Our crack staff is scouring high school yearbooks as we speak, and you never know who might turn up.
I love this "internet" thing.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tell Me That's Not...Mark King!
Our crack staff is scouring high school yearbooks as we speak, and you never know who might turn up.
I love this "internet" thing.
Leggett Surges Toward the Lead
Former Misfit Connie Leggett, long known for her penchant for picking Big Ten Teams, has jumped into fourth place by choosing Villanova to make it all the way to the Final Four. Should Michigan State beat Louisville today, Leggett will almost certainly clinch the title.
This is Cleepy!
China's hi-tech 'death van' where criminals are executed and then their organs are sold on black market.
There has got to be a Vin Diesel or Jason Statham movie that comes out of this.
Oh wait....
Can't make this stuff up.
There has got to be a Vin Diesel or Jason Statham movie that comes out of this.
Oh wait....
Can't make this stuff up.
California. Land of Idiots.
Drunken motorcyclist hits wild boars on state highway.
Paralyzed.
Sue California. Obviously it's the state's fault.
State attorneys foolishly argue that they can't control wild animals, and, uh, HE WAS DRUNK.
Silly state attorneys!
Jury awards him $8.6MM.
Government of the people, by the people and for the people.
Normally I want to shoot the lawyers. This time I'd settle for shooting the jury.
Paralyzed.
Sue California. Obviously it's the state's fault.
State attorneys foolishly argue that they can't control wild animals, and, uh, HE WAS DRUNK.
Silly state attorneys!
Jury awards him $8.6MM.
Government of the people, by the people and for the people.
Normally I want to shoot the lawyers. This time I'd settle for shooting the jury.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Two Most Despicable and Dangerous People in America
In case you were wondering, Octomom finished fifth and OJ eleventh in the unscientific (but accurate!) poll.
I Know It's Blasphemous to Many
But Daniel Craig is the best Bond ever.
Sorry, Mr. Connery, but he's got better scripts and doesn't need as many gadgets.
Sorry, Mr. Connery, but he's got better scripts and doesn't need as many gadgets.
Not So Secret Facts Anout Your Co-Workers
Phyllis Hodge is NOT a secret Tony Stewart fan. She's a secret Carl Edwards fan. Asked why she can't like Edwards openly, Phyllis tells me "because he drives a FORD!"
Debbie Jones and Phyllis Hodge are participating in Dancing with the Stars and American Idol pools, respectively. Looks like they have finally outgrown Dungeons and Dragons. And that's a good thing.
Jake Hutchison is training for an MMA career.
Amy Holley recently had a 32 minute conversation with a life-size cardboard cut-out of John Krasinski at Blockbuster.
Randy Tindell is the WWF's Rey Mysterio.
In 1980, Angela Sparks played a dancing mermaid on The Love Boat. "That was the first job I ever had" she says. "I returned to college to finish my accounting degree after that, but it was fun. I really enjoyed meeting Gopher."
As a child, Bill Kelso wore tap shoes to bed.
Marianne Nichols' uncle wrote the song "Wild Thing" after baby-sitting Marianne for his brother.
Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown, thus explaining a great deal about his relationship with Meredith.
When he was little, Adam Tinker asked his mom for a dog and she tested him by making him walk an imaginary pup for a week. Unfortunately, the imaginary dog ran away while he was at school one day.
Kelly Fitzpatrick was a stand-in for one of the Olsen twins during season 1 of Full House.
Greg Gilbert holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds.
Debbie Jones and Phyllis Hodge are participating in Dancing with the Stars and American Idol pools, respectively. Looks like they have finally outgrown Dungeons and Dragons. And that's a good thing.
Jake Hutchison is training for an MMA career.
Amy Holley recently had a 32 minute conversation with a life-size cardboard cut-out of John Krasinski at Blockbuster.
Randy Tindell is the WWF's Rey Mysterio.
In 1980, Angela Sparks played a dancing mermaid on The Love Boat. "That was the first job I ever had" she says. "I returned to college to finish my accounting degree after that, but it was fun. I really enjoyed meeting Gopher."
As a child, Bill Kelso wore tap shoes to bed.
Marianne Nichols' uncle wrote the song "Wild Thing" after baby-sitting Marianne for his brother.
Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown, thus explaining a great deal about his relationship with Meredith.
When he was little, Adam Tinker asked his mom for a dog and she tested him by making him walk an imaginary pup for a week. Unfortunately, the imaginary dog ran away while he was at school one day.
Kelly Fitzpatrick was a stand-in for one of the Olsen twins during season 1 of Full House.
Greg Gilbert holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds.
Quickbooks...Uh, If by "Quick" you mean really slow
Tried to get on Quickbooks on the terminal server this am (with Kelly's "help").
Took 11 minutes to load.
I think they should rename it.
Took 11 minutes to load.
I think they should rename it.
Anger Issues?
Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
Step on your son's foot and he hurls a full can of soda at your head.
Probably Had Memphis, Duke and Syracuse in the Final Four.
Step on your son's foot and he hurls a full can of soda at your head.
Probably Had Memphis, Duke and Syracuse in the Final Four.
Name That Office !
A. Kathy Seagrist
B. Seagrist (Debbie has never called her Kathy and may not know her first name)
C. All of the above
Rare Footage Mini-Farah Fawcett
And yes, that's Mark King, who started his career as a jaw double model, who is really getting the shave.
Irby, Team McGowan Surge Towards Lead
Knoxville (AP) - Clay "Multiple Entry" Irby has overcome a sluggish start to post a perfect Elite Eight, and now finds himself alone in sixth place with an excellent shot of correctly guessing all four final four teams. Our field reporter Mark Worthington caught up with the Clayster early this morning.
MW: Sixth? I don't believe it.
CI: I know. Pretty impressive, huh? The South and Midwest killed. If I had gotten all the games I missed I'd be in first place.
MW:
CI: My nose is bleeding.
MW: That's because you are so high in the standings and you aren't used to the altitude.
CI:
MW: Or you're on the island with the Lost cast. If the latter, will please ask Juliet (who is quite the babe) what the hell is going on? No one ever asks her any questions but clearly she knows a lot more than she is saying.
CI: Is there a billing code for that?
Team McGowan remains perched in second and third place, respectively, the strongest showing in tournament history by a married couple. Reporter John Bailes had a chance to speak to the young couple.
JB: Gosh darn it! How are you beating me?
MM: Pretty simple really: More cowbell.
JB: Some have suggested that if the standings remain where they are you might qualify as a Biggest Loser winning couple.
WM: Who said that?
JB: One guess.
MM: Grrrrrrrrr.
JB: If you win is there any idea how you'll spend the winnings?
MM: Big "if" - but I think it'll go towards shoes.
WM: Good answer.
MM: That's what you told me to say. Now can I go watch Superbad?
MW: Sixth? I don't believe it.
CI: I know. Pretty impressive, huh? The South and Midwest killed. If I had gotten all the games I missed I'd be in first place.
MW:
CI: My nose is bleeding.
MW: That's because you are so high in the standings and you aren't used to the altitude.
CI:
MW: Or you're on the island with the Lost cast. If the latter, will please ask Juliet (who is quite the babe) what the hell is going on? No one ever asks her any questions but clearly she knows a lot more than she is saying.
CI: Is there a billing code for that?
Team McGowan remains perched in second and third place, respectively, the strongest showing in tournament history by a married couple. Reporter John Bailes had a chance to speak to the young couple.
JB: Gosh darn it! How are you beating me?
MM: Pretty simple really: More cowbell.
JB: Some have suggested that if the standings remain where they are you might qualify as a Biggest Loser winning couple.
WM: Who said that?
JB: One guess.
MM: Grrrrrrrrr.
JB: If you win is there any idea how you'll spend the winnings?
MM: Big "if" - but I think it'll go towards shoes.
WM: Good answer.
MM: That's what you told me to say. Now can I go watch Superbad?
Friday, March 27, 2009
This Just In - But Not From Vegas
Dear Greg,
I am almost certainly NOT one of the Blue Man Group. Also, I'd like to point out I am in FIFTH place in the tournament. That's a pretty strong showing given the many demands on my time. That's much better than Bob Freeman or John Gargis, neither of whom I have seen since last night.
Sincerely,
Danny
I am almost certainly NOT one of the Blue Man Group. Also, I'd like to point out I am in FIFTH place in the tournament. That's a pretty strong showing given the many demands on my time. That's much better than Bob Freeman or John Gargis, neither of whom I have seen since last night.
Sincerely,
Danny
Johhny B!
Nice Effort.
But West Virginia in the Final Four?
I. Think. Not.
We may have to start requiring a urinalysis for some of you people.
But West Virginia in the Final Four?
I. Think. Not.
We may have to start requiring a urinalysis for some of you people.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
These Were Our Secret Facts From Last Year
Mark King was the understudy to Billy Mummy on Lassie
Anita Brown's maiden name is Black
Debbie Jones once considered hyphenating her first name
Todd Bealer knows a guy who knows a guy who went to college with the guy featured in the Coor's Light ads that feature that song with the refrain, "...and TWINS."
There is no truth to the rumor that John Bailes worked for the postal service during high school
If you look up the phrase "%^$t-eating grin" on the internet you will find Josh Wiley's picture.
Steven Schoolfield's best friend as a child was Allen Iverson
As a child, Heather Luttrell threw up on former President Carter
Phyllis Hodge is secretly a fan of Tony Stewart
Greg Gilbert once hit a cat with a lawn dart
Jim McCollum's nickname in high school was "Buzz"
Kathy Seagrist once drove over the speed limit
Can't wait to see what we learn this year. I'm hoping for something related to pregnancy myself.
Anita Brown's maiden name is Black
Debbie Jones once considered hyphenating her first name
Todd Bealer knows a guy who knows a guy who went to college with the guy featured in the Coor's Light ads that feature that song with the refrain, "...and TWINS."
There is no truth to the rumor that John Bailes worked for the postal service during high school
If you look up the phrase "%^$t-eating grin" on the internet you will find Josh Wiley's picture.
Steven Schoolfield's best friend as a child was Allen Iverson
As a child, Heather Luttrell threw up on former President Carter
Phyllis Hodge is secretly a fan of Tony Stewart
Greg Gilbert once hit a cat with a lawn dart
Jim McCollum's nickname in high school was "Buzz"
Kathy Seagrist once drove over the speed limit
Can't wait to see what we learn this year. I'm hoping for something related to pregnancy myself.
Looks Like it's Koschai the Deathless
The Death of Koschei the Deathless is definitely the fan favorite for my children's book.
And by "fan," well, you know who you are.
I don't.
And by "fan," well, you know who you are.
I don't.
It's Just a Flesh Wound!
Who brings a samurai sword to a pub?
I am guessing the fight looked something like this:
A MAN who had just had his hand severed with a samurai sword punched his attacker in the face with the stump, a court heard yesterday.
Charles Russell (28), of Whitechapel Road, Dublin 15 was remanded in custody pending sentence after pleading guilty to intentionally or recklessly causing Peter Rogers serious harm at The Deputy Mayor Pub, Meekstown on January 13, 2008.
I am guessing the fight looked something like this:
A Confederacy of Dunces
Fortunately they are in Sweden.
Let's review. Policeman discovers convicted pedophile planning to open a center for disabled youth. Policeman points out this may not be such a good idea. Policeman fined for defamation.
Yet people wonder why we have problems in the world.
I'll use this opportunity to remind everyone that almost 400 YEARS AGO no less an authority than Williams Shakespeare wrote, "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers."
We never learn, do we?
A Swedish police officer who blew the whistle on a convicted paedophile’s plans to start a youth education centre has been fined for defamation.
In the summer of 2007, policeman Kent Eriksen met the man in question and later learned that he had been sent to prison for molesting a 13-year-old boy.
Eriksen subsequently heard through an acquaintance that the same man was planning to open the education centre for young people.
Altogether, the convicted paedophile had received about 6 million kronor ($743,000) from the fund to launch an education centre for young people with special needs.
According to the Expressen newspaper, the man had been convicted for luring a 13-year-old boy from a public swimming pool with the promise of a chance to ride on the man’s motorcycle.
The man then took the boy to his home and sexually molested him. In the coming months, the man took the boy to his home and several occasions, where he had both oral and anal sex with the boy.
When police raided the man’s home, they found pictures of child pornography in the man’s computer as well as pornographic videos featuring children.
The man claimed the boy was lying about the abuse and that the child pornography in the apartment wasn’t his, but the court rejected the man’s claims.
While government officials were thankful to receive the police officer’s tip, and consequently cut off funding for the project, Eriksen’s attempt to be a Good Samaritan resulted in charges of defamation.
“Viewed objectively, therefore, it was not justifiable to bring the conviction to the attention of the Inheritance Fund,” wrote the court.
Eriksen was ordered to pay a total of 80,000 kronor, including attorney fees, compensation to the paedophile, interest, and a fine of 48,000 kronor.
Let's review. Policeman discovers convicted pedophile planning to open a center for disabled youth. Policeman points out this may not be such a good idea. Policeman fined for defamation.
Yet people wonder why we have problems in the world.
I'll use this opportunity to remind everyone that almost 400 YEARS AGO no less an authority than Williams Shakespeare wrote, "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers."
We never learn, do we?
Are They THE Blue Men?
John Gargis.
Bob Freemen.
Danny Pressley.
Discuss. But ask yourself this: have you ever been to Vegas with any of these guys?
I rest my case.
Bob Freemen.
Danny Pressley.
Discuss. But ask yourself this: have you ever been to Vegas with any of these guys?
I rest my case.
The Headline Says It All
Blundering Afghan Suicide Bomber Blows Up 6 Militants
First, good job!
Second, if you're an Islamic suicide bomber trying to blow up soldiers, but instead blow your buddies up, do you still go to Paradise?
Or do they prorate it so you only get 12 ugly virgins instead of the regular 72 hot ones?
Discuss.
First, good job!
Second, if you're an Islamic suicide bomber trying to blow up soldiers, but instead blow your buddies up, do you still go to Paradise?
Or do they prorate it so you only get 12 ugly virgins instead of the regular 72 hot ones?
Discuss.
Not making this up
Glad I didn't Go To College in Canada.
What kind of college has a steam room?
Who brings a knife into a steam room, just in case he needs to stab someone?
These and other mysteries have now been resolved.
Canadians are weird.
What kind of college has a steam room?
Who brings a knife into a steam room, just in case he needs to stab someone?
These and other mysteries have now been resolved.
Canadians are weird.
Dude, Where's My White House?
Did. Not. See. This. Coming.
It's not like there are any big issues facing the country or anything.
When the White House put out a call for town hall questions, it might not have been expecting this.
The more than 92,000 people who responded either have Cheech and Chong senses of humor or there is a deep concern in America — undetected by the media — about the decriminalization of marijuana, its possible use for medicinal purposes and its potential as a new source of tax revenue.
Given the opportunity to say what’s really on their minds without going through the filter of the mainstream media, people “buzzed up” a series of questions that seemed to suggest broad interest in legalizing marijuana and taxing it.
It's not like there are any big issues facing the country or anything.
This Just In
I never would have guessed it.
You know, that gives me an idea! It's kind of crazy, but it just might work. What if we organized our whole society around the principle that hard work would be rewarded?
Nah. Lottery tickets and reality TV are probably better long term options.
Many people assume that superior intelligence or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an overemphasis on intellect or talent—and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed—leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
You know, that gives me an idea! It's kind of crazy, but it just might work. What if we organized our whole society around the principle that hard work would be rewarded?
Nah. Lottery tickets and reality TV are probably better long term options.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
That Nutty Obama!
Let me see if I get this straight.
Obama says we have to get health care costs under control in order to have prosperity. Okay. Nobody, not even the doctors, really likes the current health care system.
The answer, as he said last night, is a national health care system. If we have that, then everything will be rosy.
Except for the fact that Europe already has nationalized health care and its financial troubles are worse than ours, I'd say it's a good plan.
Obama says we have to get health care costs under control in order to have prosperity. Okay. Nobody, not even the doctors, really likes the current health care system.
The answer, as he said last night, is a national health care system. If we have that, then everything will be rosy.
Except for the fact that Europe already has nationalized health care and its financial troubles are worse than ours, I'd say it's a good plan.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
In Which I Recall Moments from My Past
When the boys were little I used to make up stories to tell them at bedtime. I had this whole alternate history version of "Where the Wild Things Are" in which the creatures were Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Jesse Jackson, et al.
I still think I woiuld like to retire and write children's stories because so many suck these days. (Ever read "Everyone Poops"? Enough said.)
Children stories are supposed to have sharp edges and teach harsh lessons. None of this kuumbaya can't we all get along crap.
Anyway, I was researching some story lines over the weekend, and I need your help. Which story should I write, based on the title?
1. The Adventures of Covan the Brown-haired
2. Asmund and Signy
3. Beauty and Pock Face
4. The Death of Koschei the Deathless
5. The Enchanted Pig
6. The Giant Who Had Yes, Yes in his Eyes But No Nose on his Face
These are all real stories, of course But if you copy one guy, it's plagiarism. Copy seven guys and it's research.
I still think I woiuld like to retire and write children's stories because so many suck these days. (Ever read "Everyone Poops"? Enough said.)
Children stories are supposed to have sharp edges and teach harsh lessons. None of this kuumbaya can't we all get along crap.
Anyway, I was researching some story lines over the weekend, and I need your help. Which story should I write, based on the title?
1. The Adventures of Covan the Brown-haired
2. Asmund and Signy
3. Beauty and Pock Face
4. The Death of Koschei the Deathless
5. The Enchanted Pig
6. The Giant Who Had Yes, Yes in his Eyes But No Nose on his Face
These are all real stories, of course But if you copy one guy, it's plagiarism. Copy seven guys and it's research.
Not Making This Up, Either
Senior Harvard economist recommends that drugs be legalized.
He also states that he could really go for a burrito right now and he has a song on his iPod that you totally have to listen to.
He also states that he could really go for a burrito right now and he has a song on his iPod that you totally have to listen to.
Gross
People (well, mostly Kelly) are always asking "Where do you find this stuff?"
They think I make it up. But I can't make it up. Well, I could, but I don't. Not usually.
The West Michigan Whitecaps recently announced their new concession items for 2009, and this list is indeed highlighted by a $20 hamburger. Believe it or not, this burger is actually a good value: it weighs 5/3rds of a pound, and can feed a family of four!
The "Fifth Third Burger" (so-called because the Whitecaps play in Fifth Third Ballpark) is 5/3 pounds of grilled hamburger topped with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. Saddled with the heroic task of holding it all together is an eight-inch sesame seed bun.
Feeds a family of four....or one Michigander.
Remids of KFC's classic "Bowl'o Crap." We start with a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn and loaded with bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken. Then we drizzle it all with our signature home-style gravy and top it off with a shredded three-cheese blend. Then we add fries, tater tots and, of course, catsup. We top it off with a delicious frozen dairy treat and some whipped cream, and it's all your favorite flavors coming together in one meal! (Subject to availability of other crap)
MMMMMMM! I think death row is more appealing.
Don't dogs eat like this?
Sgt. Hulka
That's who we need.
As our national big toe.
And every time Obama told us how bad it was going to be, he'd say:
As our national big toe.
And every time Obama told us how bad it was going to be, he'd say:
Rare Footage....
...of me after the last partner meeting. That's our own Greg Gilbert trying to talk me down.
History Repeats Itself
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a fisherman in a boat below.
She shouted to him,'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the water elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.' 'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'
This joke is from the 1950s.
She shouted to him,'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the water elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.' 'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'
This joke is from the 1950s.
Monday, March 23, 2009
My Advice Column
Dear Greg:
I always get nervous when I go on a date. My friends always tell me to just be myself. What do you think?
Bob
Dear Bob:
I know who you are and whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
I always get nervous when I go on a date. My friends always tell me to just be myself. What do you think?
Bob
Dear Bob:
I know who you are and whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Recap (Not for the Faint of Heart)
We may not make SportsCenter's Top Ten Recap, but this isn't cable. Speaking of those who have hit rock bottom and continued to dig....
10. Having apparently tuned to ESPN2 by mistake, Kelly Fitzpatrick thought this was the ESPN Wrestling Championship. Only explanation for her abysmal showing.
9. Todd Bealer is now officially available for organ donation.
8. Dave Young, who keeps a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car on his desk, glibly noted that "You can't have everything. There isn't that much space in my office for storage anyway."
7. Steve Richards, we reject your challenge. You are no challenge. Seriously.
6. Mark King. Obviously distracted by thoughts of cattle breeding as he made his picks.
5. Traveling at the speed of dark we find longtime reader Allison Pressley mired in 28th place. Allison responds: "If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?"
4. So deep is his shame that former champion Glenn "The second 'N' is silent" Sharp is considering adding an 'e' to the end of his name.
3. Christie Knapper blames it all on her pregnancy. "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
2. Andrew Hartung was philosophic about his bracket, noting "I think I'll try skydiving next year, because if at first you don't succeed...."
And at the top of our list is the always surprising Jill Green, who has dominated early but is doomed to fail like an Obama cabinet nomination because she picked Oklahoma State to win it all. Proving once again that the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
10. Having apparently tuned to ESPN2 by mistake, Kelly Fitzpatrick thought this was the ESPN Wrestling Championship. Only explanation for her abysmal showing.
9. Todd Bealer is now officially available for organ donation.
8. Dave Young, who keeps a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car on his desk, glibly noted that "You can't have everything. There isn't that much space in my office for storage anyway."
7. Steve Richards, we reject your challenge. You are no challenge. Seriously.
6. Mark King. Obviously distracted by thoughts of cattle breeding as he made his picks.
5. Traveling at the speed of dark we find longtime reader Allison Pressley mired in 28th place. Allison responds: "If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?"
4. So deep is his shame that former champion Glenn "The second 'N' is silent" Sharp is considering adding an 'e' to the end of his name.
3. Christie Knapper blames it all on her pregnancy. "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
2. Andrew Hartung was philosophic about his bracket, noting "I think I'll try skydiving next year, because if at first you don't succeed...."
And at the top of our list is the always surprising Jill Green, who has dominated early but is doomed to fail like an Obama cabinet nomination because she picked Oklahoma State to win it all. Proving once again that the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
So Where Are We
Team McGowan has rocked the muffin so far. Very impressive. Our field correspondent Leigh Anne Joseph caught up with IT couple late last night.
LAJ: I don't know what I am supposed to say.
MM: Just kneel before our collective greatness.
LAJ:
MM: We're going all the way this year.
LAJ: Aren't you, you know, like reigning supreme at number two?.
WM: Fair point. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
MM: No cheese! Damn it, Whitney!
LAJ: You know what they say about being number 2, right? As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
MM: Or Kites!
LAJ: Something like that anyway.
LAJ: I don't know what I am supposed to say.
MM: Just kneel before our collective greatness.
LAJ:
MM: We're going all the way this year.
LAJ: Aren't you, you know, like reigning supreme at number two?.
WM: Fair point. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
MM: No cheese! Damn it, Whitney!
LAJ: You know what they say about being number 2, right? As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
MM: Or Kites!
LAJ: Something like that anyway.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
It's Pretty Easy Being Green.
Jill Green.
8 for 8.
I think it is a sign of the Apocalypse.
Only explanation.
8 for 8.
I think it is a sign of the Apocalypse.
Only explanation.
So Danny, What Do You Think?
C: We are here with Danny "Rick Astley" Pressley. Danny, let's start with a tough one. The Committee said "no change." You brought change (4 quarters). Why?
DP: Never gonna give you up...
C: I see.
DP: Never gonna let you down...
C: Does Allison know?
DP: About what?
C: Dude. You've got Villanova in the Sweet 16.
DP: I was working on my billing.
C: I feel your pain.
DP: Never gonna give you up...
C: I see.
DP: Never gonna let you down...
C: Does Allison know?
DP: About what?
C: Dude. You've got Villanova in the Sweet 16.
DP: I was working on my billing.
C: I feel your pain.
Pitts Seen As Early Leader
C: You are off to a great start? To what do you attribute your success?
AP:
C: You look a lot like the actor Jeremy Davies.
AP:
C: Not very talkative, are you?
AP:
C: Surprising. The rumor in audit is that you are quite the trash talker.
AP: Who are you?
Wow
Danny Pressley came by to drop off his entry fee (and Allison's winning bracket) and he says to me, for no apparent reason:
WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZ UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?
WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZ UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?
Can You Feel It?
We are mere hours away from the start of March Madness.
The most wonderful time of the year.
We have got some very special interviews this year. Stay tuned.
The most wonderful time of the year.
We have got some very special interviews this year. Stay tuned.
Some Things Never Change
The invitation to play this year's tournament explicitly states "No Change Will Be Accepted. You know who you are."
Yet no less than five participants have tendered change for their entry fee.
Apparently they did not know who they were, which leads me to wonder if they are always so stupid or if today a special occasion?
Yet no less than five participants have tendered change for their entry fee.
Apparently they did not know who they were, which leads me to wonder if they are always so stupid or if today a special occasion?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
You Know What I HATE?
American Idol. A bunch of DBs judging other DBs.
Also, it's Erik Estrada's 60th birthday. No point, just thought I'd throw that out there.
I'd rather watch CHiPs re-runs than American Idol. You know what a good ChiPs episode would be: if they busted Pauler for DUI and Simon for being an ass.
Also, it's Erik Estrada's 60th birthday. No point, just thought I'd throw that out there.
I'd rather watch CHiPs re-runs than American Idol. You know what a good ChiPs episode would be: if they busted Pauler for DUI and Simon for being an ass.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wow! Rough Start For Some
Someone once said that a half-wit had given her a piece of his mind, and she held on to it.
Judging by her bracket, that someone was Amy Holley.
Judging by her bracket, that someone was Amy Holley.
I Guess This is Like Facebook in Australia
Guy puts up fliers like this all over town hoping to meet chicks. But not chicks who like cheese or kites!
Why I Will Never Understand Politics
Christine Romer is the head of Obama's Council of Economic Advisers and is generally well-regarded among economists. ABC News offers the following:
Which is fine. But what really gets me is that Romer, an authority on the Depression, has written extensively on the six lessons distilled from the era. Gave a speech on the subject last Monday, in fact.
Wouldn't it be nice if the Obama Administration didn't disregard every single lesson? Guess they're just smarter than the rest of us.
Also this afternoon, fielding questions from the audience after her speech, Romer defended the administration's ambitious decision to undertake healthcare reform at the same time as they wrestle with the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.
"A bit of me says maybe the middle of a crisis is the right time as we're all focused on the economy, we know the problems that we face," she said. "Maybe this is the time we can all pull together and actually get it done."
But one thing Romer would not do today is be drawn out on any flaws in the stimulus plan...
"You want me to tell you what's wrong with the fiscal stimulus package?" she responded incredulously to a questioner. "SO not going to do that!"
Which is fine. But what really gets me is that Romer, an authority on the Depression, has written extensively on the six lessons distilled from the era. Gave a speech on the subject last Monday, in fact.
Wouldn't it be nice if the Obama Administration didn't disregard every single lesson? Guess they're just smarter than the rest of us.
Wouldn't It Be Cool
If Osama bin Laden released a new tape in which he announced that he too has broken up with Jennifer Anniston.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Early Responses to Bracket Invitations
Debbie Jones: "You had me at 'you are cordially invited'..."
Sandy Richards: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a computer screen with my bracket on it, asking it to let me win so Steve will shut up about winning last year."
Steve Richards: "I won last year?"
Ben Alexander: "Yippy-ki-ay *&^%#@()!#@."
Besty: "What are you doing? You're not on my Facebook page again, are you?"
Sam Erickson: "Dad, you're weird."
Stacy Schuettler: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Glenn (the second n is silent): "Not this again."
Mark King: "I'm going to need a bigger bracket."
John Bailes: "I love the smell of brackets in the morning..."
Clay Irby: "I know what you're thinking. Did I fill out six brackets or only five this year? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is the unofficial LBMC NCAA March Madness Tournament, the most powerful such tournament in the world, and would blow your head clean off, I've got to ask myself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do I... punk?"
Sandy Richards: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a computer screen with my bracket on it, asking it to let me win so Steve will shut up about winning last year."
Steve Richards: "I won last year?"
Ben Alexander: "Yippy-ki-ay *&^%#@()!#@."
Besty: "What are you doing? You're not on my Facebook page again, are you?"
Sam Erickson: "Dad, you're weird."
Stacy Schuettler: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Glenn (the second n is silent): "Not this again."
Mark King: "I'm going to need a bigger bracket."
John Bailes: "I love the smell of brackets in the morning..."
Clay Irby: "I know what you're thinking. Did I fill out six brackets or only five this year? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is the unofficial LBMC NCAA March Madness Tournament, the most powerful such tournament in the world, and would blow your head clean off, I've got to ask myself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do I... punk?"
Real Life Fiction - From the "You Can't Make this Up" Series
I handle bills for some clients. Recently I got a bill in the mail from a pest control service for $6.48.
The bill was printed on bright yellow paper, the kind you can only legally use for past due notices or making a cut out of the sun for your science project in grade school. I noticed that $2 of the $6.32 was a late charge. This was surprising to me for two reasons: First, I had never seen a bill that was more than 30% late fees. And second, I fired the pest control service several months ago because the doctor said the spraying was unhealthy for my client, who is up there in years.
Immediately thereafter the company politely notified me they were raising their rate. In response, I politely notified them that I had already lowered their rate in that I was no longer going to pay them to come out.
They responded, in essence, “Oh, when we said we were going to raise your rate, we meant, ‘unless you complain about us raising the rate.’ Which you did, so, um, can we keep coming out and charging you the same old rate?”
To which I responded, “No.”
Well, as you would expect, this ended the matter. I mean, until the pest control guy showed up next month. He called me when he got there and I told him, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I canceled your service.”
“Really?” he said.
“Yeah, I canceled. Then they offered to do it at the old rate but I still said no.”
“Hmmm, okay,” he said. “I’ll have to check with the office.”
And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until the guy showed up again a few days later and said, “Okay, I talked to the office and they agreed to do the service for the old rate.”
“Yeah, they already offered that,” I told him. “I said no.”
“Really?” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until I got a bill in the mail for $6.48.
By the time I opened the bright yellow bill, I was beginning to wonder whether there was some kind of service you could hire to track down and kill a pest control service (or any service) that won’t leave you alone. (Note to self: BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY HERE!) There was no way I was going to pay that bill; I figured that paying them would just encourage the guy to show up again. So I ignored the bill and that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until the guy showed up again.
Once again I told him that I had already informed his company on three separate occasions that my client would no longer be requiring their services. After the guy sheepishly left, I called the company and told them to please stop sending the guy out. The girl who answered the phone told me that “the person who handles that isn’t in right now.”
By every indication, in fact, that person had not been in for some time.
“The person who handles what?” I asked.“Taking messages that say ‘PLEASE STOP COMING?"
If sticking a Post-It note to your boss’s monitor is beyond your capabilities, then why are you even answering the phone? What types of situations are you empowered to handle?
So I left a voicemail message saying to please cancel the service and stop sending the guy to spray, and if they had any questions they could call me.
And that, I expect, is that.
The bill was printed on bright yellow paper, the kind you can only legally use for past due notices or making a cut out of the sun for your science project in grade school. I noticed that $2 of the $6.32 was a late charge. This was surprising to me for two reasons: First, I had never seen a bill that was more than 30% late fees. And second, I fired the pest control service several months ago because the doctor said the spraying was unhealthy for my client, who is up there in years.
Immediately thereafter the company politely notified me they were raising their rate. In response, I politely notified them that I had already lowered their rate in that I was no longer going to pay them to come out.
They responded, in essence, “Oh, when we said we were going to raise your rate, we meant, ‘unless you complain about us raising the rate.’ Which you did, so, um, can we keep coming out and charging you the same old rate?”
To which I responded, “No.”
Well, as you would expect, this ended the matter. I mean, until the pest control guy showed up next month. He called me when he got there and I told him, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I canceled your service.”
“Really?” he said.
“Yeah, I canceled. Then they offered to do it at the old rate but I still said no.”
“Hmmm, okay,” he said. “I’ll have to check with the office.”
And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until the guy showed up again a few days later and said, “Okay, I talked to the office and they agreed to do the service for the old rate.”
“Yeah, they already offered that,” I told him. “I said no.”
“Really?” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
And that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until I got a bill in the mail for $6.48.
By the time I opened the bright yellow bill, I was beginning to wonder whether there was some kind of service you could hire to track down and kill a pest control service (or any service) that won’t leave you alone. (Note to self: BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY HERE!) There was no way I was going to pay that bill; I figured that paying them would just encourage the guy to show up again. So I ignored the bill and that, as you would expect, was the end of it.
Until the guy showed up again.
Once again I told him that I had already informed his company on three separate occasions that my client would no longer be requiring their services. After the guy sheepishly left, I called the company and told them to please stop sending the guy out. The girl who answered the phone told me that “the person who handles that isn’t in right now.”
By every indication, in fact, that person had not been in for some time.
“The person who handles what?” I asked.“Taking messages that say ‘PLEASE STOP COMING?"
If sticking a Post-It note to your boss’s monitor is beyond your capabilities, then why are you even answering the phone? What types of situations are you empowered to handle?
So I left a voicemail message saying to please cancel the service and stop sending the guy to spray, and if they had any questions they could call me.
And that, I expect, is that.
Memories
Once I went to shake someone's Coke as a prank.
Then I realized it was already open.
That was a bad prank.
Then I realized it was already open.
That was a bad prank.
Anne McKinney Watch
This is either Knoxville's own Anne McKinney or a really good Saturday Night Live parody.
okay, it's not that good.
okay, it's not that good.
Alec Baldwin Update
I like Alec Baldwin, because I think he can be very funny. I detest his politics, but since he moved to Canada....oh wait, he never followed thru on that. Nevermind.
Anyway, this is a prime example of why the left frustrates me so. (Okay, everyone frustrates me, but especially lefties.)
Gee, Alec, all I ever hear is "cut taxes, cut taxes, cut taxes." You going Republican on me, dude?
See, Hollywood is just like every other business in the country...they are in business to make money.
This makes BIG CORPORATIONS evil. Just not Hollywood corporations.
You can't make this stuff.
Well, I can. But I'm not.
Anyway, this is a prime example of why the left frustrates me so. (Okay, everyone frustrates me, but especially lefties.)
We're constantly told that taxes don't matter to business and investors, but listen to that noted supply-side economist, Alec Baldwin. The actor recently rebuked New York Governor David Paterson for threatening to try to help close the state's $7 billion budget deficit by canceling a 35% tax credit for films shot in the Big Apple.
"I'm telling you right now," Mr. Baldwin declared, "if these tax breaks are not reinstated into the budget, film production in this town is going to collapse, and television is going to collapse and it's all going to go to California." Well, well. Apparently taxes do matter, at least when it comes to filming "30 Rock" in Manhattan.
Believe it or not, Mr. Baldwin's views are shared across the movie industry, which is pleading in state capitals across the country for most-favored-tax status. Hollywood productions are highly mobile and can film just about anywhere. So they have taken to shopping around the country -- and the world -- for the most lucrative tax avoidance deal.
Gee, Alec, all I ever hear is "cut taxes, cut taxes, cut taxes." You going Republican on me, dude?
See, Hollywood is just like every other business in the country...they are in business to make money.
This makes BIG CORPORATIONS evil. Just not Hollywood corporations.
You can't make this stuff.
Well, I can. But I'm not.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
This Just In
The man who created Bozo the Clown has died.
His obituary also notes he signed a group known as "The Beatles" while President of Capitol Records.
But his headline reads "Creator of Bozo the Clown" has died.
Okay, whatever.
Bozo was from Chicago. You know who else is from Chicago? Blajojevich the Clown.
And Barack the Clown. Is there a connection? I report, you decide.
Clowns really are scary.
Especially Pennywise from It.
Nah, on second thought, Obama is scarier.
His obituary also notes he signed a group known as "The Beatles" while President of Capitol Records.
But his headline reads "Creator of Bozo the Clown" has died.
Okay, whatever.
Bozo was from Chicago. You know who else is from Chicago? Blajojevich the Clown.
And Barack the Clown. Is there a connection? I report, you decide.
Clowns really are scary.
Especially Pennywise from It.
Nah, on second thought, Obama is scarier.
Understatement
Apparently it's not a good idea to pound on bullets in your driveway with a hammer.
Who knew?
And you've got to love this throwaway line:
Now I understand how the DBs we call Congress get elected.
Who knew?
And you've got to love this throwaway line:
The event was reportedly witnessed by several children belonging to Dugger's roommate, who was already under investigation by the Department of Children and Families for inadequate supervision of the children.
Now I understand how the DBs we call Congress get elected.
This Day in History
15 years ago today, v1.0 of the Linux kernel was released. It is now used daily by almost 300 people worldwide.
This is from Wikipedia so it must be true.
This is from Wikipedia so it must be true.
Chris Brown and Rhianna Reunited
And they are, of course, planning to release their version of "Hit Me Baby One More Time."
I only know who Chris Brown and Rhianna are because I watch hard news like the Today show.
They're DBs too.
I only know who Chris Brown and Rhianna are because I watch hard news like the Today show.
They're DBs too.
In Which I Remember Play-Doh
For reasons unknown to me, while I was at the dentist last week getting a root canal I could have sworn they were using Play-Doh to fill the hole in my tooth. Play-Doh has this really unique smell.
You remember the smell don't you?
Well, guess what? As a service to my reader I am pleased to announce that if you too crave the smell of childhood you can now buy Play-Doh the perfume.
What will they think of next?
You remember the smell don't you?
Well, guess what? As a service to my reader I am pleased to announce that if you too crave the smell of childhood you can now buy Play-Doh the perfume.
What will they think of next?
This Just Goes Too Far
You know who came up with this idea, don't you? DON'T THEY KNOW THAT TATTOOS CAN KILL YOU? (Check it Out. Not making this up.)
That's right.
A DB.
This idea is so bad that I'll bet it's even beneath Lindsay Lohan. And there isn't anything that is beneath Lindsay Lohan.
Seymour Hersh is a DB
You'll often hear this total DB on NPR or making the rounds on talking head TV shows, and he always has a sensational announcement of some sort designed to garner maximum publicity. Kind of like a short, bald and old Ann Coulter.
I have long despised this bastard, and here is why:
This DB is a MAJOR MEDIA FIGURE (even though you may not know his name, I guarantee you've heard him on TV), and many people not only believe him - they think his word is gospel truth. Yet he is open about the fact that he doesn't give a damn about the truth if it contradicts his agenda or tends to disprove that which he is trying to prove.
Typical media personality. Not the exception, but the norm.
So he's our DB of the day.
I have long despised this bastard, and here is why:
"I‘m not interested in history because I'm trying to change things."
This DB is a MAJOR MEDIA FIGURE (even though you may not know his name, I guarantee you've heard him on TV), and many people not only believe him - they think his word is gospel truth. Yet he is open about the fact that he doesn't give a damn about the truth if it contradicts his agenda or tends to disprove that which he is trying to prove.
Typical media personality. Not the exception, but the norm.
So he's our DB of the day.
A Definitional Moment
Back in high school a popular put down was "douche bag," a term that is strangely anachronistic yet still manages to effectively conveys that the intended target is especially unpleasant. Recently I have noticed that it has made a resurgence.
If you look in the dictionary you'll find this guy's picture next to the definition of douche bag:
Yes, Keith Olbermann is the prototypical douche bag.
This blog will hereinafter refer to other douche bags as either DBs or Olbermanns.
If you look in the dictionary you'll find this guy's picture next to the definition of douche bag:
Yes, Keith Olbermann is the prototypical douche bag.
This blog will hereinafter refer to other douche bags as either DBs or Olbermanns.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Top Secret Video
Clearly this demonstrates why the Obama Administration will ultimately be successful in solving our nation's problems.
In the alternative, they may actually be a bunch of dumbasses.
This is Advertising (The Way it Was Meant To Be)
Feel the groove. I'm hungry, how about you?
Mrs. Knapper? Get to work.
I Am Totally Running For Office...
....if I get to make a commercial like this!
This is so awesome. I mean, this is real!
I wonder if he won.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Best Line of the Week
In other news, after Obama's most recent cabinet nominee's office was raided by the FBI,the Left has finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet.
What a Faker!
Only in soccer would someone take a flop like this. And some folks wonder why soccer has never really caught on in the U.S.
Understanding Basketball Terminology
Reporter: "Are you able to guard Dwight Howard?"
Shaq: "I have four rings. How many does he have?"
Reporter: "[Former Vandy star] Will Perdue has four rings. Does that mean he's as good as you?"
Shaq: "(Bleep) you"
Shaq: "I have four rings. How many does he have?"
Reporter: "[Former Vandy star] Will Perdue has four rings. Does that mean he's as good as you?"
Shaq: "(Bleep) you"
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Brilliant.
Read the whole thing. Now.
And try to remember that there were warning signs. There are always warnings signs. We're usually just too scared to notice.
And try to remember that there were warning signs. There are always warnings signs. We're usually just too scared to notice.
The Irony . Oh, the Irony.
China. That's right, Communist China, has a stimulus package of its own.
And guess what?
It's smaller than ours. A lot smaller.
Ergo conclusion est, Communist China is interfering less in its economy than the United States of America is interfering in its economy. Courtesy of Vodkapundit.
Let freedom ring.
I am pretty sure if Thomas Jefferson, Sam Adams and George Washington were alive today the first thing they would do is beat the %$#@ out of Obama and then proceed to burn the Capitol with every one of those bastards still inside.
And guess what?
It's smaller than ours. A lot smaller.
Ergo conclusion est, Communist China is interfering less in its economy than the United States of America is interfering in its economy. Courtesy of Vodkapundit.
Let freedom ring.
I am pretty sure if Thomas Jefferson, Sam Adams and George Washington were alive today the first thing they would do is beat the %$#@ out of Obama and then proceed to burn the Capitol with every one of those bastards still inside.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
In Which I Solve All of America's Problems
Working on taxes all day makes you think about, well, taxes. This in turn leads me to think about all of the Obama nominees that didn’t pay their taxes. To refresh, here’s the updated scorecard:
* Geithner, Treasury Secretary (confirmed)
* Daschle, HHS Secretary (withdrawn)
* Killefer, “Chief Performance Officer” (withdrawn)
* Solis, Labor Secretary (still nominated)
* Emanuel, Chief of Staff (no confirmation required)
* Kirk, US Trade Representative (still nominated)
And then it occurs to me: A SOLUTION TO ALL OF THE NATION’S PROBLEMS!™
Why don’t we nominate everyone for the Obama cabinet?
Think about it for a second:
1. Unemployment rate: 0%. Sweet!
2. If everyone is employed, they'll have money to buy stuff and pay their mortgage. Housing crisis solved!
3. The Housing crisis led to the banking crisis. All those toxic assets are healthy again. Financial crisis solved!
4. We all work for the government, so we all have health insurance! Health Care Reform? Unnecessary!
5. Here's the really good part: Everyone will have to pay his or her back taxes. This would lead to a huge windfall for the Treasury. Say hello to a balanced budget!! Goodbye massive deficit!
It's so crazy it just might work.
What?
You don't think it will work?
Well, I have one question for you: how is it any more crazy than the ideas Obama has floated so far? I know the guy smoked weed when he was younger. I didn't know he was a stoner. (I’d make a Jeff Spicoli reference but I fear no one would get it.)
* Geithner, Treasury Secretary (confirmed)
* Daschle, HHS Secretary (withdrawn)
* Killefer, “Chief Performance Officer” (withdrawn)
* Solis, Labor Secretary (still nominated)
* Emanuel, Chief of Staff (no confirmation required)
* Kirk, US Trade Representative (still nominated)
And then it occurs to me: A SOLUTION TO ALL OF THE NATION’S PROBLEMS!™
Why don’t we nominate everyone for the Obama cabinet?
Think about it for a second:
1. Unemployment rate: 0%. Sweet!
2. If everyone is employed, they'll have money to buy stuff and pay their mortgage. Housing crisis solved!
3. The Housing crisis led to the banking crisis. All those toxic assets are healthy again. Financial crisis solved!
4. We all work for the government, so we all have health insurance! Health Care Reform? Unnecessary!
5. Here's the really good part: Everyone will have to pay his or her back taxes. This would lead to a huge windfall for the Treasury. Say hello to a balanced budget!! Goodbye massive deficit!
It's so crazy it just might work.
What?
You don't think it will work?
Well, I have one question for you: how is it any more crazy than the ideas Obama has floated so far? I know the guy smoked weed when he was younger. I didn't know he was a stoner. (I’d make a Jeff Spicoli reference but I fear no one would get it.)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Here's Something I Have Not Thought About in Some Time
Me, I'm wondering who came up with the idea that naming a soap after 3000 degree molten rock would encourage kids to want to wash their hands.
Then again, do they still make Lava? I bet some dumb ass geologist stuck his hands in molten lava thinking it was soap and now he has stumps instead of his hands. So of course he sued the company and now he's quite wealthy.
But he still has stumps for hands.
The Way Toys Used to Be
See, when I was a kid we didn't have a Wii. No Playstation. No 50" HD TV. No cell phones.
We got a potato.
I was never advanced enough to use a carrot.
I think I will use this to scare my kids.
Question of the Day
What's worse than the Obama Administration's proposed fixes for the economy?
A. Seeing Rosie O'Donnell naked.
B. No, that's about it.
A. Seeing Rosie O'Donnell naked.
B. No, that's about it.
Top Five Reasons I Could Not Attend Obama's Fiscal Responsibility Summit
5. I was at O.J. Simpson's Anger Management Summit.
4. I was at Bernie Madoff's Ethical Investing Seminar.
3. I was at Roger Clemens' How to Testify Before Congress Lecture.
2. I was at the Eliot Spitzer Monogamy Conference.
1. I was at Hugh Hefner's Virginity Symposium.
4. I was at Bernie Madoff's Ethical Investing Seminar.
3. I was at Roger Clemens' How to Testify Before Congress Lecture.
2. I was at the Eliot Spitzer Monogamy Conference.
1. I was at Hugh Hefner's Virginity Symposium.
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