the vast majority of the time, they JUST MAKE IT UP.

And we usually swallow it whole.

I am sure this happens on both the left and the right - it's in some sense just human nature at work - but I'd wager the left has at least a 4 to 1 edge because they have 4 times as many advocacy groups.

One other thought.

I got a right wingish email the other day. I don't usually care for these, even if they generally accurate, because they tend to foster left wing caricatures of the right. (Yes, Vig, I am referring to you.) Anyway, the email presented a couple of very simple thoughts that struck a chord in me.

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

And so on and so forth, mostly covering social or ideological issues. But you know I'd really be curious if anyone on the left has a rebuttal to those three claims because to my mind they are demonstrably true.

There is a term for that sort of thinking, too: totalitarianism. While no one on the left who advocated the ideas cited above would agree that they are totalitarians, 100 million dead last century proves that (1) they are in denial and (2) totalitarianism is a helluva bad idea.

I'm Back

Got a little hectic there for a couple of weeks, but another tax season is in the books.

Any way, I've been thinking a lot about my ever-evolving unified theory of life, and then I saw this and found it strangely apropos (see if you recognize the host):

And Then It Hit Me

Not everyone will get this reference, but after a particularly frustrating day with the government the proverbial light bulb went off over my head, and voila - I have developed a foolproof plan for dealing with the government in the future that guarantees that I will never again have to deal with such incompetence.

Are you ready?

Two words: DOUBLE TAP.

Thank you, Woody Harrelson!

Son of a Bee Sting!

I have a meeting with the government that THEY rescheduled for 1 pm today. It is now almost 2:30.

I am killing time making up new expletives.

I Am Not Making This Up (But I Wish I was)

This is Georgia Democratic Congressman Hank Johnson. Now occasionally I accuse those in Congress of being well, stupid, because, well, they kind of are.

But apparently Johnson has been reading this blog, because he has gone out of his way to make his fellow Congresspeople look, well, not quite as stupid.

The key bit starts at the 1:28 mark. You see, Rep. Johnson, who talks like he is on drugs, apparently believes that if we put too many Marines on the island of Guam it will tip over.

That's right: it will tip over and capsize. Because it is a small island.

Notice how the Admiral keeps his cool and calmly responds "We don't anticipate that happening."

Me? I would have gone John McEnroe on him.

"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! I BELIEVE YOU MIGHT BE BRAIN DEAD, CONGRESSMAN. I HOPE YOU ARE AN ORGAN DONOR. MY GOD MAN, YOU MAKE CARL SPACKLER LOOK LIKE EINSTEIN."



I think the Admiral should be relieved of his command for letting this slide.

The Dreaded Google AutoComplete Function

Every notice how Google tries to figure out your search as you type it in? Often it is helpful.

Sometimes not so much.

A Helpful Scorecard to Understand LOST

Tonight is a Sun and Jin episode. They have not seen each other since the end of Season 4!

Jin learned English while they were apart, but he learned it in the 1970s, so he'll probably say "Keep on truckin'" or "groovy."








And we know we have the following teams:

Team Jacob

Jack
Hurley
Sun
Ilana
Richard
Ben
Frank


Team Locke/Smoke Monster

Sawyer
Kate
Jin
Claire
Locke
Others

Team Widmore?

Zoe
Charles
other Others

Dead Guys

Dogen
Jacob
Lennon
Dead Others

And tonight we will learn something else.

Top 10 Signs you Are Obsessed with LOST

So I Was Headed to the WC

I never go by the front desk anymore.

I just knock on the glass and wave at Kimberly.

Just Wondering

Why do we call it a bathroom at work if there is no bath in there? And unless you have young boys, when someone says they have to go to the bathroom it's not to use the bath tub anyway.

Moreover, even when there is no bath tub, just a shower, no one ever calls it a Shower Room.

I am sure someone has riffed on this before, but the thought just popped into my head and it was bothering me.

I think it would be cool if we went Euro on this and started calling it the WC or the Loo.

Totally. Did. Not. See. That. Coming.

Ricky Martin has announced he's gay!

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But I mean, c'mon. Who knew?

Besides everybody.

Meanwhile, The First Accounting Tsunami from Health Care Reform

And so it begins:

In the past several days, several major corporations have announced substantial writedowns in response to the new health care law. These include Deere & Co. ($150 million), Caterpillar ($100 million), AK Steel Holding ($31 million), and 3M ($85–90 million). Yesterday, AT&T joined the list, announcing it would take a $1 billion charge against future earnings. A CreditSuisse analyst cited in both stories estimated the total first-quarter hit to S&P 500 firms will be $4.5 billion.

The writedowns are in response to the loss of a tax-free subsidy for providing prescription drug coverage to retirees. Several years ago, Congress decided it was better to induce corporations to provide prescription drug coverage for retirees than to have the costs paid by Medicare, so it enacted a tax-free subsidy, while still allowing companies to take a tax deduction for the coverage . Under the health care reforms Congress just enacted, however, the deduction will be eliminated in 2013.

Why are the companies announcing these changes? And why now if the tax change does not take effect until 2013? Because failure to do so could get the companies in trouble with the SEC. Under standard accounting rules, companies are supposed to take the charge in the quarter in which the tax law change is enacted, not when it takes effect. Because the first quarter ends Wednesday, more writedown announcements may be forthcoming.

Rep. Henry "The Pig Man" Waxman "has summoned some of the nation's top executives to Capitol Hill to defend their assessment that the new national health care reform law will cost their companies hundreds of millions of dollars in health insurance expenses. Waxman is also demanding that the executives give lawmakers internal company documents related to health care finances -- a move one committee Republican describes as "an attempt to intimidate and silence opponents of the Democrats' flawed health care reform legislation."

Waxman, a powerful Congressman who many describe as "a F*&^%$g idiot," is dismayed that so many corporations have responded so negatively to the new health care reform bill.

The new law is designed to expand coverage and bring down costs, so your assertions [that the bill will increase costs and will likely result in these companies terminating their employee health care plans]are a matter of concern.

Congressman "Extra Chromosome" Waxman is apparently wholly unfamiliar with a concept known as "math." In the interest of helping him understand, here is a handy example from the New Yorker:

Take a medium-sized firm that employs a hundred people earning $40,000 each—a private security firm based in Atlanta, say—and currently offers them health-care insurance worth $10,000 a year, of which the employees pay $2,500. This employer’s annual health-care costs are $750,000 (a hundred times $7,500). In the reformed system, the firm’s workers, if they didn’t have insurance, would be eligible for generous subsidies to buy private insurance. For example, a married forty-year-old security guard whose wife stayed home to raise two kids could enroll in a non-group plan for less than $1,400 a year, according to the Kaiser Health Reform Subsidy Calculator. (The subsidy from the government would be $8,058.)

In a situation like this, the firm has a strong financial incentive to junk its group coverage and dump its workers onto the taxpayer-subsidized plan. Under the new law, firms with more than fifty workers that don’t offer coverage would have to pay an annual fine of $2,000 for every worker they employ, excepting the first thirty. In this case, the security firm would incur a fine of $140,000 (seventy times two), but it would save $610,000 a year on health-care costs. If you owned this firm, what would you do? Unless you are unusually public spirited, you would take advantage of the free money that the government is giving out. Since your employees would see their own health-care contributions fall by more than $1,100 a year, or almost half, they would be unlikely to complain. And even if they did, you would be saving so much money you afford to buy their agreement with a pay raise of, say, $2,000 a year, and still come out well ahead.

Reached for comment, Congressman Waxman replied: "I was told there would be no math."

For those consumed with this issue (and I support health care reform in general, but not this piece of crap that cannot possibly work), here is what the celebrated CBO analysis tells us:

By 2019, it says, the bills passed by the House and Senate will have cut the number of uninsured Americans by thirty-two million, raised the percentage of people with some form of health-care coverage from eighty-three per cent to ninety-four per cent, and reduced the federal deficit by a cumulative $143 billion. If all of these predictions turn out to be accurate, ObamaCare will go down as one of the most successful and least costly government initiatives in history. At no net cost to the taxpayer, it will have filled a gaping hole in the social safety net and solved a problem that has frustrated policymakers for decades.

According to the C.B.O., between now and 2019 the net cost of insuring new enrollees in Medicaid and private insurance plans will be $788 billion, but other provisions in the legislation will generate revenues and cost savings of $933 billion. Subtract the first figure from the second and—voila!—you get $143 billion in deficit reduction.

Hurray!

That is totally AWESOME. Kuumbaya, everyone. Kuumbaya.

But wait a second! The bulk of the cost savings—more than $450 billion—comes from cuts in Medicare payments to doctors and other health-care providers. Will these really happen?

Survey says: AARP!

Then there is the whole David Copperfield "accounting gimmickry." These are the accounting practices that are not generally accepted.

The C.B.O. counts as revenues more than $50 million in Social Security taxes and $70 billion in payments towards a new home-care program, which will eventually prove very costly, and it doesn’t count some $50 billion in discretionary spending. After excluding these pieces of trickery and the questionable Medicare cuts, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, a former head of the C.B.O., has calculated that the reform will actually raise the deficit by $562 billion in the first ten years. “The budget office is required to take written legislation at face value and not second-guess the plausibility of what it is handed,” he wrote in the Times. “So fantasy in, fantasy out.”

So you see, sports fans, all of this is leading us nowhere and is more likely than not going to make things much, much worse.

Which is kind of too bad, because there really was a simple solution.

Previously, on 24

Oh no! Jack Bauer has been cancelled.

Damn that Obama! I knew he was soft on terrorism!

Oh, Chloe! How can we survive without you?

Season finale, May 24. I hear that Bauer is going to put in half day and then go see a Cubs game.

I am Not Making This Up

Yes, new "Bee Sniffing Technology"!

As far back as 1999, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) Controlled Biological Systems Program funded a bee-training program to detect buried landmines, so that many thousands of acres of the world’s land could be productively farmed without encountering landmines the ugly way.

A bee’s natural instinct is to extend its proboscis when it encounters a desirable odor, anticipating the taste of a flower, let’s say. But the bees used in the 1999 DARPA experiment were trained, via classical Pavlovian conditioning, to respond to the odor of TNT instead. Their reward when they responded with a Proboscis Extension Reflex (PER), was a taste of sweet syrup. Then, trainers attached small diodes onto the backs of TNT-trained bees and used handheld radar tracking devices to chart where the bees went.

In 2010, bee training in the fields of defense and security, medicine, food, and building industries is big business. Bee training is essentially the same as it was in 1999, but the results are attained with more sophisticated and less expensive technology.

Less surly than the TSA, yet they might actually accomplish something.

Inconceivable.

If Government Mandated Equality

Special shoes make everyone exactly the same height!

I don't think this is ridiculous at all, which is why I am such a big supporter of health care reform.

Stress Relief/Anger Management

My friend Blake, a true Renaisance Man if ever there was one, writes:

Just in case you are having a rough day - and I know you work a lot of hours this time of year - here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily.

It really does work, so give it a try.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air, and you feel the warmth of the sun throughout your body.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity..

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work!

You're smiling already, aren't you?

Thanks Blake!

Shut the...you know the rest

Okay, so Obama made some recess appointments over the weekend.

Big deal. Every President makes recess appointments. It's his administration. Let him have his own people. If they are total screw ups or card carrying commies that will get out (see also, Anita Dunn, Van Jones).

To listen to the Republicans you'd think zombies are attacking. Come to think of it, I kind of wish they would attack Washington. But I digress.

Note to Republicans: Don't be such cry babys! Nobody likes a cry baby. Or a hypocrite.

Note to Democrats: Just shut up. You are a bunch of hypocrites, too.

Note to my left of center friend Tammy: Sure glad there is no media bias!

Here is the NY Times in 2006:

It is disturbing that President Bush has exhibited a grandiose vision of executive power that leaves little room for public debate, the concerns of the minority party or the supervisory powers of the courts. But it is just plain baffling to watch him take the same regal attitude toward a Congress in which his party holds solid majorities in both houses.

Seizing the opportunity presented by the Congressional holiday break, Mr. Bush announced 17 recess appointments -- a constitutional gimmick that allows a president to appoint someone when Congress is in recess to a job that normally requires Senate approval. The appointee serves until the next round of Congressional elections.

This end run around Senate confirmation was built into the Constitution to allow the president to quickly fill vacancies that came up when lawmakers were out of town, to keep the government running smoothly in times when travelers and mail moved by horseback and Congress met part time.

Modern presidents have employed this power to place nominees who ran into political trouble in the Senate. Presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton made scores of recess appointments. But both of them faced a Congress controlled by the opposition party, while the Senate has been under Republican control for Mr. Bush's entire five years in office.

In some cases, Mr. Bush has used the recess appointment power to rescue egregiously bad selections that would never pass muster on grounds of experience and competence. (Remember last year's recess appointment of the undiplomatic and Congressionally unacceptable John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations.) In other cases, he has merely sought to avoid logjams that the White House created for itself by refusing to accommodate reasonable Democratic requests for information, documents and consultation.

Here is the NY Times editorial on the same subject today:


Oh wait! There is no editorial today, because the NY Times says that recess appointments are bad only when Republicans do it. Come to think of it, they think that everything Republicans do is bad (and a lot of it is). If Democrats do the exact same thing, well, that's just good government at work. Ends justify means.

Ditto CBS, ABC, NBC, PBS, CNN and MSNBC. Fox is the same, just in reverse.

I don't care that the media is biased. What I care about is that they pretend that they aren't. Everyone has their biases! Duh!

And the most biased people are those who say they aren't biased.

And yeah, I am still pissed about Kansas State, Baylor and Kentucky losing this weekend.

Weather Forecast

As a public service I am now offering my own weather forecast.

Today
Sucks
Rain/Thunder Wind
Damp
Cold
Chance of Rain 1000%

Monday
Really Sucks
Showers
Damp
Cool
Son of a Bee Sting I am sick of cold damp days.
Also sick of Al Gore.

Tuesday
Semi Sucks - I need some damn warm weather!
Partly Cloudy
At least LOST is on
Still Too Chilly
Curse you, Al Gore!
At least there is a Mart waiting for me at the end of the day.

Wednesday
Not Totally Sucky
Partly Cloudy
mid to upper 60s - AT LEAST IT BETTER BE!

Thursday
Dude!
Partly Cloudy
But almost 70
Officially G&T Season

Friday
Mostly Awesome with a 100% chance of a Cold Beer
High 76°F
Low 49°F
Precip 10 %

Saturday
Partly Awesome
Newcastle $7.99 at World Market, Baby.
High 79°F
Low 53°F
Precip 20 %

Sunday
Cloudy, but at least it's warm
Betsy's family coming for dinner
I’ll be at work anyway
High 74°F
Low 50°F
Precip 10 %

Monday
Sunny, but in an Andy Bernard sort of way
High 67°F
Low 50°F
Precip 0 %

Tuesday
Most Excellent!
Scwinnnnggg.
Plus LOST!
Martini? Oh, I think so.
Sunny
High 69°F
Low 50°F
Precip 0 %

High Stakes Bracket Cliffhanger

The movie Cliffhanger is one of my guilty pleasures. Great action scenes coupled with some really bad acting and a Wisconsin cheesy plot - plus an angsty Sylvester Stallone - it really doesn't get much better. (Okay, Point Break is close.)

Anyway, the last scene features arch-villain John Lithgow (who my wife and I ran into at the Algonquin Hotel bar several years ago, and he's really tall, like 6'4"), who has been taunted the whole movie by the shirtless Sylvester Stallone high in the Rockies at 50 below zero trying to recover the $80 million dollars he hijacked.



Although he is an arch super villain wanted by Interpol for doing countless dastardly deeds, Lithgow's character, Eric Qualen, keeps falling for these really stupid ploys by Stallone's character, Gabe Walker. And although Qualen's gang has countless automatic weapons they can't shoot as well as Kentucky, and after last night we all know Kentucky can't shoot either. Bastards.

At the end he gets really frustrated and screams out, "DAMN YOU WALKER!" in a silly British accent. Then he plummets to his death.

Where am I going with this?

DAMN YOU, TOOD BEALER! (My bracket plummets to its death.)

Like Eric Qualen, I won't get the money either.

How to Solve a Major Problem The Easy Way

I don't hate government (contrary to popular opinion).

Government is a necessary evil that is capable of doing many good things. But we should never confuse the desire to do something good with actually doing something good.

Government is very limited in its ability to get things done. It has an inherent tendency to do things inefficiently and at a far higher cost than the private sector for a very simple reason - its motivation is not to make a profit. There is very little - perhaps nothing - that anyone can do to change this. It's Adam Smith 101.

Not everyone agrees with this analysis. No matter how passionate or well intentioned such people may be, they are, of course, just wrong. It's one of those issues we like to debate, but unfortunately there isn't anything to debate. It's a waste of oxygen, much like Joe Biden. The whole of human history proves that this is the way of the world, wholly inseparable from the human nature.

You cannot change human nature, as LOST teaches us.

Every so I often you come across an article like this one in the Wall Street Journal. (From Instapundit.)

It turns out there really is growing inequality in America. It’s the 45% premium in pay and benefits that government workers receive over the poor saps who create wealth in the private economy. And the gap is growing. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), from 1998 to 2008 public employee compensation grew by 28.6%, compared with 19.3% for private workers. In the recession year of 2009, with almost no inflation and record budget deficits, more than half the states awarded pay raises to their employees. Even as deficits in state capitals widen and are forcing cuts in services, few politicians are willing to eliminate these pay inequities.

What if government workers earned the average of what private workers earn? States and localities would save $339 billion a year from their more than $2.1 trillion budgets. These savings are larger than the combined estimated deficits for 2010 and 2011 of every state in America. In a separate survey, the federal Bureau of Economic Analysis compares the compensation of public versus private workers in each of the 50 states. Perhaps not coincidentally, the pay gap is widest in states that have the biggest budget deficits, such as New Jersey, Nevada and Hawaii. Of the 40 states that have a budget deficit so far this year, 28 would have a balanced budget were it not for the windfall to government workers.”

Every non-government employee - and there are far more of us than there are government employees - should be seething when they read this. The solution is very simple. Painfully simple.

REDUCE THE SALARY AND BENEFITS OF EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE BY 45%. Cut by 10% a year every year for four years.

Then one day in the very near future every single citizen in every single state would wake up and say "Deficit? What deficit?"

Can it really be that simple?

Why yes, it is.

This is why no one in government could ever possibly figure it out.

Glad to get that off my chest.

Re The Front Desk

I think management issued a "fatwah" against those who walk within 3 meters of the reception desk during the hours of 8-5, M-F.

This is SERIOUS.

Dr. Phil: DB

Next we'll learn that Nancy Pelosi is like, a really bad person and not the sweet, obsessed with plastic surgery megalomaniac we have all come to know and love.

LOS ANGELES (March 24) — A shoplifting case that began with a televised confession on the “Dr. Phil” show led a San Diego judge Monday to condemn TV personality Phil McGraw as “a terrible, terrible man” and “a charlatan.”

District Court Judge Irma Gonzalez unloaded on Dr. Phil as she sentenced a couple to prison for running a $100,000 shoplifting ring in which they used their three young children as decoys, and sold the stolen merchandise through Web sites. The couple discussed their exploits on a “Dr. Phil” episode, “Shoplifting Confessions,” in November 2008.

The Eatons went on the TV show to get help ending their compulsion to shoplift, but show officials pressed them to exaggerate their exploits, their lawyer told the court, according to the San Diego Union-Tribune. The couple brought along a home video of one of their trips, using the children to distract store clerks, and seemed more interested in bragging than in getting help giving up their livelihood, according to earlier reports.

“What a charlatan this man is,” the judge was quoted as saying during the sentencing. “What a terrible, terrible man.”

And They'll Manage Health care with the Same Competence & Efficiency

Fake Products and Companies Certified by Energy Star

The Government Accountability Office Punk'd Energy Star recently by submitting fake products and companies for certification. The Environmental Protection Agency's arbiters of efficiency standards rubber-stamped 15 out of 20 bogus products and a handful of fake firms became Energy Star Partners. Here are three of our favorite fabrications.


1. Tropical Thunder Appliances
To perform this investigation, the Government Accountability Office's (GAO) March 26, 2010, report states that it "used four bogus manufacturing firms and fictitious individuals to apply for Energy Star partnership." All four qualified. In fact, two of the fake firms received requests for real companies to buy their Energy Star–certified products—none of which exist.

Dummy websites emblazoned with Energy Star Partnerships remain online for each of the four front companies—Cool Rapport (HVAC equipment), Futurizon Solar Innovations (lighting), Spartan Digital Electronics, and Tropical Thunder Appliances.

2. The Feather-Duster Fly-Strip Air Freshener

Ostensibly an indoor air purifier, this item is actually a standard space heater spangled in strips of flypaper, with a feather duster perched up top.

The product was submitted without a standard safety file number from the Underwriters' Laboratories. Plus, the product's website did not include a disclaimer required for Energy Star certification. Last but not least, the garish photo submitted with the product's application portrays what is clearly a feather duster rigged to space heater. Nevertheless, these obstacles proved surmountable—the product was approved in 11 days and became listed on the Energy Star website.

Other great moments in rapid confirmation occurred for submissions of a nonexistent water cooler (approved in four days), a make-believe commercial HVAC unit (approved in one week), a bogus boiler qualified within one business day of submission and a dishwasher that also made the cut in a single day. But the record-setting Usain Bolt of fake Energy Star products has to be an imaginary computer monitor—the EPA requested expedited info so the machine could make a deadline for a Qualified Products list designed to guide shoppers during the 2009 holiday season. The GAO rapidly fired off some falsified test data, and the made-up monitor was approved and online within 30 minutes of submission.

3. The Gasoline-Powered Alarm Clock
On the application for Energy Star certification, this product's description stated that "the item is the size of a small generator and is powered by gasoline." The GAO never devised an image of this piece of nonexistent indoor power equipment, which would presumably make enough noise to temporarily wake consumers before carbon monoxide fumes sent them back to sleep for good. The dimensions are listed as 18 inches tall, 15 inches wide and 10 inches in depth. "Gas-powered clock radio is sleek, durable, easy on your electric bill, and surprisingly quiet," the product's marketing description states.

Approved!

The notion of being easy on the electric bill appears in the description of fake (approved) items that were less patently absurd than this one. The EPA didn't bat an eye at a geothermal heat pump that claimed to be fully 20 percent more efficient than qualified products at the top of the category. This gets to the heart of a prior critique of Energy Star—that manufacturers submit their own efficiency data, which isn't subject to independent verification. In the instance of a bogus dehumidifier granted certification (an appliance also billed as 20 percent more efficient than the category leader), the EPA did request an e-mail confirmation on the bogus test data. To get the Energy Star stamp, the GAO spies simply had to stick to the story.

Stories like this just make you feel good about our government, don't they?

Now, let us all join hands for a rousing rendition of "Kuumbaya".

Et Tu, Bealer?

It comes down to this: If Kentucky wins the title then all is right with the world, health care reform notwithstanding. John Calipari, you cheating bastard, you're okay by me!

Some people (me) have Kansas, Kansas State, Baylor and Kentucky in the Final Four. Other people (Bealer) have Kansas, Kansas State, Duke and West Virginia.

And then there is Jessica "Fly in the Ointment" Hodges, who has Kentucky, Duke, Syracuse and Kansas. She's a long shot, but she's also established herself as a tough out.

And finally, Adam "I've Been Winning Since Day One and I am Not Going to Grab Defeat From the Jaws of Victory" Tinker, who has Kansas, Kansas State, Duke and West Virginia. I have included Adam simply to illustrate that he cannot win this bracket under any circumstances.

If Kentucky beats West Virginia, Baylor beats Duke and K State beats Butler then the score will be:

Bealer 64
Hodges 57
Erickson 68
Tinker 59

I refer to this as the "best case scenario" or "as it should be." Beverly, I'll collect my money now. I don't have to understand LOST now. I can afford one of those "Life is good" t-shirts and wear it proudly.

If West Virginia beats Kentucky, Duke beats Baylor and K State beats Butler then the score will be:

Bealer 72
Hodges 61
Erickson 60
Tinker 67

I refer to this as the "worst case scenario" or "son of a bee sting." Darn you, Todd Bealer!

But wait, there's more!

If Kentucky beats West Virginia, Duke beats Baylor and K State beats Butler then the score will be:

Bealer 68
Hodges 65
Erickson 64
Tinker 63

I refer to this as the "too close for comfort" or "it still will work out for the best if Kentucky beats Duke in the Final Four."

If West Virginia beats Kentucky, Baylor beats Duke and K State beats Butler then the score will be:

Bealer 68
Hodges 56
Erickson 64
Tinker 63

I refer to this as the "can't suck enough" or "I haven't felt this sick since Pelosi became Speaker." Darn you, Todd Bealer! Again!

If Kentucky beats West Virginia, Duke beats Baylor and Butler beats K State then the score will be:

Bealer 64
Hodges 65
Erickson 64
Tinker 59

I refer to this as the "I hate combinations and permutations" or "it still will work out for the best if Kentucky beats Duke in the Final Four."

King Tightens Grip on Last; Tinker Continues to Lead

Able to Read Division

Rank Team Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Adam Tinker 552 39 599 43 Kansas (143)
2 Sandy Richards 541 39 576 42 Kansas (162)
3 Leigh Anne Joseph 534 38 568 41 Kansas (128)
4 Connie Leggett 522 38 581 42 Kentucky (159)
5 Andrew Pitts 521 37 580 41 Kentucky (157)
6 Jessica Cooper 520 38 553 41 Kansas (152)
7 Christie Knapper 513 37 561 40 Kentucky (117)
7 Mark Childress 513 36 572 40 Kentucky (145)
9 Whitney Mcgowan 504 37 539 40 Kansas (151)
10 david young 500 37 533 40 Syracuse (165)
11 Edgar Gray 497 36 534 39 Kansas (142)
12 Will Akers 494 36 518 38 Kansas (139)
13 Buddy Hamilton 487 36 547 40 Kentucky (137)
13 greg erickson 487 36 520 39 Kansas (139)
15 Andrew Hartung 485 35 547 39 West Virginia (126)
16 Kelly Fitzpatrick 482 36 530 39 Kentucky (134)
16 Edward Cullen 482 36 530 39 Bella (<3)
17 Amy Holley 477 33 525 36 Kentucky (133)
18 Matthew McGowan 475 34 510 37 Kansas (147)
19 Hallie Richards 474 35 507 38 Kansas (132)
19 John Bailes 474 34 545 39 Kentucky (160)
21 Ben Alexander 471 35 495 37 Kansas (148)
22 Kristen Hicks 467 33 527 37 Kentucky (143)
22 Todd Bealer 467 35 503 38 Kansas (133)
24 Danny Pressley 466 33 525 37 Duke (137)
25 Robert Freeman 457 34 479 36 Kansas (147)
26 Allison Pressley 454 33 478 35 Kansas (160)
26 David Reynolds 454 33 513 37 Duke (141)
28 Bill Kelso 448 32 485 35 Kansas (130)
29 Jeff Hodge 435 33 483 36 Kentucky (158)
30 Clay Irby 434 31 469 34 Kansas (145)
31 Sam Erickson 433 32 467 35 Kansas (155)
32 David Babb 420 32 455 35 Kansas (150)
33 Jim McCollum 412 31 445 34 Kansas (132)
34 Eric Bailes 408 26 467 30 Kentucky (159)
35 Phyllis Hodge 407 31 440 34 Kansas (183)
36 Debbie Jones 398 31 445 35 Kansas (160)
37 Mark King 392 30 451 34 Duke (143)

Rain Man Division

Rank Team Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Sandy Richards 541 39 576 42 Kansas (162)
2 Bill Kelso 473 34 508 37 Kansas (130)
3 Melissa Miller (2) 454 34 503 38 Syracuse (142)
4 Melissa Miller (1) 439 32 498 36 Kentucky (171)
5 Clay Irby 434 31 469 34 Kansas (145)
6 Steve Richards 422 32 455 35 Kansas (150)
7 Sam Pressley 395 30 429 33 Kansas (155)

Can't Follow Instructions But At Least Our Brackets Are Decent Division

Rank Team Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Andrew Childress 512 36 545 39 Kansas (138)
2 Bill Kelso 509 37 546 40 Kansas (130)
3 Sandy Richards 482 36 517 39 Kansas (162)
4 Glenn Sharp 477 35 510 38 Kansas (143)
5 LESLEY DAVIS 429 33 488 37 Kentucky (2)

Jim McCollum High Stakes Division
SPONSORED BY BEVERLY MACK


Rank Team Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Todd Bealer 60 38 77 42 Kansas (133)
2 Jessica Hodges 57 38 70 41 Kansas (152)
3 greg erickson 56 37 79 42 Kentucky (161)
4 Adam Tinker 55 36 72 40 Kansas (145)
4 Paul Burris 55 35 68 38 Kansas (131)
4 Sandy Richards 55 36 68 39 Kansas (162)
7 Robby Vincill 54 37 62 39 Kansas (150)
8 Bette Brady 53 37 68 40 Kentucky (168)
9 Allison Pressley 52 36 65 39 Kansas (159)
9 Jeff Potter 52 36 69 40 Kansas (164)
11 David Belcher 51 35 64 38 Kansas (133)
11 DavidLaura Belcher 51 35 64 38 Syracuse (136)
11 Leigh Anne Joseph 51 35 64 38 Kansas (132)
14 gabe beck 50 34 63 37 Kansas (155)
14 Jim McCollum 50 33 63 36 Kansas (136)
16 david young 49 35 62 38 Kansas (155)
16 jason brady 49 35 64 38 Kentucky (138)
16 Laura Belcher 49 33 68 37 Kentucky (156)
16 Rachel McCollum 49 32 62 35 Kansas (144)
20 Danny Pressley 47 32 66 36 Kentucky (137)
20 Jeremy Shoop 47 33 60 36 Kansas (133)
20 larry brady 47 33 56 35 Kansas (180)
20 Tom Welch 47 33 60 36 Kansas (163)
24 David Babb 46 30 65 34 Kentucky (150)
24 Pat O'Connor 46 32 55 34 Kansas (145)
24 Steve Richards 46 33 61 36 Kentucky (155)
24 Tom Joseph 46 33 59 36 Syracuse (145)
28 Kristen Hicks 44 32 63 36 Kentucky (144)
28 Sam Pressley 44 31 57 34 Kansas (155)
30 Andrew Pitts 43 32 58 35 Kentucky (157)
31 Bill Kelso 38 27 47 29 Kansas (130)
31 Tom Joseph 38 26 47 28 Syracuse (146)

Can This Possibly Be True?

Travel has certainly changed since the 1960s.

Sometimes on Mad Men I think they're exaggerating when theey have a three martini lunch or grab a glass of bourbon before, during and after a big client meeting.

Then I see something like this. As Vizzini said in The Princess Bride: Inconceivable!

No wonder we won World War II.

Just as Awesome 45 Years Later

Shaken, not stirred.

Very dry. Sub-Saharan desert dry.

With a twist.

Lime if possible.

Two words: YUMMY!

I Am Not Making This Up!

The most awesome shoes ever!

Cooler than Edward Cullen (if that's possible).

The only word that comes to mind when I see these shoes is CLOSET, and I don't mean where these would be stored.

The Brutal Honesty of the 1960s

Advertising has changed a lot since then, but I am not sure that's a good thing.

Because Nothing Says Cool Like a Plaid Vest and a Blender

Hmmm...

A painting from Charles Widmore's office.

Someone's Mom and Dad Were Mean! Or Very Funny.

Not making this up, either.

Would you believe there is actually an actor named "Ben Dova"?

Well there is!

For Loyal Reader Clay "Irby Cowboy" Irby

Previously, on 24:

Last week CTU headquarters was blown up by a bomb hidden in a car driven by Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's daughter Kayla, who was guided straight from the terrorist hideout to the CTU entrance tunnel by the crack CTU team. That's right: The agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorism, through its own cluelessness, managed to get itself incapacitated by a terrorist bomb.

So now, with CTU even more dysfunctional than usual, there is nobody to stop the terrorists from bringing the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan except our boy Jack Bauer, who has fully recovered from being stabbed in the stomach by his girlfriend Renee three hours ago and is now, we hope, going to swing into action, by which we mean something more than shouting into the phone.

Speaking of the terrorists: Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is apparently still one of them, since he set Kayla up to be disintegrated, although she managed to get out of the car just in time, so maybe they will still have Feelings for each other.

In subplot action:

Bill Prady, the world's most diligent parole officer, is hanging around asking Dana pesky questions about her ex-boyfriend Kevin. We have no idea where this subplot is going, but it refuses to go away, so we're starting to wonder if maybe Agent Walsh is a mole, seeing as how CTU is required by law to always have one on the payroll.

Edgar is still dead.

UPDATE: The terrorists set off a Dramatically Sparking Wires Bomb.

UPDATE: "Agent Skaggs?"

UPDATE: Phil can shut down all bridge and tunnel traffic into the city. Phil has that power.

UPDATE: Those terrorists are some BAD shots.

UPDATE: I love when they tell where the bad guys are using the o'clock system.

UPDATE: That guy is SO clearly fake that only a moron, or Hastings, would believe him.

UPDATE: Unless I am wrong.

UPDATE: This here is some really bad acting.

UPDATE: Check out Jack's tasteful bachelor apartment!

UPDATE: YES! CHLOE!

UPDATE: The lesson: Never get between a woman and her trunk line.

UPDATE: Meanwhile, Jack and the terrorists are setting a world record for Most Missed Shots.

UPDATE: It's a good thing everybody thought to bring along 67 million bullets.

UPDATE: Chloe has taken precautions.

UPDATE: Hastings does not appear surprised that a probation officer from Arkansas would appear at CTU headquarters at 5 a.m. during a terrorist attack.

UPDATE: Jack is hit! But it's only a bullet wound. He will be fine. This is the shootingest episode EVER. But it does lead one to ask how come Renee could find Jack in, what, 11 minutes, while CTU had to wait for Chloe to get into the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is definitely not following normal agent procedures.

UPDATE: Well knock us down with a feather. Agent Walsh IS a mole.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack is fine!

Dave Barry is awesome!

Health Care Headline of the Week

Witch doctor' fed blind motorcyclist LSD-laced gherkins
A ‘witch doctor’ has been jailed for eight months after claiming he could cure a blind man – by feeding him gherkins laced with LSD.

Jobless hairdresser Patrick Baecker, 35, posed as a mystic healer and told Axel Pfeffer he would make him see for £20,000.

The court in Fehmarn, Germany, heard how the former motorcyclist had tried everything to restore his sight after losing it in a crash.

But instead Baecker fed him pickles laced with powerful mind-bending hallucinogenic drugs to induce visions.

‘You are a hairdresser, not a shaman,’ Judge Markus Faerber told Baecker in court.

No Relation To Me. My Son Maybe...

MALMO, Sweden, March 25 (UPI) -- The warden of a Swedish jail said a prisoner received an official warning for voicing his discontent toward his situation via flatulence.

Anders Eriksson, warden of the Kirseberg prison in Malmo, said guards filed numerous complaints against the 21-year-old prisoner, who was not named, alleging "a series of concerted attacks" in the form of the prisoner's constant wind-breaking, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported Thursday.

"I have worked within the prisons and probation service since 1986 and I have never experienced a situation where behavior of this sort has led to punishment," Eriksson said in an interview with Sweden's Metro newspaper.

Prison authorities said the prisoner revealed the motive for his flatulence.

"I had an upset stomach while I was playing cards but did not want to fart there. So I went over to the guards instead," he was quoted as saying.

The prisoner was issued an official warning and could face punishment for any future attacks of intentional flatulence, Eriksson said.

And yes, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Just Saying, Part XXIII

I have never cared for the term "sobering thought" for obvious reasons.

A Milestone is Reached

Holly Gibson won a free pack of staples from Staples for being the 500th person to walk past Kimberly's desk this week.

Congratulations, Holly!

Big Night Tonight.

Go Vols.

UPDATE: Mark King will not be in the office today, as he injured his neck looking at the standings.

Observation: Alison Pressley couldn’t trash talk her way out of Shannondale. For the record, however, Allison and I have climbed to 5th and 7th in Jim McCollum's High Stakes Bracket (sponsored by Beverly Mack). Allison (the second "l" is silent) notes that I lead the high stakes bracket with 43 correct, a feat she refers to as "cheating." Allison's Final Four? Kansas, West Virginia, Syracuse and Duke. What's that sound? Oh no! That was Allison's bracket falling in the standings. Don't forget to pick up your parting gift. I gave it to Danny.

Intern David Reynolds writes:

I am number 24! Excellent! And Will Akers keeps stealing my pencil!

David appears to have been overly excited with his Happy Meal.

Todd Bealer has quietly risen to a tie for second in the High Stakes Bracket (sponsored by Beverly Mack). Todd looks like a candidate to replace Jacob with his Final Four of Kansas , West Virginia, Duke and Kansas State.

FOR THE RECORD: Only one 12 seed (Cornell) beat a 5 seed this year. Disappointing. But still, if you fail to pick a 12 to beat a 5 you are not paying attention. Much like Adam Tinker, who, though dominating to this point in the tournament, has yet again forgotten to shave.

My friend Graeme in Australia writes to tell me that shark attacks are down the last few years. I reminded him, however, that the primary food source for sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries.

In second place overall, Leigh Anne Joseph writes:

I think this might be my year!

Indeed it might. Leigh Anne has K State in the Final Four, along with Kansas, Kentucky and Villanova. Ouch. Thanks for playing, Leigh Anne. You still have an excellent shot at being the first loser!

The always dangerous (and past winner) Connie Leggett is lurking in fourth place like a coyote about to devour a house cat. The always stealthy Mark Childress is biding his time in fifth, hoping that Ohio State...wait a minute, Ohio State? You picked Ohio State over Tennessee? Dude?

The always cheerful Jill Green writes:

You r funny!!!! ; ).

These kind words were quickly brought into perspective by Kathy Seagrist, however, who wrote:

Shut the ^%$* up.

And not to be out done, Gina Kent writes (often). Included among her 11 emails to date – one shy of the record held jointly by John “I like to my blood pressure high” Bailes, Kristen “Ad Space Available” Hicks and Debbie “Ritalin” Jones (only three of which were billable) - was this comment:

Joe Biden is not as stupid as he seems!

.

Undoubtedly true. He likely much stupider in real life.

Finally, an anonymous auditor (Andrew Pitts) writes:

I know what's going to happen next on LOST. Unfortunately I'll be out of the office for several weeks....

The Standings

Can Follow Instructions Division


Rank Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion

1 Adam Tinker 528 37 611 44 Kansas (143)
2 Leigh Anne Joseph 523 37 580 42 Kansas (128)
3 Sandy Richards 517 37 576 42 Kansas (162)
4 Connie Leggett 511 37 593 43 Kentucky (159)
5 Mark Childress 502 35 608 43 Kentucky (145)
6 Andrew Pitts 494 35 580 41 Kentucky (157)
7 Jessica Cooper 493 36 553 41 Kansas (152)
8 Buddy Hamilton 487 36 587 43 Kentucky (137)
8 Christie Knapper 487 35 597 43 Kentucky (117)
10 Will Akers 483 35 518 38 Kansas (139)
11 Whitney Mcgowan 480 35 539 40 Kansas (151)
12 Amy Holley 477 33 525 36 Kentucky (133)
13 david young 476 35 545 41 Syracuse (165)
14 Andrew Hartung 474 34 547 39 West Virginia (126)
15 Edgar Gray 468 34 534 39 Kansas (142)
16 Kristen Hicks 467 33 539 38 Kentucky (143)
17 Matthew McGowan 464 33 510 37 Kansas (147)
18 greg erickson 463 34 532 40 Kansas (139)
18 John Bailes 463 33 557 40 Kentucky (160)
20 Ben Alexander 460 34 495 37 Kansas (148)
21 Danny Pressley 455 32 561 40 Duke (137)
21 Kelly Fitzptrck 455 34 530 39 Kentucky (134)
23 Hallie Richards 450 33 507 38 Kansas (132)
24 Robert Freeman 446 33 491 37 Kansas (147)
25 Allison Pressley 443 32 490 36 Kansas (160)
25 David Reynolds 443 32 549 40 Duke (141)
27 Todd Bealer 440 33 503 38 Kansas (133)
28 Bill Kelso 435 31 497 36 Kansas (130)
29 Clay Irby 423 30 469 34 Kansas (145)
30 Sam Erickson 422 31 467 35 Kansas (155)
31 Jeff Hodge 419 32 497 37 Kentucky (158)
32 David Babb 409 31 467 36 Kansas (150)
33 Phyllis Hodge 396 30 440 34 Kansas (183)
34 Jim McCollum 388 29 457 35 Kansas (132)
35 Debbie Jones 387 30 445 35 Kansas (160)
36 Eric Bailes 381 24 467 30 Kentucky (159)
36 Mark King 381 29 463 35 Duke (143)

Joe Biden Division

Rank Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Andrew Childress 485 34 545 39 Kansas (138)
1 Bill Kelso 485 35 558 41 Kansas (130)
3 Glenn Sharp 466 34 522 39 Kansas (143)
4 Sandy Richards 458 34 517 39 Kansas (162)
5 LESLEY DAVIS 418 32 488 37 Kentucky (2)

Dan Quayle Division

Rank Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Sandy Richards 517 37 576 42 Kansas (162)
2 Bill Kelso 449 32 520 38 Kansas (130)
3 Melissa Miller (1) 428 31 498 36 Kentucky (171)
4 Melissa Miller (2) 427 32 503 38 Syracuse (142)
5 Clay Irby 423 30 469 34 Kansas (145)
6 Steve Richards 411 31 455 35 Kansas (150)
7 Sam Pressley 384 29 441 34 Kansas (155)

Jim McCollum High Stakes Division
Sponsored by Beverly Mack


Rank Name Score Correct Best Score Best Correct Champion
1 Adam Tinker 52 35 75 41 Kansas (145)
2 Jessica Hodges 51 36 70 41 Kansas (152)
2 Robby Vincill 51 36 65 40 Kansas (150)
2 Todd Bealer 51 35 77 42 Kansas (133)
5 Bette Brady 50 36 71 41 Kentucky (168)
5 greg erickson 50 35 82 43 Kentucky (161)
7 Allison Pressley 49 35 68 40 Kansas (159)
7 Jeff Potter 49 35 69 40 Kansas (164)
7 Sandy Richards 49 34 68 39 Kansas (162)
10 David Belcher 48 34 64 38 Kansas (133)
11 gabe beck 47 33 66 38 Kansas (155)
11 Jeremy Shoop 47 33 63 37 Kansas (133)
11 Jim McCollum 47 32 63 36 Kansas (136)
14 david young 46 34 62 38 Kansas (155)
14 jason brady 46 34 64 38 Kentucky (138)
14 Laura Belcher 46 32 71 38 Kentucky (156)
14 Paul Burris 46 32 68 38 Kansas (131)
18 DvdLaura Belcher 45 33 67 39 Syracuse (136)
18 Leigh Ann Joseph 45 33 64 38 Kansas (132)
20 Danny Pressley 44 31 69 37 Kentucky (137)
20 Kristen Hicks 44 32 69 38 Kentucky (144)
20 larry brady 44 32 56 35 Kansas (180)
20 Tom Welch 44 32 63 37 Kansas (163)
24 David Babb 43 29 68 35 Kentucky (150)
24 Rachel McCollum 43 30 62 35 Kansas (144)
24 Steve Richards 43 32 61 36 Kentucky (155)
27 Sam Pressley 41 30 60 35 Kansas (155)
28 Andrew Pitts 40 31 58 35 Kentucky (157)
28 Pat O'Connor 40 30 55 34 Kansas (145)
28 Tom Joseph 40 31 59 36 Syracuse (145)
31 Tom Joseph 38 26 50 29 Syracuse (146)
32 Bill Kelso 35 26 47 29 Kansas (130)