It's Only $2!

The 29 year old Kelly Fitzpatrick pleads:

I can't afford the entry fee!

May I suggest pimping your cat out to the neighborhood strays as a good way to raise the money? Because this is not something you want to miss.

Especially at your age.

Reader Letters

Amy Sharp writes:

Why do you always say that Phyllis is upset about not winning the Theme Saturday contests? She doesn't seem that angry to me. She swears a lot normally.

Good question, Amy. Phyllis was hoping to build up some momentum heading into March Madness and it just hasn't worked out for her, so naturally she is a little disappointed. Perhaps even bitter.

Kind of like Ken.

You know, the guy that dated Barbie for 43 years and then all of a sudden she dumped him like 6 years ago or something.

Really upset a lot of people. I mean, it's the equivalent of Bella dumping Edward. AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN!

Anyway, Barbie has been hanging out with a new doll named ''Blaine,'' an Australian surfer with one of those asymmetrical surfer-dude haircuts that make him look like he was attacked by Edward Scissorhands and the guy that cuts Thomas' hair at the same time. (Note to self - this might also explain Ellen Degeneres' haircut.) Blaine also has the kind of muscular physique that women do not find at all attractive, at least according to my wife whenever I ask her why she is staring at one of those PX90 infomercials.

March Madness - The First Responders

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano or seals pups hoping to escape the jaws of a massive great white shark, we all look forward to the first communiques from the august body of participants eager to fill out their brackets.

Mark "Mr. SEC" Worthington writes:

Polls show that, in terms of public trust, your blog now ranks lower than Nancy Pelosi, kidnappers, tapeworms, Hitler, F/X updates and airline flight announcements. You are still slightly ahead of lawyers, however.

Of course, these poll results were reported by the news media, so they could be wrong. In fact, there might not actually have been any polls; it's possible that some reporter made the whole ``credibility'' story up. But I don't think so.

The Committee takes these charges very seriously.

We'll look into them. We'll have a full blown "ethics" investigation.

Seriously.

Right after tax season.

I am Not Making This Up, Part XIII

Lindsay Lohan is suing the E-Trade baby. The end of the world is near. From the New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering, The Post has learned.

ROTFLMFAO.

Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.

I JUST WET MYSELF I AM LAUGHING SO HARD. The Post story continues:

“Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Ovadia said.

“They used the name Lindsay,” Ovadia said. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

I believe that Lindsay Lohan would have us all believe that a typical office conversation goes like this:

Me: Good Morning.
Bev: Enough small talk, what do you think of the latest round of E-Trade baby commercials that everyone is talking about? That baby is Lindsay Lohan, or as I call her, Lindsay.
Me: Duh!

UPDATE: Alert reader Mark king writes: "I thought they were referring to Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman. Thanks for clearing that up.

The SurePrep Commuter Train

In Which We Learn Why John Bailes Should Not Buy a Prius

A warning to our newest 50 year old:

The Los Angeles Times recently did a story detailing all of the NHTSA reports of Toyota “sudden acceleration” fatalities, and, though the Times did not mention it, the ages of the drivers involved were striking.

In the 24 cases where driver age was reported or readily inferred, the drivers included those of the ages 60, 61, 63, 66, 68, 71, 72, 72, 77, 79, 83, 85, 89—and I’m leaving out the son whose age wasn’t identified, but whose 94-year-old father died as a passenger.

It should be obvious that these “electronic defects” discriminate against the elderly, just as the sudden acceleration of Audis and GM autos did before them.

That's just not right!

March Madness

My affinity for March Madness is undoubtedly a function of the fact that March is the month I am mostly to go mad.

Rice-a-Roni Isn't the only San Francisco Treat

San Francisco wears its environmental consciousness like a green badge of honor.

Residents separate and recycle their food scraps. Streets close to cars so people can walk and bike them. A city department even gives away "high-quality, nutrient-rich, organic bio-solids compost" to any and all takers.

But hold on there: A public interest and environmental advocacy group says San Francisco's free compost, used by community, backyard and school gardens in the Bay Area, is processed sewage sludge — the product of anything flushed, poured or dumped into the wastewater system, including industrial, chemical and pharmaceutical toxins.

"This sludge belongs in a hazardous waste dump," said Ronnie Cummins, national director of the Organic Consumers Association, before he poured some of the compost on carefully laid out plastic sheeting at the steps of San Francisco City Hall on Thursday.

The protest, he said, was the launch of an all-out campaign the organic foods movement is planning to wage against the use of bio-solids compost.

The San Francisco Public Utilities Commission, which manages the city's sewage treatment, says the 1 percent of the city's 80,000 tons of sewage that is converted into compost each year is treated and tested to the point of sterility.

Yeah, right.

Seems to me that San Francisco has hit on a brilliant way to get rid of its sewage treatment byproducts: Call it "high-quality, nutrient-rich, organic bio-solids compost" and get gullible hippy gardeners to haul them away for free.

Brilliant if you ask me. Bet Al Gore got him some.

Dude, Great Marketing Photo!

A self-proclaimed psychic who called himself "America's Prophet" and claimed the ability to predict stock market changes was charged today by the Securities & Exchange Commission with multi-million dollar securities fraud.

Sean David Morton started to solicit investors in the summer of 2006 by promising to use his psychic abilities for investment guidance, the SEC alleged in the complaint.

Morton "I have called all the highs and lows of the market, giving exact dates for rises and crashes over the last 14 years," Morton said in a newsletter to potential investors. Along with his newsletter, Morton also used his website, public speaking engagements, and appearances on a nationally syndicated radio show to promote his Delphi Investment Group.

I can see his defense right now:

"Oh, you thought I meant P-R-O-F-I-T."

With an awesome picture like that it's easy to see why people would believe him. I am pretty sure the cat is alive.

Weight Watchers circa 1974

Brandy snifters? The perfect way to serve jellied tomatoes.

Just tip your head back and let the chunks slide in.

The time you spent eating these is time you'll want back at the very end of your life.

That's why they're served with a clock.

This is old school weight loss.

Not Making This Up

The president of the Detroit school board, Otis Mathis, is waging a legal battle to steer the academic future of 90,000 children, in the nation's lowest-achieving big city district.

He also acknowledges he has difficulty composing a coherent English sentence. Here's a sample from an e-mail he sent to friends and supporters on Sunday night, uncorrected for errors of spelling, grammar, punctuation and usage. It begins:

If you saw Sunday's Free Press that shown Robert Bobb the emergency financial manager for Detroit Public Schools, move Mark Twain to Boynton which have three times the number seats then students and was one of the reason's he gave for closing school to many empty seats.

Here's another mass e-mail from Mathis, from Aug. 11, 2009:

Do DPS control the Foundation or outside group? If an outside group control the foundation, then what is DPS Board row with selection of is director? Our we mixing DPS and None DPS row's, and who is the watch dog?

"I told him just last week that he should have his e-mails read by somebody before he sends them out," said fellow school board member LaMar Lemmons Jr., who praises Mathis as a leader he can trust.

"I said, 'If somebody gets ahold of this, it will become an issue that you can't read or write. It will go around the world.' "

Can Mathis read?

"Yes, I can read. I'm capable of reading a lot of information and regurgitation," says Mathis, who told me he sometimes needs to read documents two or three times to fully comprehend their contents but then masters -- and memorizes -- them.

Mathis and another student unsuccessfully challenged the use of an English proficiency test as a requirement for graduation. In 1992, when the case went to trial, the lawsuit gained national attention. Mathis said then his failure to pass the test "made me feel stupid." The requirement was eventually dropped in 2007, and Mathis applied to get his degree the next year, after his election.

Uh, I think that when the test "made him feel stupid" it should have been a clue. Because he is really stupid. Hard to see why Detroit schools graduate a whopping 25% of its students.

Whatever this guy is in favor of I am against. I think he is emblematic of what's wrong with education in this country.

Enough said.

From Craigslist

I am not making this up, but the seller might be. I am pretty sure he is if it's the Declaration of Independance. I blame publick edgeukayshun these days.

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE - $8000 (FLAGLER BEACH FL)
Date: 2010-03-03, 12:17PM EST
Reply to: sale-bjwds-1626575747@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

THIS RARE COPY OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE WAS FOUND BY MY GRANDFATHER IN A BIBLE THAT WAS 300 YEARS OLD NOT SURE OF WHERE IT CAME FROM IN EXCELLENT CONDITION ONE OF 21 EVER MADE IN THE US SO ALL U COLLECTORS COME GET ITY

* Location: FLAGLER BEACH FL
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I wonder if Nicholas Cage is interested?

Brumbelow Now Going By B Diddy

Our office was a frenzy of excitement yesterday as our new tax department big toe (Stripes reference) Mark Brumbelow formally applied for a nickname. My crack investigative team has uncovered the following possibilities:

Brumby
B-man
B Diddy
B-Rum
B-Rummy
Brummy Bear
T-Bone (old LBMC Brentwood nickname)
Koko
Marky-Mark
S
Smark
Spike
Brumbidan
Bumble Bee
Brumblesaurus
Brumbelowsealevel
OTG (Oh! THAT Guy!)
Ross

Brummy Bear and T-Bone had a great deal of support, but B Diddy won.

At least for this week.

The Aftermath of A Mark Brumbelow Dinner

Words Elude Me

Irony

Okay, so I am surfing the news as I down some pretzels for my lunch and I see this headline: Woman charged with killing husband is lobbyist. Big whoop, right?

What makes this story interesting is that the woman who killed her husband is a "registered lobbyist for a group fighting domestic violence."

In Which We Learn Obama is Not As Smart As He Thinks He Is

File this under I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.



Yeah, that's right...That's good old President Obama explaining why we have to buy health insurance. Does anything jump out as, well, not exactly true?

When I was young, just got out of college, I had to buy auto insurance. I had a beat-up old car. And I won’t name the name of the insurance company, but there was a company — let’s call it Acme Insurance in Illinois. And I was paying my premiums every month. After about six months I got rear-ended and I called up Acme and said, I’d like to see if I can get my car repaired, and they laughed at me over the phone because really this was set up not to actually provide insurance; what it was set up was to meet the legal requirements. But it really wasn’t serious insurance.

Now, it’s one thing if you’ve got an old beat-up car that you can’t get fixed. It’s another thing if your kid is sick, or you’ve got breast cancer.

This is a college graduate...a young man en route to HARVARD LAW SCHOOL...and he doesn't know the difference between liability, collision and comprehensive auto insurance? Apparently so.

Notice that he tells the story in such a way as to make the insurance company look bad. Clearly the insurance company only offered him the cheapest policy and never made any attempt to sell him a more expensive policy for his "beat-up old car."

Because we all know that no insurance agent would ever try to sell you a policy with a more expensive premium.

I am 100% in favor of health care reform.

And I am 100% opposed to what Barack Obama is selling.

BECAUSE HE IS NOT BEING HONEST.

There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Never has been.
Never will be.

Pretending it's otherwise will only make things worse.

There is one part of his story that made sense, though....the part where the insurance company laughed at him because he was such a dumb ass.

Just like he'll be laughing if you fall for his so-called health care reform.

In Which We Learn Something From a Poll

I tend to refer to those who hold political positions which differ from my own as morons. I should not do this, even when I am correct. And shockingly, there are even times when I am wrong.

Our Founding fathers understood that people never agreed on everything and rarely agreed on anything. Debate is healthy; whenever you are so certain that you are correct and the other guy couldn't possibly be correct you are almost certainly going to make some huge mistakes.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely and all that.

CNN (the network for morons) published a poll recently that I thought was enlightening. Here is their shocking conclusion:

A majority of Americans think the federal government poses a threat to rights of Americans, according to a new national poll.

56% of us, in turns out, have concluded that the federal government, though necessary, is basically not such a good thing - especially when it gets too big. This concept is not new; it is the essence of a document you may have heard about. It's called THE CONSTITUTION.

This is not a Democrat or Republican issue, either. Every debate really needs to start with this thought embedded in the minds of both sides BECAUSE IT IS THE VERY FOUNDATION OF THIS COUNTRY. Yet it is clear that this is poorly understood by most politicians, which is further evidence that they should never, under any circumstances, be allowed to serve more than two terms in office and why their family members should be denied employment by the government in any capacity while they are in office.

But I digress. Back to this CNN poll:

The survey indicates a partisan divide on the question: only 37 percent of Democrats, 63 percent of Independents and nearly 7 in 10 Republicans say the federal government poses a threat to the rights of Americans.

Does it bother you that they give percentages for for Democrats and Independents but when they get to Republicans it's "7 out of 10"? WTF? 65% id almost 7 out of 10 if you round up, right? Same with 66%,67%,68% and 69%. And 70% is actually "7 out of 10," so we can rule that out (although it is CNN).

So why "7 out of 10"?

Could it be that if they listed the actual percentage for Republican responders it would be FREAKING OBVIOUS that the difference between Republicans and Independents was statistically insignificant? (The poll had a margin of error of +/- 3%, such that the Independents at 63% could really be as high as 66%.)

So basically it's clear that 2 out of 3 Republicans and Independents feel this way. What's wrong with Democrats?

Reasonable people can disagree and all that, but I think we have a consensus on this issue. The only ones who don't get it are the ones leaching off the government like parasites.

Now we can call those with whom we disagree names, but that isn't helpful. But Ted Kennedy did look all bloated like a tick.

Just saying.

Giving LOST New Meaning

No, this is not a LOST post. It's about our government losing things.

New documents reveal that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) continues to lose hundreds of computers per year. At least one DHS component agency maintains that the losses fall within accepted accounting standards.

In fiscal year 2008, inventories of lost, stolen, and damaged equipment show that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and Customs and Border Protection (CBP) combined to lose no fewer than 985 computers. Meanwhile, the lost, stolen and damaged report for ICE shows 13 vehicles classified as "lost" or "not found during physical inventory."

CBP's total inventory (immediately below) of lost stolen and damaged equipment tallies 1,975 pieces at a total valuation of $7.5 million.

I was against Homeland Security from day one on libertarian grounds - give government more power and government will always abuse it, even if they start out doing something good and necessary.

I cannot believe these people still have jobs. They lost 985 computers. How does one lose a computer, exactly?

Here's a couple of charts so you can see that I am not making this up:

2008 CBP w remarks

2008 ICE LDD w remarks


CBP insists that none of the lost computers contained any sensitive or classified data. Furthermore, the agency told the Independence Institute, "CBP accounts for a total of 92,351 various types of computers in our active property inventory," and continued that, "[a]n annual loss of 549 [computers] for 2008 represents a loss rate of less than .59 percent, which is well within loss rates deemed acceptable by industry for asset accounting (ATSM standards)." The agency also asserted that they strive for 100 percent accountability of all property.

"If CBP can lose more than 500 computers, and say categorically that there was no sensitive data on any of them, then I don't know what CBP is using their computers for," Caldara added.

CBP's inventory also shows 235 night vision scopes classified as lost. CBP said the losses resulted from the merging of Office of Border Patrol with CBP. In an email response to the Institute, the press office said, "Currently, CBP accounts for 13,866 pieces of night vision equipment. These losses represent 1.69 percent of total inventory."

In light of a trillion dollar deficit, this is small potatoes, although who knows how that phrase every became synonymous with insignificance.

Are there good people who work for the government? Of course. But there seem to be an awful large number who are unaccountable, lazy slackers who should be fired.

That Really Stinks!

From CNN (so they might be making it up):

Air travelers already have to deal with unruly passengers, excessively talkative ones and many other types who make flying miserable.

But a new low may just have been reached for weary road warriors: The overwhelmingly smelly passenger.

A man on Jazz Air, a regional airline in Canada that also serves U.S. cities, was reportedly kicked off a plane earlier this month because of his strong body odor.

"People were just mumbling and staring at him," said a woman who sat near the man, according to The Guardian, a newspaper in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, where the flight originated on February 6. It was a very uncomfortable situation, she added.

Another passenger described the smell as "brutal."

The man was an American visiting Prince Edward Island, the CBC reported.

Jazz Air spokeswoman Manon Stuart confirmed that a passenger was "deplaned" from the flight, but she could not provide specific information about the person involved or the reason why he was asked to leave because of privacy issues.

"As an airline, the safety and comfort of our passengers and crew are our top priorities. Therefore, any situation that compromises either their safety or comfort is taken seriously, and in such circumstances, the crew will act in the best interest of the majority of our passengers," Stuart said.

"It's important to understand that our crew members make every effort to resolve a situation before it becomes an issue. Unfortunately, in some circumstances, it may become necessary for our crew to remove passengers."

The airline, like most air carriers, doesn't have a specific policy covering body odor, Stuart said.

You Can't Spell "Integrity" without the 'C' in 'CNN'...Oh Wait...

True, I hold most (okay, all) news organizations in low esteem. I find their commentators to be doltish, hypocritical and biased in fully 8 out of 10 cases on average. And CNN's coverage of, well, anything, borders on the "in need of psychotropic drugs" category.

I offer the following in support of the foregoing.

The topic: The Tea Party Movement. CNN doesn't like the Tea Party Movement. CNN also doesn't understand the Tea party Movement.

Or math.

Or english.

Activists in the Tea Party movement tend to be male, rural, upscale, and overwhelmingly conservative, according to a new national poll.

A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey released Wednesday also indicates that Tea Party activists would vote overwhelmingly Republican in a two-party race for Congress. The party's GOP leanings, the poll suggests, may pose a problem for the Tea Party movement if it tries to turn itself into a third party to compete with the two major parties in this year's general election.

Got it? It's a bunch of wealthy, angry white men from the sticks. Because most of the "upscale" white men in the America live in rural areas.

According to the survey, roughly 11 percent of all Americans say they have actively supported the Tea Party movement, either by donating money, attending a rally, or taking some other active step to support the movement. Of this core group of Tea Party activists, 6 of 10 are male and half live in rural areas.

Nearly three-quarters of Tea Party activists attended college, compared to 54 percent of all Americans, and more than 3 in 4 call themselves conservatives.

Wait a minute...6 in 10 are male? And 50% (which is technically the same as "half") live in rural areas. If that is the standard for overwhelming doesn't it follow that Americans "overwhelmingly" oppose Obamacare, too?

And if 3 out of 4 describe themselves as "conservative" how can it also be true that "according to the survey, most Tea Party activists describe themselves as Independents."

Is CNN really as stupid as this article makes them appear?

Clearly the answer is yes.

Even Sarah Palin would probably agree that CNN is retarded.

Here's a crazy thought: could it be that most Americans hate the Democrats and the Republicans? Is it possible that a plurality of Americans favor Republicans at the moment simply because they aren't Democrats, who seem intent at the moment on being the party of complete ineptitude? Is there a chance that a lot of Americans were willing to give President Obama a chance, but after a year in office have concluded that (a) he has broken all of his campaign problems, (b) doesn't seem to know what's he's doing and (c) is kind of, well, a liar?

A Cookbook? I mean, really... a cookbook?

Yes.

We are going to have a firm wide cookbook.

I started working this afternoon on recipes I'd want to offer. Harder than it looks.

Even remembering the ingredients is a challenge, since I tend to cook more by taste and what is available than a specific recipe.


But what is really challenging is trying to provide meaningful instructions. Like you know how, when you get something at Lowe's and read the instructions it's obvious that the person who wrote them (a) is Korean (b) never assembled what you are assembling because he left a bunch of steps out (c) has assembled it so many times he forgot to mention basic stuff and let a bunch of steps out and (d) I'm pissed because I didn't take French in high school and my German is rusty so I can't even read the non-English instructions which probably suck as much as the English instructions.

And it's 27 degrees in the garage and my beer is frozen.

Son of a bee sting.

But I digress.

Explaining how to do something is hard. I don't forgive the Korean who wrote the instructions for my garage door or those Legos I had to assemble when the kids were little (talk about pressure!), but I understand now that writing instructions is not as easy as it looks.

Also I figure I can't swear, and that just makes it thst much harder.

So basically I like to cook, but once you get past light the grill it is hard to explain how to cook something, and I worry that whoever is reading MY recipe will screw it up and the dish will be awful and their family will have really bad gas that night.

It's like the pressure of building Legos for a three year old or buying a Valentine's Day present your wife actually likes.

I Have a Really Good Life

I just do.

And I am really grateful for it.

I hope I never take it for granted.

In Which YDNAFP is Shown to be Prescient

I hate the TSA.

I get what they do and kind of understand it's necessary, but I am far from clear if it makes any difference (other than hassling the innocent).

I've written previously about jihadi bastards and their exploding breast implants, and here is evidence that I was ahead of the curve on this emerging trend.

As someone with a lot of titanium in me, I know firsthand what a hassle the TSA can be.

Seriously?

I am not making this up (although it is from the NY Times so there is at least a 50% chance that THEY made it up). Americans are clearly in favor of repealing the infamous don't ask/don't tell policy for the military. Or not:

The results highlight the importance of wording on the issue. In a test, half of the poll’s respondents were asked their opinion on permitting “gay men and lesbians” to serve, and the other half were asked about permitting “homosexuals” to serve.

The wording of the question proved to make a difference. Seven in 10 respondents said they favor allowing “gay men and lesbians” to serve in the military, including nearly 6 in 10 who said they should be allowed to serve openly. But support was somewhat lower among those who were asked about allowing “homosexuals” to serve, with 59 percent in favor, including 44 percent who support allowing them to serve openly.

Democrats in the poll seemed particularly swayed by the wording. Seventy-nine percent of Democrats said they support permitting gay men and lesbians to serve openly. Fewer Democrats however, just 43 percent, said they were in favor of allowing homosexuals to serve openly. Republicans and independents varied less between the two terms.

I suspect the non-homosexual gays and lesbians in the military are breathing a sigh of relief.

I am not so sure what to make of the fact that self-proclaimed Democrats felt that gays and lesbians were fine, but homosexuals - no way!

Perhaps they aren't very bright? (ed.- you already said they were Democrats.)

Meanwhile, in Bizzarro World

Yeah, Baby.

...anyone in Japan who buys the Hummer H3 model — with its 5.3-liter, 300-horsepower engine — can receive a 250,000 yen ($2,779) subsidy under the country’s recently eased fuel-efficiency standards for imported cars.

What do you think about that, Al?

Really?

Eating healthy can be an eating disorder?

I am a big believer that there can always be too much of a good thing, but don't we have enough to worry about.

I'd like to commission a study on stupid medical news and studies. Then I'd like to have a few beers.

And some bacon.

Previously...on LOST

Not really.

But I did come across something that I found to be very interesting. And it's from Wikipedia, so it has to be good. It has to do with Edgar Cayce.

For those unfamiliar with Cayce (March 18, 1877 – January 3, 1945) (pronounced Casey) he was an American psychic (or not, if you don't believe psychics exist) who was quite famous in his day. There are more than 300 books written about Cayce, and there still exists today an organization he founded known as the Association for Research and Enlightenment. The most famous book on Cayce is one I read about thirty years ago called Many Mansions, and I highly recommend it. Cayce is arguably the seminal authority for the notion of the "collective unconscious" (a concept that might explain the whispers).

He said some wild stuff, but never seemed to take himself too seriously. He warned his more devout followers not to take everything he said on faith. Sound familiar?

Anyway, Cayce was arguably most famous for his prophecies about the lost city of Atlantis. Get it? The "Lost" city of Atlantis...an island that disappeared.

Hmmm...but wait, it gets better. While there are many, many parallels between Cayce and LOST, two jumped out at me:

Atlantis: The Cayce readings spoke of the existence of Atlantis, a legendary continent with an advanced technology whose refugees peopled ancient Egypt as well as pre-Columbian America. Cayce's description of Atlantis has much in common with that of Ignatius L. Donnelly. According to Cayce, Atlantean society was divided into two long-lived political factions—a "good" faction called the "Sons of the Law of One," and an "evil" faction called the "Sons of Belial." Many people alive today are the reincarnations of Atlantean souls, he believed, who must now face similar temptations as before. It is said Atlantis suffered three major destructions, one of which was the deluge. According to the readings, a major source of turmoil was the Sons of Belial's desire to exploit the Things, sub-humans with animal appendages and low intelligence, and the movements to protect and evolve them by the Sons of the Law of One. The final destruction was the overcharging of the crystal which caused a massive explosion.

* Egypt: Next to biblical times, the most significant era for the "life readings" was a pre-dynastic Egyptian civilization consisting of Atlantean refugees. Cayce purported to have been an Egyptian priest named "Ra Ta" who built a spiritually-based healing center (the "Temple of Sacrifice") and educational institution (the "Temple Beautiful"). His diagnostic readings and narratives about the past and future were supposed to be a continuation of his ancient work. This civilization also built monuments on the Giza plateau, including the Great Pyramid, and left records of Atlantis in a "hall of records" located somewhere beneath the Great Sphinx of Giza. These readings bear a close resemblance to books by AMORC founder H. Spencer Lewis.

Let's review:

Atlantis was divided into two factions- a "good" faction and an "evil" faction who ultimately go to war against one another. Jacob and the Man in Black? (Though I have come increasingly to believe that Jacob is really the evil one.)

Atlantis had advanced technology whose refugees peopled ancient Egypt - technology is really what brought Dharma to the island; it's what crashed the plane, in a manner of speaking. And the Egyptian connection is obvious. "Cayce purported to have been an Egyptian priest named "Ra Ta" who built a spiritually-based healing center (the "Temple of Sacrifice") and educational institution (the "Temple Beautiful")."

Some of the people alive today are the reincarnations of Atlantean souls, he believed, who must now face similar temptations as before - multiple time lines? Is this how we will come to understand Adam and Eve?

Atlantis was destroyed by the overcharging of the crystal which caused a massive explosion - is this why the island is now at the bottom of the ocean?

Cayce also mentions crystals repeatedly as an energy source unique to Atlantis. Atlanteans used the crystal "to rejuvenate their bodies and were able to live hundreds of years while maintaining a youthful appearance." Richard Alpert?

Cayce ultimately foresaw massive destruction (California falls in to the sea, Obama presidency if mankind couldn't reconcile its inherent contradictions (free will v. fate?) - perhaps this is the inspiration for the Valenzetti Equation?

Answers? Nah. There are no answers to LOST, at least not yet. But if, like me, you want to crack the mystery that is LOST, perhaps Cayce offers more insights than any other source I have discovered to date.

In Which I Reveal That I am a Heartless Bastard

Last night, after a nice dinner with friends, we ran into a mutual friend - a physician - who had just returned from Haiti. His stories were, well, depressing. Apparently no matter what we are seeing on TV, he said, the reality is 100 times worse.

Our friend expressed dismay at the complete ineptitude and callowness of the UN; he was shocked that when push came to shove the institution's own image - the perception that IT was in charge - trumped any silly concerns for actual human suffering. The UN, he said, made things worse - a lot worse - and he wished they would just leave.

I, of course, was not shocked at all. The UN, though a noble concept, needs to be scrapped in its entirety and reconstituted from scratch. I will never forgive Bush for not pushing this idea through. I mean, everybody hated him already. Why not do the politically unpopular thing and just shut it down?

My wife, who is the antithesis of me, wants to adopt every Haitian under the age of 5. She is that kind of person.

I am not. I pointed out that there has been similar carnage in Turkey, Mexico, Iran and a host of other nations. Millions have been slaughtered in Africa in the last 5 years. I just don't remember the outcry.

People are people; I do care about the people. But all this relief is a good and natural human response that really just does one thing: It makes us feel better about ourselves. We aren't really saving lives in the grand scheme of things; Haiti will still be a hellhole a year and probably even ten years from now, just like Africa.

Sorry to be so negative and fatalistic, but that's the reality. I am a Hobbesian - life is nasty, brutish and short. And with institutions like the UN around it's a little bit nastier and brutish.

If we really want to solve problems we need to spend less energy on the band-aid solutions that aren't solutions at all - they just make us feel better about ourselves - and start to focus on the things that create these problems in the first instance.

No, the UN didn't cause the earthquake, but natural disasters have been and will always be with us. We have no control whatsoever over these things. And we should help; I am not saying we should walk away or do nothing. But no one is really asking the important question: why is Haiti such a hellhole? Why did everything on the island collapse? Why is there no infrastructure? Why is there no soap (yup - our friend told us that there is no water and no soap, so fighting infection is a real challenge)?

These problems caused the earthquake to be much worse than it should have been.

And take a minute to google "Jimmy Carter" and "Haiti." I find it interesting, and personally somewhat rewarding, to note the close ties between Mr. Carter and most of the hellholes on earth. Coincidence? I think not. Take any hellhole, add a dash of Jimmy Carter, and over time everything gets much worse. As in "Gasoline?" "Meet Fire."

Enough. Now back to our regular programming.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just give it a chance. You'll see why.

Another Huge Advance in Fashion

I don't know how I missed it, but there is a huge issue that 60 Minutes and the trial lawyers who advertise at 2 am completely missed: people CANNOT drink tea when they wear a blanket and pajamas to watch TV.

I never really thought of blankets as being comfortable to wear...I mean, isn't that why they came up with the Snuggie in the first place?

Those zip-on slippers are kind of awesome. Probably hot, too - but not hot as in sexy. More like "Hey, mama, my feet are sweatin'" hot.

We tend to underestimate the power of technology. But if we can use technology to create something like this then there is no telling what we can accomplish!

"Marshmallow Soft" is a new type of fleece (more technology!) and it's probably made from recycled marshmallows.

Victoria's Secret, I think you missed a real opportunity here.

Apparently what women really want to do is to wear the same pajamas they wore as children. And I know why. For years it's been "Aw, honey, I have a headache." But with the HoodieFootie they can say "Aw, honey, I'd love to! But I just put on my HoodieFootie, so, you know...."

Greece is the Word

I haven't seen much in the way of TV news lately but my sense is that the enfeebled entity we refer to as the media has overlooked this major story. Here's the deal: Greece is bankrupt. See also, Portugal, Ireland, Italy and Spain; California.

It's an increasingly common problem, but as Bob Dole once observed, I have to wonder: "Where's the outrage?"

It's not news, of course, that governments tend to be irresponsible. That's their nature, I guess. but really bad things can happen when government's are irresponsible. War, famine, genocide - these are REALLY bad things, and as I see it we are moving inexorably towards these things. Greece is the best example of how it starts and where it can lead; of course no one is paying attention. (ed. - How can we? American Idol is on!)

Here is a short article on the subject from the reactionary BBC. Go read it. I'll wait. There's even a video.

The common thread in government failure isn't the economy. Nor is it natural disasters or the weather. Those are excuses and government loves excuses it can blame its problems on. Haiti was a study in abject failure long before the earthquake.

The problem is government itself.

Government is a parasite. Does it provide necessary and vital services? Of course. I am not an anarchist. Government always grows in the name of one good cause after another until it consumes the host. Our Founding fathers understood this.

We the People? We are the host.

If we stand by and do nothing we will, eventually, die. Sounds dire, I know, but death comes in many forms. It may be a collapse of our standard of living; it may be war. But it's the path we are on in this world, no question about it.

There is no free lunch. There never was. Government, especially government workers, never understand this.

But the bill always comes due eventually.

In Greece they can't pay it. California is right around the corner - just watch.

The only option is to let them fail. As we should have done with GM and Chrysler. It will be painful, but much less painful than pretending we can fix the problem another way.

Because it can't be done - and all the wishful thinking in the world (see, well-intentioned liberals) won't change that. All the other fixes (i.e., bail-outs) are just band-aids. A band-aid will never stop gangrene from spreading.

The government in Greece - the birthplace of western democracy - is gangrene to the body politic. It must be excised, and government workers understand this:

The unions regard the austerity programme as a declaration of war against the working and middle classes… “It’s a war against workers and we will answer with war, with constant struggles until this policy is overturned,” said Christos Katsiotis, a union member affiliated to the Communist Party, at the Athens rally.

It is a war.

I just wonder who will win.

Movie Trivia

The Top 25 films of all time, adjusted for inflation. It's in the news because Avatar just passed Titanic for the number spot on the unadjusted gross box office chart.

But, can you guess what 22 of the 25 films listed below have in common besides big box office numbers?


1. Gone With the Wind: $1,537,559,600

2. Star Wars: $1,355,490,100

3. The Sound of Music: $1,083,781,000

4. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial: $1,079,511,500

5. The Ten Commandments: $996,910,000

6. Titanic: $976,712,20

7. Jaws: $974,679,800

8. Doctor Zhivago: $944,670,800

9. The Exorcist: $841,427,600

10. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: $829,490,000

11. 101 Dalmatians: $760,370,300

12. The Empire Strikes Back: $747,154,600

13. Ben-Hur: $745,780,000

14. Return of the Jedi: $715,792,100

15. The Sting: $678,377,100

16. Raiders of the Lost Ark: $670,759,500

17. Jurassic Park: $656,026,500

18. The Graduate: $651,198,300

19. Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace: $645,524,400

20. Fantasia: $631,960,900

21. Avatar: $603,789,300

22. The Godfather: $600,600,700

23. Forrest Gump: $597,732,100

24. Mary Poppins: $594,963,600

25. The Lion King: $587,733,900


If you guessed that 22 of the 25 films listed were rated G, PG or PG-13, you'd be right. I still think The Hangover was hilarious, but you'd think Hollywood might figure out that there is a correlation between a movie's rating and how much money it makes.

Yet Another LOST Related Post

How To Make a Sandwich on the Island from LOST:

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout “HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?”
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering “I don’t need no sandwich”
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one’s looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone’s knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich “brother”
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else’s sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you’ll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it’s a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other shit, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

Time Flies. But why?

Are other modes of travel unacceptable?

In Which I Pay Homage to My Wife's Fashion Influence

All my knowledge of fashion I owe to Betsy. I don't have any knowledge of fashion, she'll tell you, but still.

For example, I don't understand women's fashion - well, any fashion, I guess - but especially women's fashion. I've sat through what...10 seasons ?... of Project Runway (which I watch solely for the fashion and not because Heidi Klum is the host), but I still don't get it. Stuff the judges like often looks like crap to me.

Betsy shakes here head when I say this. I am not fashion forward. I am a fashion retard, she tells me. And she's right.

Still, most of the time I think I'm right. For example, when 70s fashion started to creep back in to vogue my thought was "Isn't this the stuff you would wear as a joke to a 1970s party?" And it is. If it looked ridiculous in the 70s it looks ridiculous now.

Anything with the word "hippie" or "peasant" in its description makes you look like, well, a hippie or peasant. Hippies are not cute. Peasants smell like the French. Which, in turn, implies that wearing such clothes makes you look like a look like a poor person trying to buy weed with BO.

That can't be good. Yet, in the name of fashion, it is!

Anyway, in scouring the internet for "fun" stuff for my legion of readers, I came across these, and they inspired this post:



And now I am speechless and must return to my work. Discuss.

5 Minutes of Sawyer Nicknames. Enjoy.

Reminds Me of When My Kids Were Little

They didn't dance as well, however.

XHA1 Test video HD Success! from Mike None on Vimeo.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to die.

So, they finally found a real WMD in Iraq. Big whoop. I always thought those who said "Bush lied" were morons. Conversely, I think it was late in 2005 when I said to myself "What the hell are we doing in Iraq?"

My Middle East policy clarifies with each passing day. They may not respect the USA, but surely they respect Inigo Montoya.

This Looks Good

Trailer

Speechless

I will analyze this later. I certainly hope she is out of the gene pool.

The Office Newsletter, With Commentary

Restroom Reminders

Even though the toilets flush automatically, you may feel they need to be flushed a second time.

No, I'm good with the 185 decibel autoflush THAT SCARES CRAP OUT OF ME!

Each toilet has a manual button located on the back behind the seat for you to use. See me if you can’t find it.

If you can't find it then you probably shouldn't be driving. Or doing tax returns.

Please report to either Kimberly or me if the toilets are not flushing automatically as they should be.

Gross. Any chance we can get some reading material?

This could be an indication the battery may need replacing.

Or that someone clogged the damn thing. I live with teenage boys. Enough said.

First the Snuggie. Now This.

What I Had for Dinner Last Night

And Betsy says I take LOST too seriously.

Did Not See THAT Coming

Debbie Jones came by my office this morning and broke into a rousing rendition of "Pants on the Ground."

Was I surprised?

Yeah, just a bit.

Don't Let PETA See This!

Is Nothing Sacred?

My opinions regarding Jihadists are well known (i.e., what's the point of nuclear weapons if you aren't willing to use them?). Many find my position to be over the top and unreconcilable with my demand that we immediately withdraw our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan.

Perhaps.

But when I read something like this I must concede that I am going way to easy on these bastards.

Agents for Britain's MI5 intelligence service have discovered that Muslim doctors trained at some of Britain's leading teaching hospitals have returned to their own countries to fit surgical implants filled with explosives, according to a report from Joseph Farah's G2 Bulletin.

Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaida are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery. The lethal explosives – usually PETN (pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate) – are inserted during the operation inside the plastic shapes. The breast is then sewn up.

Similar surgery has been performed on male suicide bombers. In their cases, the explosives are inserted in the appendix area or in a buttock. Both are parts of the body that diabetics use to inject themselves with their prescribed drugs.

In Which My Life at Home is Revealed

From Betsy's Facebook page:

Betsy Niblick Erickson For sale: globe light fixture for $40. Paid $80 3 years ago. Attaches to most standard ceiling light fixtures. Send me a msg. if you want it!
10 hours ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · Share

Sam Erickson
I'll take it
4 hours ago

Sam Erickson
My adress is 809 foxfield lane in woodland springs. It's right across from al lotts.
4 hours ago

Betsy Niblick Erickson
You are a smartass.

There is nothing on TV on Monday Night

Except Men of a Certain Age. But it comes on at 10. I go to bed at 10.

Because I am of a certain age.

Thank God for DVR. Great Show. You. Must. Watch.

LOST tomorrow. I might wet my pants. Very excited

Modern Family on Wednesday. Awesome show. Very funny; well written.

Thursday? Community. Well written and funny; great cast. The Office. Enough said, shark jumping or not. Fringe. Love it. Especially Dr. Bishop.

Jurgen Prochtnow just killed his son on 24. Jurgen is a bad ass. But cruel. Especially in BeerFest.

Jack Bauer is wearing glasses this season. I think they are TEDS, or as we called them in Special Forces, Tactical Eye Device System. Military issue. Also known as birth control glasses. I have a pair.

Also a vasectomy.

Just in case.

Up. Great Movie. Great. I cried at the 10 minute mark. But Doug made it all worthwhile. And I loved the Kid.

Why has there never been a sitcom about an accounting firm?

Never mind.

You know know what you need to know about TV. Get a drink and watch.

Son of a Bee Sting!

Okay, today at lunch we had a meeting. It was dull. How dull, you ask?

Shannon was staring at her thumbs. It struck me as unusual. Then I realized she was trying to determine if one was longer the other. This kept her busy for a good 37 minutes (not that I was timing her). She looked up at one point to check the clock (it was moving backwards) and noticed I was looking at her. I said, "The right one is longer." She said, "I know. But it's not too obvious, is it?"

Melissa Miller snored so loudly she woke herself up.

Kelly and Becca were counting the green and brown threads in the carpet. I know this because their lips were moving. First one to 11,000 won. I am not saying who won, but Becca got to leave first.

Mark Childress hid behind the tree in the corner. I swear I looked up and he was wearing a pith helmet. The next thing I knew he had blended into the background like in the movie Predator. I was going to say something but he gave me the evil eye. Fortunately I killed a goat this morning.

Mark Brumby-low was asked a question and in his answer he said "like Flav-o-Flav" then realized he had done so and pretended he hadn't. But I could tell several people were interested. Because they woke up.

All in all, pretty damn exciting.